I watch too many shows about murders and forensics. NCIS, Law & Order, Criminal Minds, CSI, Body of Evidence and so many more. I’ve seen an awful lot of people convicted on blood evidence. I know how incriminating traces of a victim’s blood can make someone look.
This evening, while making dinner, I nicked myself with a paring knife. This isn’t an unusual event. I am not nearly careful enough in the kitchen. I have a bad habit of slicing off the tips of fingers, stabbing myself, then bleeding all over the place. I used to joke that the blood of the cook was mixed in the food, but it wasn’t entirely untrue. My son and my husband both have been known to pull knives out of my hands and chop the veggies themselves because watching me using a knife made them unbearably nervous.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t bleed so much, but I do. This is ironic indeed because when I go for tests at the hospital, they can never find a vein or get any blood out of me. I have suggested I just bring a paring knives, slice open a finger and they can have more blood than they’ll know what to do with, but for some reason, they don’t find this suggestion nearly as funny as I do.
Anyway, I nicked myself cutting up the chicken sausages. It wasn’t a bad cut as these things go and if I hadn’t been in the middle of preparing dinner while simultaneously fighting with the cable company on the telephone, I might have put a band-aid onto my finger faster. Then there wouldn’t have been drops of my blood all over the kitchen. It wasn’t a gusher. Merely a dribbler. Drip. Drip. Drip. Damn, not on my sweater. Blood is so hard to get out of clothing.
After I finally got the food going. I put the knife down, ended the phone call, still snarling at Charter Cable. I really hate those bastards. I made my way to the cupboard, managed to get the blood flow stopped. That was the moment when I realized my blood is all over the kitchen.
It’s from this little nick and all the other cuts, nicks and stabs when I was slicing, dicing, mincing or paring. CSI would have a field day in our kitchen.
If anything ever happens to me and my poor guiltless husband is accused of a crime, they’ll find my blood everywhere. The poor dear will look guilty as hell and all he’s ever done is try to protect me from myself. This is probably the right time point out many of my self stabbings take place while fighting an endless battles with shrink-wrap and other torturous types of packaging.
Have you ever tried to get a couple of blister-packed pills out of their containers in the middle of the night? It said “press here” and you do, but all it does is stretch, the urgently needed medication still out of reach.
I have found myself using hemostats (I use them for stringing dolls; I am not a doctor for living people, only plastic ones) to pull cotton out of pill bottles, stabbing blister packs with tweezers (the only pointy things in my bathroom), using a steak knife to cut the plastic seals on a spray bottle, attacking packing tape with a hunting knife. I have two knives — a 4″ folding knife with a turquoise handle and a 5″ sheath knife with a deer antler handle. Nobody has taken them away from me yet, but that’s possibly because I hide them.
I cut myself regularly, but I also damage the contents of packages in my frenzied attempt to actually extract whatever is in there with any tools I have at hand. My favorite tool is a box cutter which I have used for things like prying the back off my Blackberry to get at the battery. It isn’t supposed to require special tools, but my Blackberry Torch was hermetically sealed against owner interference. Unfortunately, taking the back off and removing the battery is the only way to reboot the phone. I gave up and got an iPhone, not because I like the iPhone better. I don’t. I just couldn’t battle my way into the battery compartment one more time.
I do not set out to do myself injury, but in the contest of me against packaging, packaging is clearly winning.
Thus you can find traces of my blood everywhere I’ve ever opened a package and everywhere in my kitchen. You’ll find blood evidence on my computer keys, my mouse, my knives, tweezers and especially my beloved box cutter. I hide my box cutter, always afraid someone will take it from me in a pointless (sorry about the pun) attempt to save me from myself.
If CSI comes here, just show them this post. Maybe they won’t send anyone up for life on my behalf.
- Aren’t knives worse than box cutters? (piedtype.com)
- 8-piece Stainless Steel Knife Set with Block (hsn.com)
- Chef’s Knife Store: Giving Sharp a New Meaning (prfire.co.uk)
- : It only took box cutters to bring down the 9-11 planes! Now we’re not only allowing knives but b… (sodahead.com)
- Run for your life! (teepee12.wordpress.com)
- The TSA Is Going To Allow Small Pocket Knives On Planes! (perezhilton.com)
- Creating A Kitchen: Knives (gourmetguck.wordpress.com)
Share this:
Categories: #Food, #Recipes, Crime and Cops, Humor, Life, Show Business, Technology, Television
SERENDIPITY: SEEKING INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH 
Oops forgot about pills. I have also cut myself that kitchen knives scare me. I use them but carefully.
I put pill bottles into a thick sealed zip lock, go out to my vise in the garage and smash, crack the bottle. Easy.
I took an empty smashed bottle back in for refill once when pharmacy couldn’t fill it over the phone. Counter person looked at me like I was a nut case but I stood proud, I had all the pill bottle pieces.
LikeLike
The battle of human against packaging is eternal. Packaging 23, humans 9.
On Sat, Aug 17, 2013 at 11:09 PM, SERENDIPITY
LikeLike
Yes, about the peroxide. Nurses have been using it for years . Works best on white cloths. I pour it on while still wearing the cloths. If its white no rinsing needed.
LikeLike
Thank you!!
On Sat, Aug 17, 2013 at 11:04 PM, SERENDIPITY
LikeLike
I must admit I chuckled reading your post about cuts Marilyn. It’s the descriptive way your writing puts the reader at the scene of the crime, with just enough detail to make you squeamish.
I hate a dull kitchen knife. It’s an accepted fact that you’re more likely to hurt yourself as a result of a dull knife than one that is properly sharpened and maintained. Through the years I have purchased a couple of really good knives made by Shun Kai, a Japanese Katana sword maker that likes to bevel their blades at an astonishingly narrow angle, making them extremely sharp. I’ve sliced off pieces of my thumb without even feeling it. I would hate to think of using an Echo brand paring knife bought off a pegboard at your local Target store. You would have to saw through the skin to draw blood, a gruesome thought. I like my cuts neat and clean, with no effort involved whatsoever. 🙂
LikeLike
When I replaced my old serrated Henckl knives with better ones, I started getting much better cleaner — and far deeper — cuts. I don’t cut myself because the knife is dull. I cut myself because my brain is dull!
LikeLike
I can so relate and that is why I have a solution to one issue: hydrogen peroxide. It’s cheap, buy a case. Pour it on the bloodied clothing item, then rinse w/cold water. Sometimes I have to leave it soak for awhile, but it works! My niece showed me this just a couple years ago. It never fails, but asap is important.
Fun post and we will all testify on Gary’s behalf: he’s innocent!!!!
LikeLike
I have a ton of hydrogen peroxide … I’ll try it. I’ve got plenty of blood stains to test it on! Thanks!
On Sat, Aug 17, 2013 at 12:31 AM, SERENDIPITY
LikeLike
Fresh works best, but don’t do something rash to test that theory:>}
LikeLike
I promise not to go and intentionally stab myself 🙂
On Sat, Aug 17, 2013 at 12:43 AM, SERENDIPITY
LikeLike