A LITTLE CYBER TANTRUM

It appears I won’t be getting The Phone Call. The one in which they tell me this whole thing with my heart is just a terrible mistake. That I’m fine, don’t need surgery. So I need a new fantasy, a new version of denial to keep me calm. Sane.

This has been a week of Murphy’s Law. Got the car inspected and on the way to get it done, the windshield cracked. Not so badly the car is unusable, but there’s no time to get it fixed. It also needs tires and that has to be taken care of immediately.  Yesterday, my computer — the desktop which is Data Central — began displaying symptoms of malware and/or virus infestation, including (my favorite), The Blue Screen of Death. So between arranging to get the tires replaced (a safety issue), have the computer fixed — the windshield will have to wait — and Garry’s head cold with which I am also coming down, might you think it means a delayed surgery?

NO. The show must go on! Unless I get a heavy cough and or a fever. It seem coughing after heart surgery can be painful. So the stuffy, drippy nose, laryngitis, headache and dicey stomach are just minor details. Like a good trooper, I shall keep marching forward. What’s next? At least the snow has — so far — missed us.

I’m not a happy camper. I’m hanging onto sanity by believing, against all logic, that this surgery isn’t going to be all that bad. My other doctor looking at me as if he was seeing me for the last time, all teary-eyed, didn’t help. But I — nonetheless — persevere.

My moon.

My moon.

I really don’t know how long I’ll be out of action. I’ll be in the hospital about a week, but they’ll kick me out as soon as they are reasonably sure I can manage on my own. I have a house with 12 steps and need to be able to climb them.

Hospitals toss you out as fast as possible . Despite a popular rumor it’s because insurance companies won’t pay for longer stays, that’s not the reason. They throw you out because of germs. Infection. It’s so prevalent in virtually every hospital everywhere, they try to get you out before you catch something worse than what you came in with. Thus they really do send you home the moment they think you are minimally functional. Which is usually rather sooner than seems reasonable, but the infection issue is a big deal. and it has gotten worse over the years. Me, I’d always rather be home, no matter how horrible I feel so it works for me.

This could be a long road to recovery. I’m not patient with my body. I get angry with it for failing me. Again. It seems to me I’ve been sick, recovering, dying, in the hospital or just out of the hospital constantly for the past 12 years. Body parts disappear, new scars join myriad older ones. I no longer remember which surgery goes with what scar. There are so many.

This particular disaster blindsided me. I don’t understand. No one has been able to offer me an explanation that makes sense. This kind of heart problem typically develops over time. It doesn’t appear out of the blue. But apparently that’s exactly what happened. My EKG from a couple of years ago is fine. Normal. No problems. Now, I’m going in for major surgery to repair severe cardiomyopathy and a dysfunctional mitral valve. I guess it doesn’t have to make sense.

I have long since given up railing against fate. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make problems go away. Despite that, I feel I’m entitled to a good old-fashioned rant. I want to rail against the unfairness of it. I’m angry and have no one, nothing to be angry at.

Lacking an àpropos target, I’m doing what I do. Writing. Throwing my anger into cyberspace to be absorbed by the vastness of the electronic universe. The echoes of my unanswered fury vibrate in the ether for all eternity.

And this will have to be enough.



Categories: #Health, Personal, UPDATE!

Tags: , , , ,

42 replies

  1. It is SO good to see someone having a fabulous tantrum without a hint of guilt (waste of time) or self-righteousness (always a bit of a turn-off).I can vouch for the fact that internalising the rants scars the soul forever!
    The freight-train aspect – I’ve heard tell this can be the result of a virus. Don’t know if it’s true, and it doesn’t help in the long run, but answers to conundrums are always satisfying.

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    • The doctors claim to have no idea of the cause, but I’ll bet that’s the official line. They probably have a good theory, if not actual evidence. And a virus indeed seems a likely culprit. Or a bacteria. Something happened. There had to be a precipitating event, just not one that can be pinned down.

      Not having anyone to blame is a bit of a pain. I really want to blame someone, preferably sue that someone for a lot of money and WIN. That being impossible, I have to settle for an occasional rant 🙂

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  2. i heard somebody say that God doesn’t dish us out more than we can handle.
    you must be a hell of person.

    Wishing the best for you.

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    • I feel obliged to point out that a fair number of people collapse under the weight of crises and calamities, physical, financial and social. Apparently God does indeed overload some people. Simple miscalculations? Or maybe he just didn’t like those folks.

