Spam! I bet I get more than you do!

These days I get approximately two spam messages for every real hit on my site. Since I average between two and three hundred hits on a normal day, I get at least five or six hundred spam messages. Is this a record? Should I be proud of this? Or worried?

Among the many questions I ask the universe, and one of many to which I will never have an answer is: How did a slimy, over-salted canned meat come to be synonymous with pornographic electronic junk mail?

Even more puzzling is that people really eat Spam. You may take that any way you like.

Most of my spam comes from a Spanish list server (lista de emails … anything you get from this address is spam) and 80% of these are also porn. The rest of them are scams. Legitimate companies do not send thousands of illiterate, nonsensical messages to random blogs.

Then, there are those who ask for advice. They use some version of this message as a comment to a randomly selected post.

“These are in fact fantastic ideas in concerning blogging. You have touched some good things here. Any way keep up wrinting.

Huh? What? It gets better. For completely incoherent, this is one of my favorites. I receive several dozen of these every day:

“Fine way of explaining, and fastidious paragraph to take information concerning my presentation focus, which i am going to convey in academy. Watch Elementary Season 1 Episode 5 Online”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

A few of my best friends and followers always get mixed in with the spam, so I can’t just go and delete it. I have to read through it. Sometimes there are 10 to 15 pages of it at a time, sometimes more, but since there are usually some few real comments mixed in, I have to at least look through all the pages. Every once in a while, something looks like it might be the real deal … a true comment, but I can’t always tell.

If you’ve been trying to comment and aren’t showing up, probably you’re getting dumped into the spam and because I don’t recognize you, you’re getting deleted. If you are a real person, please say something that identifies you as a human and not a machine generated message. I apologize in advance if I have over-zealously deleted you.

I know that I am by no means alone in getting tons of this garbage. WordPress does a good job finding it and putting into the spam folder. I wish there was some way to tell them to just delete anything with the word “Viagra” in it. Or “porn” or “hot sex” of for that matter, “lista de email.” That would cut down significantly on the volume because I’m reasonably sure that no one with something to say includes any of those terms in their comments or uses “lista de email” as their ISP.

My question is this: what do these spammers hope to accomplish by sending me this stuff? The messages never have anything to do with the posts with which they are supposed to be associated. Many of them are repeats and clearly generated on a computer programmed by someone whose native language is not English. Most of gibberish. But then again so are most posts of Facebook, so maybe that’s not a good example.

There are the ones that warns me my blog doesn’t display properly on the sender’s computer in Internet Explorer (why would I care?). There’s are three or four versions assuring me I am brilliant, they love my post about (insert post title) and promise they will tell everyone how useful the information is on my web blog (they always call it a web blog).

The thing is, while there are many ways you could describe my site, no one could honestly say (not even me) that it’s full of useful information. My stuff may be interesting, thought-provoking, occasionally funny, off-beat and apocryphal, but useful? I don’t consider it useful and I write it.

There are those that request I exchange links with them and those that would love an invitation to write for my blog, those who suggest I come to their site to see huge penises, hot lesbian sex, hot gay sex, hot sexy sex, huge breasts, gigantic butts, and attractive ladies doing disgusting things with inanimate objects. If not, they would like to sell me some Viagra.

Does anyone actually believe this will generate business? Make money? If they believe this, why do they believe it? Does anyone ever respond to these “messages”? So many questions, so few answers.

If anyone has an answer, let me know. I’m baffled.

Meanwhile, feel free to visit the Spam website. You’ll be glad to know that Spam now comes in a wide variety of flavors, including a low sodium version that dodges the question of  all that fat but lowers the salt level. The site includes recipes, a Spam Museum (no joke), and an online shop where you can buy Spam gear, such as caps, tee shirts, and other strange and wonderful things.

So maybe I do include useful information. I guess it depends on how you feel about Spam.

11 comments

  1. Yep! You definitely have me beat and I am glad you are the winner on that one:>) Get Spam but not anywhere near what you are experiencing. All of those ‘furreigners’ must love you knowing you like critters and all! LOL:>)

  2. I’ve added the “Conditional Captcha” plug in, and it reduces the spam in my Akismet folder from hundreds per say to barely 1 or 2 per day. Indeed, the backlink from this blog was the only one I’ve seen in a few days, and it turned out not to be spam, just, about spam.

    1. Where does one find this mirale plug in? It’s just my first cuppa coffee and I’ve got 38 messages in the spam folder. I clear it every few hours because if I don’t it accumulates incredibly fast … Why ME? Thanks for the tip!!

  3. I get a TON of SPAM from lista de emails and then they go away for a little bit and come back telling me how much they love my site and how enlightening it is. Lately I’ve been getting dozens and dozens from something called northface wanting me to tell them how I built my site. So irritating.

    1. Ironically, I just pulled you out of the spam folder. Why wordpress doesn’t just block lista de emails I do NOT know. My favorite spam are those that tell me how terrific my site is and how much they have learned from it on whatever subject they’ve randomly chosen … usually a photo essay. Sometimes, for a moment, before I remember I’m looking at spam, I think “maybe this is real” and then I check the link and realize it’s called “Buy Viagra Cheap Online” and that’s a definite tipoff. Okay, there are some sites that maybe might be legit … and there are always a few comments from real people in the mix (for some reason, gmail and hotmail addresses seem to be picked by the filter as spam more often than others, though it’s spotty to say the least … I mean MY address is through gmail too) … but still, why can’t we define keywords and known spamming addresses for immediate “go away and don’t bother me anymore” deletion? No one understands why not. You can do that on almost any other server, even gmail (which is pretty good at sifting the chaff from the wheat). Oh well. Just bitching. Back to my coffee now and my regularly scheduled program.

  4. I get a lot, but not as much as you from the sounds of it. As you mentioned, it’s tricky as I too have to go through all of them as a few comments end up in there that are real. I wish we could block and they never come back, would be so much easier.

    1. I don’t understand why after you’ve defined the same site as spam who knows how many times, you can’t just block it? If I could get rid of Lista de emails … that alone would cut the volume by more than half, just from that single server.

      1. I know, they are by far the worst. Maybe its worth mentioning to the wordpress improvements forum team people thing. Whoever they are, I have seen something about reporting improvements to them.

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