Thank you, thank you. I accept your nomination and am pleased to be the first — permanent because I’m never giving up this job — Queen of the Internet.
My first order of business is to make high-speed Internet access free and universal. No matter who you are, and where you live … you have Internet access. High speed quality access.
We will also provide you with the computer of your choice, one per family. Tablet, laptop or desktop, whatever operating system suits your personal style. My goal is to make your life easier and more fun. Maybe even more productive.
I wish I could also give you a decent medical plan and a job, but at least if you’re dying of untreated disease and malnutrition because you can’t buy groceries, you’ll be able to complain about it on the Internet. It’s the least I can do.
Thank you for making me Queen. I will try to be the most benevolent monarch possible. Go in peace!