I got this post from my husband and who knows how many places it has already traveled. But it made me laugh and this is one of those days when a laugh seems exactly what I need. So here they are …
Those Fabulous Old Time Jewish Comedians!
Maybe you remember the old Jewish Catskill comics. Some of them went back to the really old days of Vaudeville, others were more recent and a fair number of them are alive and well and still working. Except that the center of the action is Las Vegas. Maybe, the Catskills will rise again. There are people trying to create a revival, so time will tell.
Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis (mostly at Brown’s Hotel), Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Eddie Cantor, Mel Brooks, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.
There was not one single swear word in the ” family” routines, but elsewhere on the road, these guys were (and are) as blue as any other comics. Also, when the punchline was in Yiddish, you knew it was too blue for English.
I always tried to get my mother to translate for me, but she said the lines were “earthy” in Yiddish, but really dirty in English. So mostly, I never did hear the punchlines.
Here are a few oldies, but goodies:
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water-bed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
A man called his mother in Florida , “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Question: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday – They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.