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  3. I am disheartened to learn that after having no heart problems and clear EKGs, you were SUDDENLY diagnosed with all of this? Damn! There is no justice in this world! No one needs ‘surprises’ like this! You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

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    • It’s also a bit weird. This kind of thing supposed (if it isn’t present from birth) develops over time. This came on like a freight train, from 0 evidence of a problem to life-threatening in a year. That’s impossible to explain. It’s not supposed to happen that way.

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  4. You will get through all of this.

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  5. You should offer a ranting class. You do it well. I have good news. Ranting is close enough to whining that I, as Executive Director of AAOW grant your full membership. Oh, and in case you don’t know, AAOW pronounced A OW! stands for the American Association of Whiners.

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  6. Sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. Sending you peace and strength.

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  7. A damn good rant, Marilyn, definitely worth two in the bush – and you have every right to yell and scream and rail and tear out your hair and so forth. I love the woad idea above. Thoroughly recommend this as a course of action: paint yourself with spirally and menacing designs, a la Boadicea/Boudicca, stiffen your hair with something vile, adorn your chariot (aka the car) with daggers and set off for a bit of therapeutic pillaging. Meanwhile, I do hope (in all seriousness, now) that the wheeze eases soonest and that it will all go ahead as planned. Sending positive vibes, and feisty thoughts, your way. Ali xxx

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    • I could conduct a raid on Walmart. I bet my granddaughter and her pals would be happy to join in and they’re already painted with weird symbols and piercings. At worse, we could scare the pants off the elderly greeters. At best, they could join our merry band and pillage away! It would make the news. We’d be famous!

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  8. something different! nice nice nice…………

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  9. Keep on hanging on lady…you are a very strong woman and when it comes down to pushing on…we cowgirls will persevere:) No matter what we will ride on and get the darn job done! I felt like you do when I went through breast cancer 8 years ago and the massive surgery etc. but and I say but…I knew but I knew that it was only another bump in the road of life and I would live on and be ok…you will be ok my friend…you will be ok:) I am praying. We just got home from WB’s birthday dinner celebration…big night out for us country people…and I wanted to check to see how you were doing as I know the surgery is this week….assuming you go do pre-op stuff tomorrow….I have a business class in the morning online and then go for a doctor check up in the afternoon…I wanted to be sure to let you know that I am praying and sending you good positive thoughts…and my heart is with you and Gary…in the mean time, now get out there and ride hard…gather any stray you see…kick some behind! I got your back covered:)

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    • Thank you! I have to go get a chest x-ray — make sure I don’t already have pneumonia . Get a blood test because there’s a strong possibility that Garry already has and I am coming down with … the flu. So why did we get those shots? Fat lotta good they’ve done!

      I went through a double mastectomy (cancer X 2) a mere 2-1/2 years ago so I consider this not playing by the rules. Isn’t there some kind of law that you are only allowed two life-threatening surgeries per decade? I’ve racked up 5 over the past 12 years. I need to blame someone. I will persevere, but I’m tired.

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  10. Why is it that everything always seems to go wrong at once? I hope things all into place for you soon.

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    • Well, I’m not sure whether or not this is good news because I’m now so sick I can’t possibly have anesthesia until I can breathe. I’m going to have to call the hospital first thing and explain it’s not happening because Garry won’t take me until I’m not wheezing. He’s right.

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    • Murphy’s Law in action. This is a real Murphey’s writing the script kind of scenario.

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  11. I know what you mean about wanting to be angry at something for having health problems so rant away!

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  12. Just remember, you have a big anniversary to attend. No ducking it, got it! Sending all my good thoughts and prayers your way. Hugs and healing. Xxxxxx

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  13. I appreciate a good rant; it ramps us up for what we need to conquer. I have Celtic heritage, and facing challenges, I yell paint me blue, and bring it on! I pray strength and speedy recovery for you.

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  14. It’s got to get better! You’re going to be great…because your writing rant supporters say so ! 🙂

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  15. You’ll be back in action before you know it. No question about it!

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  16. Oh my. Hope all goes well, and I hope a little better luck comes your way soon….

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  17. Thinking of you! xo! 🙂

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  18. Thinking of you as you face this latest round of challenges. You are a strong soul. Hang in there.
    xo. BB

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