L’appel du vide: The Biggest OOPS


Maybe it’s stretching a point … maybe not. On a physical level, I have never had any kind of urge to walk through the fire or off the cliff. But that’s on the physical plane. My suicidal urges have been less tactile, more psychological, social, personal.

About my second marriage, the one I don’t talk about. I married a man blatantly wrong for me. As inappropriate, abusive, unintelligent and uneducated as anyone could be. That’s what happens when you marry on the rebound. In a foreign country. When you don’t speak the language and you’re lonely. Like the edge of the cliff or the fire, I knew with certainty before the wedding I shouldn’t do it. Bad idea. Big mistake. Why, then, did I?

Hormones? Hubris? Maybe because it was so wrong and such a terrible idea? Did I need to test the depth of the water or the heat of the fire? How long the fall down the mountain? Whatever it was, it cost me.

My mother met him shortly after the deed was done. She looked at me, sadly. “You’ve really done it now.” Cryptic though her words were, I knew what she meant. Knowing didn’t help. I had indeed done it. L’appel du vide describes it as well as anything. It took eleven long years to undo what had been so quickly accomplished. It was a learning experience. Not in a good way. Catastrophic stupidity on my part.


There are many ways to achieve self-annihilation. A long walk off a short pier is less painful and more efficient. I recommend to anyone inclined to doing something highly self-destructive — take the short route, not the long and winding road.

Categories: Fiction, Life, Marriage, Personal, Reality, Romance

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

14 replies

  1. I once looked at the two paths before me … and proceeded to step off the cliff. The fall was long, and the landing was hard.


    • But, you got up, limping, dazed, in pain and climbed back up the cliff. Maybe cursing and muttering and broken. But you did it. Let’s just not do it again. I don’t know ANYONE who has really lived who hasn’t stepped off a figurative or literal cliff. We all do really stupid things. Hopefully we only do each stupid thing once. Sadly, there are an infinite number of stupid things yet to do … but at least at my age, the opportunity to do them has become self-limited 🙂


  2. Yes, I’ve a truck load of oops if anyone wants to a few.
    I lied to myself for much longer than 11 years. I’ve been told it was a character building, life lesson learned expience. I disagree. I have enough character and I still work daily on rebuilding my spirit.
    The stupid part stills lingers also.
    I never wanted to walk off that cliff but I wanted to climb it.


    • Maybe that’s why we did it. But let us hope we have learned to enjoy mountain climbing vicariously. I don’t think I would survive another big OOPS!

      On Wed, Aug 14, 2013 at 10:35 PM, SERENDIPITY


  3. I have a bagful of personal “oops” if anyone needs a spare:>)


  4. You are not alone in the personal “OOPS” life decisions.


  5. A nice way, the way is also the destination. have a nice evening…Sincerely Andrea



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