I live in a small town in the middle of a lovely valley. Someone asked me what there is to do around here, which got me to thinking about all the cool things there are do in our town.
I realized this was going to be a very short post.
Here’s the list of cool things to do in Uxbridge, Massachusetts. Note: Everything except number 2 are warm weather activities.
Walk the to the middle of town. Watch the water flow over the dam on the Mumford River.
Attend a pancake breakfast at the fire house.
If it’s not winter, go to yard sales. Find bargains. Buy some.
In summer, go to a drive in. Bring lawn chairs. Sit outside and watch a double bill.
That’s it. But the scenery is really lovely everywhere in all four seasons, so it’s a great place to take walks and photographs. We have a lot of churches. And you can go to orchards, pick your own apples and even cut down your own Christmas tree. Sometimes, you can watch the wild turkeys attack your car. You can’t do that in a big city!
Boston, Massachusetts: the evening of December 2012.
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There has been just enough rain to make the streets shiny, but it’s just a drizzle really. The city always strings lights on the Commons and all around the Statehouse right after Thanksgiving, so they’ve been up for a couple of weeks already.
Not a white Christmas this year, at least not yet. We’ve had a couple of little snows since then, they were dustings and melted off in a few hours.
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Tonight, it was cold, but not bitterly. This is the middle of Boston — old Boston, the Boston of Paul Revere and Sam Adams — in soft focus. No hard edges in the dark. And here’s a little music to go with the pictures … a song I loved long ago.
Boston at night … by the Statehouse, across from the Common.
The many film offerings over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend had moviegoers flocking to theaters. According to a Nov. 25 report from The Hollywood Reporter, the Wednesday through Sunday period brought in a record-breaking total of $290 million.
“Twilight” fans gobbled up their second helping of “Breaking Dawn – Part 2, while some went for their first, during the holiday break. According to Box Office Mojo, the final chapter in the “Twilight” franchise earned an estimated $64 million to keep its spot at number one during the Nov. 21-25 weekend, despite three newcomers opening in wide release. Its total now stands at $227 million.
View slide show: Top 10 films for the Nov. 21-25 weekend
“Skyfall,” the latest film in the James Bond franchise, held onto the number two spot for a second week in a row, bringing in $51.1 million. Its total now stands at $220 million, the most any Bond film has ever earned.
TV icon Larry Hagman, best known for playing the iconic J.R. Ewing on both the original Dallas on CBS and the current incarnation on TNT, passed away on Friday at Medical City Dallas hospital from cancer complications. He was 81.
Hagman — shortly after TNT’s update was announced in summer 2011 — revealed that he was being treated for “a very common and treatable form of cancer,” later specified as Stage II throat cancer. After enduring chemotherapy and radiation treatment, Hagman announced in mid-2012. “I beat that thing. I am in remission now. All good!”
Dallas is currently in production on its second season, scheduled to première on Jan. 28, 2013.
“Larry was back in his beloved Dallas, re-enacting the iconic role he loved most,” the Hagman family said in a statement. “Larry’s family and close friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. When he passed, he was surrounded by loved ones. It was a peaceful passing, just as he had wished for. The family requests privacy at this time.”
Hagman is survived by his wife of more than 58 years, Maj, who is currently suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and was relocated into a nursing home in 2011.
Turkeys: traditional holiday roast, are some bad-ass birds. Turkey attacks are apparently quite common: wild turkey populations are on the rise, with around 3 million of them in the US. According to experts, birds that “get accustomed to suburban life apparently start to see people as other turkeys” and naturally defend their turf.
Should you have the misfortune to happen upon a vicious turkey, here are some tips gleaned from the videos below: sticks are a good defense. Mailmen are not, as turkeys are known to “have something against the US Postal Service.” Hide in your car. Do not taunt them. Try to appear less like a rival turkey. If you’re dealing with a group of turkeys — called a rafter, a gang, or, less formally, a gobble — well, good luck.
Last year was all about the best deep-fried turkey disaster videos, but here now, the thirteen best turkey attacks videos around. Ordered by the level of terror — from a little scary to absolutely terrifying.
