NOTE: I have NO IDEA where these originated! These are jokes!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.