BLAST FROM THE PAST -The Best Medicine

Life in shreds? Out of work? Evicted? Hiding from the repo guys? Other half dumped you? Bank threatening to foreclose? Don’t take it personally. It’s just  a joke. No, really. Disaster is life’s cute and funny way of pointing out how little control you have over your fate. Don’t cry. No one likes a cry-baby. Smile! That’s it! Go on, now, no suffering allowed. This personal disaster is your cue to laugh. No one wants to hear your sad story … unless you turn it into a funny story! Then everyone wants to listen.

The first time my world went to pieces, I walked away from a dead marriage, gave everything to my ex and moved to another country. The joke was on me. I promptly married a guy so much worse I get dizzy thinking about it 30 years later. When that fell apart (though it lasted longer than it ought because I wouldn’t admit what a horrible mistake I’d made), I staggered — bloody, dazed and penniless — back to the USA. When I stopped feeling as if I’d gone through a wood chipper, I married Garry which I should done in the first place, except he hadn’t asked. Minor detail.

All that seemingly pointless pain and suffering was not for nothing. Stories of hideous mistakes and horrendous outcomes are the stuff of terrific after-dinner conversation. A few drinks can transform them into hilarity. Misery fuels humor. It’s a fact. Misery, mistakes, and disasters are high comedy. Funny movies are not about people having fun. They’re about people in trouble, with everything going wrong, lives in ruins. The difference between a comedy and a tragedy is the ending. Tragedies usually end with a pile of corpses; comedies (usually) don’t. Otherwise, it’s just a matter of timing and style.

Funny stories weren’t funny when they happened. Now, well, yeah, they’re funny. After I was told I had cancer in not one, but both breasts (they were having a two-for-one special at the Dana-Farber), I had them removed and replaced by silicon implants, but stopped short of adding fake nipples. Previous surgeries having left me with no naval, I now present myself as a space alien. You don’t believe me? It’s true.

And about those fake tits: I own tee shirts that say “Yes, they are FAKE. My real ones tried to kill me.” I’m wearing one right now. It’s a killer at parties and is the high point of my cancer experience.

Fake breasts

When life goes to Hell in the proverbial handbasket, a lot of folks who were sort of friends eye you with suspicion (is bad luck contagious?), but also with a subtle hint, a light whiff, of profound satisfaction. They wouldn’t be rude enough to say so, but they are overjoyed that it happened to you, not them. Sorry about your life, really. (Furtive, slightly smug grin.)

If you are a writer, out of the wreckage will come a book or at the very least, a Freshly Pressed badge from WordPress. Yay! See? It wasn’t for nothing!

Our personal traumas are collateral damage in a Darwinian battle of the fittest to survive. No one gets through unscathed. So mindful of whatever tragedy lurks just over your personal horizon, why not prepare some clever repartee? You can give it a test drive at the next get together with your more successful pals. It will give you something to look forward to. And, as a bonus, you will really appreciate the irony when your friends’ lives go to pieces later on. You’ll be able to give them great advice on how to survive their personal Apocalypse! Cool!

So no matter how horrible things are right now, don’t worry. You will stop bleeding and screaming. Eventually. Black depression will ebb. You won’t always feel you can’t breathe. That crushing weight on your chest will be replaced by a permanent sense of panic and mild hysteria you will call “normal.”

Start laughing right this minute.  No tears allowed. Tragedy is hilarious. Heaven may be droll, but Hell?  Everyone is yukking it up down there. Watch out for the flames (OUCH).



Categories: Entertainment, Humor, Life, Marriage, Personal

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

14 replies

  1. SO TRUE ! I am getting better at it……A fabulous header as ever!

    Like

  2. This is ABSOLUTELY brilliant, Marilyn: hilarious, scathing, sarcastic and, at a very deep level, emotional too. You have made so many excellent pointa – I think this should be required reading! What I like best is the subtle ambivalence of your message, the little hints, the tongue-in-cheekness! Ali xx

    Like

  3. Really, okay I’m trying to laugh. Not sure I can laugh out loud, working on it.
    I enjoyed this post of yours. Thanks.

    Like

  4. Far out!! I’ll check that out. Thank you!!

    Like

  5. Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn you are good for the soul. I had a rant session tonight myself but after reading all this it’s just so pointless now. I absolutely DID laugh through what you wrote here. Darn, it was really good and made me laugh. You are right. Now I just need to remember that and change my outlook. I’m a Scorpio, an unfortunate mistake of birth and one I often wish I could change. Scorpios don’t handle life easily. We hate change and much prefer the status quo. Life really doesn’t lend that to us Scorpios. Thanks for reminding me life really is a joke on all of us not just me.

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    • 🙂

      Check out (Google) Summit Elder Care. You are “elder” at 55, just so you know and I think both you and Mark will qualify. It would give you both complete health care coverage for free. There are some trade-offs (you have to use their doctors) but it might be worth it. It might save your lives. They found ME today.

      Like

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