On a personal note: You can’t make this stuff up. Last summer, a turkey attacked me while I was in my car. They don’t call them turkeys for nothing. They’ll take on anyone or anything! Watch the skies, Keep watching the skies!!
Meanwhile, around the valley, the nurseries and grocery stores are displaying wreaths, baskets and miniature Christmas trees. Yes indeed, the merchants are gearing up for what they hope will be the annual spending orgy.
Typically, the stores in this area wait until just after Thanksgiving to start selling Christmas. But there’s a recession, in case you somehow missed it. Most folks around here are broke, so I guess the local shops believe we need extra time to get serious about spending money we don’t have.
These photographs were taken today at the local grocery store. It’s only the leading edge. There’s a lot more to come.
I bought a Williams-Sonomacheese grater for my mom for Christmas once because I had no idea what to get her and I was in a mall and there the grater was, just large enough to take up space under the tree and just cheap enough to let her know that I put NO thought or care into buying a gift for her. Anyway, I paid for this grater with a credit card. And when a place like Williams-Sonoma gets your credit card and thus your address, you are on the mailing list for life. Every holiday season, my mail slot gets bukkake’d with monstrous catalogs packed with shit I would never, ever buy, and the W-S catalog stands out among them.
While certain retailers like Hammacher Schlemmer are almost intentionally ludicrous (“Buy this personal hovercraft for $80,000!”), there’s no wink to be found in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. The people at W-S aren’t the least bit self-conscious about getting you to pay $35 for mailed gravy. So I thought I would go through this holiday season’s catalog, which has spent a solid week atop my shitter, and point out some of the more ridiculous items. Because there are people out there who buy this shit. The question is … who? And why? Let’s try to figure that out now.
Item #02-8592198 Harvest Pumpkin Collection
Williams-Sonoma says: “Ceramicist Barbara Eigen has been designing unique pieces, often inspired by nature, since 1997. Our Harvest Pumpkin Collection is a perfect example of her lifelike work. The tureen and accessories add organic whimsy to your Thanksgiving table.”
Price: $40 for a set of four individual tureens
Notes from Drew: This is actually one of the more reasonably priced items in the W-S catalog, as long as you don’t consider it a waste to spend $40 on four pumpkin bowls that you will use three times per decade. I used to buy terrible gifts like this for people all the time. HERE ARE YOUR PUMPKIN BOWLS! NOT BAD, EH? Because, honestly, what can you do with a pumpkin soup bowl besides put pumpkin soup in it? If you put tomato soup in it, God will murder you.
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Item #02-496059 Bourbon Cranberry Relish
Williams-Sonoma says: “Sauteed cranberries, bourbon, shallots and herb with a hint of orange. 16oz.”
Price: $40
Notes from Drew: That’s 40 bucks for a bowl of cranberry sauce that everyone will pass up because we all prefer the shit that costs two bucks and comes plopping out of the can in the shape of the can. The second ingredient is LEAD. For 40 bucks, you should get the bourbon on its own.
Item #02-4381232 Acorn Twine Holder
Williams-Sonoma says: “Polished alderwood with 76 yards of linen twine. Made in Italy.”
Price: $26
Notes from Drew: Oh, thank God! Thanksgiving was mere weeks away and I was like OH FUCK, WE’RE OUT OF TWINE. AND WE HAVE NO PLACE TO DISPENSE SAID TWINE. Sure, any asshole can go to the store and buy a roll of cooking string for half a penny and keep that twine in a drawer for the one time per year someone in the house has to tie up a raw turkey only to fail miserably and get salmonella deep inside his palms for years and years. But I want CLASSY twine, you know? I want my twine to say something about ME.
Item #02-1496058 Potato Scrubbing Gloves
Williams-Sonoma says: “Scrub potatoes clean while preserving skin that’s nutrient rich. Set of two.”
Price: $11.95
Notes from Drew: I desperately wanted it to say “Set of one” at the end. But anyway, who WOULDN’T like to have special gloves for whenever you have to handle potatoes? Potatoes are dirty and smelly, so it behooves you to wear a pair of gloves that will absorb all that dirt and grime and then get soaked through. Be sure to let them dry on your radiator! I also like that these gloves come with the word POTATO labeled across each one. Late at night, I often go digging through my basement screaming, “WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN POTATO GLOVES?” Because I usually end up grabbing the carrot gloves first, you know?
