My body and I are engaged in battle. Body is winning this round, but I hope to prevail in the end.
Every condition, chronic disease, whatever that has ever bothered me is running at full throttle. Things that haven’t bothered me for decades are back. My rheumatoid arthritis is acting up. Every joint hurts. My irritable bowel is outraged and trying to kill me. It’s spring, the pollen is high and asthma is kicking my butt.
Of course all the heart surgery has wreaked havoc with issues I already had from the bilateral mastectomies a couple of years ago. Finally, there’s the pain from the recent surgeries. It’s much better than it was even a week ago, but it’ll be a few more weeks before I feel I’m over the hump.
I am good in the morning. Most of the time. From lunchtime onward, I slide downhill until evening when everything hurts. The later it gets, the more it hurts. I can’t figure out which pain is caused by what condition. Or maybe it’s the clammy weather. Or stress.
I want to feel good again. Is it too much to ask? Right now, it is … but I remind myself it’s not forever. It will to take a bit more time, but in a few weeks, I will be me again.
But late in the evening when everything hurts and I don’t have drugs to fix it … at times like this, I want to rant. I figure I’ve paid the dues; I’ve earned a rant.
Instead (usually), I go to bed. Becoming unconscious seems like the best idea of all.
In 2010, I discovered I had cancer in both breasts. Two tumors, unrelated to each other. Just twice lucky. They removed the tumors and the associated breasts, gave me very attractive fake replacements — much perkier than the old ones in an artificial implant sort of way. I actually have a little ID card for my breasts, like they have their own personae. Maybe they do. Thus, a little more than two years after the siege began, I’m almost me again. Almost but not quite.
All chronic illnesses make you paranoid. The thing that’s so insidious about cancer is its absence of symptoms. The possibility that it’s growing somewhere in your body and you won’t know it’s there until it’s too late to do anything about it is about as scary as disease gets. Nor is it a baseless fear. I had no idea I had cancer, much less in both breasts, until it was diagnosed twice during a two-week period. One diagnosis of cancer is hard to handle. A second diagnoses a week later is like getting whacked over the head with a bat. It leaves you stunned, scrambling to find someplace to stand where the earth isn’t falling out from under you.
I don’t think most of us are afraid of dying per se. We are afraid of the journey we will have taken to get there. We’re afraid of pain, suffering, the humiliation of dependence and gradual loss of control of our own bodies. After having one or more close encounters with the dark angel, no one is eager to feel the brush of those wings again.
We are called survivors, which means that we aren’t dead yet. The term is meaningless. Put into perspective, we are all survivors. Anyone could be felled by a heart attack or run over by an out-of-control beer truck tomorrow. The end of the road is identical for all living creatures; it’s only a matter of when it will be and what cause will be assigned. Everyone is in the same boat. If you’ve been very sick, you are more aware of your mortality than those who who’ve been blessed with uneventful health, but no one gets a free pass. The odds of death are 100% for everyone.
Recovering from serious illness is a bumpy road. Each of us has a particular “thing” we find especially bothersome. For me, it’s dealing with well-wishers who ask “How are you?” If they wanted an answer, it might not be so aggravating, but they don’t want to hear about my health or my feelings about my health — which are often as much an issue as anything else. They are simply being polite. So, I give them what they want. I smile brightly and say “Just fine thank you.”
I have no idea how I am. All I know — and all I can possibly know — is that for the time being, I am here. To the best of my knowledge, nothing is growing anywhere it’s not supposed to be. Two years after a double mastectomy, I cannot be considered cancer-free … and really, if you’ve had cancer, you are in remission and that’s as good as it gets. So the answer for those of us who have had cancer, heart attacks and other potentially lethal and chronic ailments is “So far, so good.”
That is not what folks want to hear. People want you to be positive and upbeat. You cannot suffer physical or mental discomfort. Why not? Because if you aren’t fine, maybe they aren’t either. They have a bizarre and annoying need for you to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed no matter how you actually feel.
As I enter this New Year, I’m glad to be alive. With a little bit of luck, I’ll continue to remain that way. God willing and assuming life stays more or less on an even keel, I’ll be here in the cyber world, writing my little stories, taking pretty pictures of waterfalls and sunrises and you’ll still come and visit me from time to time.
Welcome to survivorship. It’s imperfect, but it beats the hell out the alternative.