Should I buy it? Do I need it?
I sit here a mass of nerves, stomach jumping, head spinning. What’s the problem?
My Kindle isn’t working like it should anymore. It has served me well for more than two years. Now, things that didn’t work perfectly at the start work even less well. It’s beginning to die. So what’s the problem? Get a new one, right?
Poverty. I can buy it cheaper now — on credit — than will be possible for months (years?) to come. I depend on my Kindle. I don’t buy paper books. No room. I have to make a decision. Today.
My hands are shaky. I should use what I’ve got until it dies then buy something. But that won’t work well. I’ll wind up paying full price. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
You wouldn’t think I’d get into such a stomach-churning lather over spending $200 — especially when it’s something I use constantly, on which I depend. You wouldn’t think so. You’d think, at my age, this decision would be simple, obvious. But never having enough money means nothing is obvious or simple.
My moment in time. Sitting on the edge of a razor, ready to slide downward. I feel myself about to be cut in two. I see us losing the house, living in our car, no place to go. The moment is pure panic worry, anxiety, insecurity. Caught doubting myself, my motives, my reasons. Gut-wrenching fear, because the ever-hungry demons of poverty shadow me, make me second-guess each purchase, no matter how tiny.
Should I have bought the cheaper spaghetti? The generic rice? Not bought the fish that wasn’t on sale? Skipped the better dog food? Never mind a Kindle. I don’t deserve it. The other one still works, sort of. What’s wrong with me?
There’s no fun in this. No fun, no reward. I’ll be sorry no matter what I do.
I hate being poor. Right now, I hate being me.
- Weekly Writing Challenge: Snapshots (dailypost.wordpress.com)
- The price we pay for poverty wages is too high | Gavin Kelly (theguardian.com)
- Amazon Puts the Kindle Fire HD, Kindle Fire HDX on Sale for Cyber Monday (the-digital-reader.com)
- The Gifted:Working Poor And The Internet (nakanno1.wordpress.com)
- A Response to “Why I Make Terrible Decisions, or, Poverty Thoughts.” (rawdiscourse.wordpress.com)
- Born into poverty (crazynormaltheclassroomexpose.com)