Item #02-2719136 Chef’n Panini Spatula
Williams-Sonoma says: “Wide platform with a slot simplifies slicing then lifting even the largest sandwiches.”
Price: $19.95
Notes from Drew: ZOMG THIS SANDWICH IS SO LARGE! I can’t possibly lift it using only my hands or a common spatula. If only someone out there would invent a unique tool that would allow me to lift my panini and then transfer it to a plate. I’m not just gonna pick it up myself, like a DOG. There’s hot gruyere in that sandwich! It could burn.
By the way, you should know that any kitchen utensil designed specifically for one kind of food or meal is essentially useless: a panini spatula, a fondue pot, a steak tartare fork. Unless you plan on eating raclette four days a week, you don’t need any of that shit.
Williams-Sonoma says: “Spiced, Citrus, or Vanilla.”
Price: $8.95
Notes from Drew: Why have an ordinary rimjob when you can add just a touch of Madagascar vanilla? That’s how classy folk do their rimming.
Item #02-9663154 Twelve Days of Christmas Crackers
Williams-Sonoma says: “Sets of 12.”
Price: $19.95 (small), $29.95 (large)
Notes from Drew: This is not a cracker you eat, but rather a small cardboard tube with two pull tabs on each end. When you pull the tabs, a delightful POP! rings out around the house, and thus much mirth is to be had in the Easterbrook household. These are the perfect fireworks for rich white people. Also, you get a free paper crown inside.
Williams-Sonoma says: “Seats six, expands with a leaf to seat eight.”
Price:$1,995
Notes from Drew: This is one of the harsh truths you learn when you get married: Basic shit like a table costs a fucking fortune. Two grand for a wooden table. And it’s not like the surface of it is a giant iPad screen either. It just sits there and does nothing. This isn’t even a big table, and it certainly isn’t the most expensive table of its kind. The chairs that go along with this table are $395 each. JEEEEEEESUS. If it were up to me, my family would eat dinner off a milk crate.
Item #02-741009 Callie’s Charleston Biscuits
Williams-Sonoma says: “Flaky, buttery, and made by hand by celebrated caterer Callie White.”
Price:$72 (set of 24)
Notes from Drew: That’s $72 dollars for biscuits. At Popeye’s, the biscuit comes free with your order. At Williams-Sonoma, it costs you the rough equivalent of your phone bill. How good could these biscuits possibly be? There’s a threshold past which biscuits cannot improve. Even the best goddamn biscuit in the world isn’t $72 better than a Popeye’s biscuit. Unless that biscuit can make you teleport.
And what kills me is that there are clearly people out there who have shitloads of money and NO cooking skills who order this shit. Who are these people? How are there so many of them that Williams-Sonoma can sustain its business model? Are we all just racking up massive biscuit debts that will soon break the economy? I imagine that 60 percent of Williams-Sonoma’s business come from a group of six Persian oil barons, who buy everything in every catalog five times over every year for no good reason at all. Seventy-two-dollar biscuits. WHAT THE FUCK.
Item #02-4229100 European Cheese Hamper
Notes from Drew: Where else am I supposed to put my dirty cheese?
Item #02-410423 Assumption Abbey Fruitcake
Williams-Sonoma says: “Baked by trappist monks at a monastery in the Missouri Ozarks. Order early. Supply is limited.”
Price:$39.95
Notes from Drew: Everything about that sales copy just blew my skull. There are trappist monks in the Ozarks? Do they brew artisanal meth? I don’t trust fruitcake to begin with. I sure as shit am not trusting fruitcake that comes from a redneck friar. They’ll swap out uppers for candied fruit. And yet, supply is limited. Apparently, the market for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton rely on the monks to deliver their holiday fruitcake every year. Ina Garten’s ADORABLE HUSBAND JEFFREY WHO MAKES A LOT OF MONEY loves the sight of a fine white-trash-monk fruitcake any time he comes home. TIE IT UP WITH THE TWINE!
With camera in hand, exploring European lands, cultures, food, and drink...mostly with a plan, but sometimes enjoying the adventure of just getting lost.
