I’ve turned some kind of corner, physically. Pain level dropped a lot and suddenly. As the evening wears on, I wear out, as if all the pains of the day collect and concentrate in my chest and shoulders. I do the best I can. It’s better. Definitely.


I wanted to go out today. Take a camera, maybe the little point and shoot because it’s so easy, but the rain came. I should have known. The weather yesterday was weird … very warm with a powerful wind, yet sunny. During the night, the wind died away and the rain came and this morning, it’s all drip, drip, dripping … the slow saturating rain of April.

Just the kind of watering the flowers need. They suck it up and grow tall and strong. There will be a burst of color now. Not today, not while the water is falling from the sky …. but tomorrow, maybe or the day after. Whenever the sun next makes an appearance.

I dreamt last night the cancer is back and quietly eating me. Three nights in a row, I’ve dreamed the same dream and it frightens me. It could be true. I don’t know. I had a chest x-ray and it was clear … and just the other day … so how bad can it be, right?

It’s so gray out there. So damp. The dogs hate this weather. Snow they will play in and any other weather, no matter how cold … but not this steady rain. There will be no photo expedition today. I shall wait.

Life’s on hold. Everything is waiting for me to be ready for it, ready to live again. I’m sure when the sunshine returns it will cast off so much of the haunting sadness I feel. I believe, I do believe.

30 thoughts on “RAIN AND A CORNER TURNED

  1. I always felt dreams are the subconscious taking a dump to put it crudely, we can offload the stress we carry beneath the surface of our day to day lives in dreams so that it doesn’t fester and infect our waking world. I’m glad the pain has gotten easier to manage and it’s likely with the feelings of relief coming from the lessening pain your subconscious fears a reemergence hence your dreams. Of course it’s all open to opinion but it’s what I’ve always believed and it’s helped with some of the nightmares I’ve had over time. Thoughts are with you.


  2. Well at least you did not wake up to snow and cold, but since we did there’s no telling where it is going now. The sun will be shining bright before you know it, however.


  3. we have had lots of rain here too –

    and as I have said before, I like the way you put things – whether simple or deep or about this or that – like this:

    ” it’s all drip, drip, dripping … ”

    well said!


  4. Rain.. One man’s nuisance is another man’s luxury. The Pacific Northwest is famous for its long rainy season yet just a few hundred miles South of Oregon is California where they are experiencing a long lasting horrible drought. The wildfire season there is to be dreaded. There’s a serious shortage of drinking water much less a supply to dump on brush fires. It’s all a matter of perspective!


    • I like rain. But the dogs hate it — they don’t mind snow, but rain is another thing. And it makes our bones ache. We need it, really. It’s been an unusually dry spring and we’re overdue for some rain. We all have wells here, no city water resources, so if the aquifer is in trouble, we are all in trouble. The rain is good, if only I could convince the dogs of that!


  5. I’m thrilled something started to click. It is fun when we can see a real difference. Your day in the sun is yet to come. I think you dreams are just how you are feeling, meaning your body feels beat up and worn out. I wouldn’t put a lot of stuff into them right now.


    • I think I was bottoming out on physical misery. I badly needed to feel better, getting to a point where (I’m sure you understand) you wonder why you bothered if all you’ll ever be able to do is sit in a recliner with a heating pad. Then, suddenly, I could feel something different, as if a switch had be thrown and I was on a different level. The dreams? Maybe just nightmares. I sure hope so. I don’t have a lot of fight left in me. I need some time out of the war zone!


      • I so understand that feeling. No more recliners…at least not for 24×7. I was there a year and a half ago. It was Chris’s birthday, I laid in bed just praying I wouldn’t die during the night. I couldn’t think of anything worse I could do to her. That would have been it. I knew I was getting real close to being dead again and just didn’t have the fight any longer. That week I found my qigong master and I have not looked back since. She has done wonders for me. I’ve not had the sense I was dying since then. I’ve had that feeling two other times and nearly died each time. That is why this spring is so very precious. I’m finally getting healthier.


        • I remember the feeling of dying. It wasn’t dramatic or exciting. I was disappearing. I felt transparent, as if light and wind would pass right through me. Then later I had a Close Encounter of the Unearthly Kind and after that, I was better. That was the third nearly dead experience. Each one was different but the same. I hope this is the last one because I figure I must have some good years due me!


  6. I haven’t been around for a while but am so happy to see that you are blogging again!! I’m sending you a spiritual dream catcher, place it above your mind’s eye to keep those bad dreams at bay! Rest, relax and recover gentle spirit! 😀


      • Can you take any medication to help you sleep? But, I guess if you are dreaming, you ARE sleeping. I hope they go away soon, or, maybe it is time to see a therapist. I know that I will need one once all the surgeries are finished.

        Heck, I worry about cancer with every new ache and pain. Just yesterday, the thumb on my left hand “locked” up in severe pain. It’s tough to function without thumbs! But, at the same time, it seems that my right thumb isn’t suffering what I thought had been arthritic pain. So, now I think I have some kind of brain tumor. It never ends.


        • I’ve always gotten nightmares. Very vivid ones and sometimes ones that come back over and over again. These are particularly disturbing because, like you, I have had cancer (twice) and live with the suppressed fear of it coming back again. I take medication to sleep. But it doesn’t work very well or last nearly long enough.

          Everyone who has had cancer — and a lot of people who haven’t — live in its dread. And you are right. It never ends.


  7. I think that dream needs a Gibbs head slap. Sorry about today’s weather. I also was looking forward to getting you out and sharing a nice day and a photo shoot. Let’s take Scarlett’s optimism about tomorrow.


  8. The weather can definitely have a very negative (or positive) impact on mood. Sounds like you need a little sunshine! I do hope you start getting some blooms. My hyacinth and daffodils and tulips started sprouting about a week ago. Then we had a half inch of snow a couple days ago. It didn’t seem to faze them, though. Spring is resilient!


  9. Moving and beautifully written, Marilyn. I am so glad to hear about your turning a corner on the pain front: hooray. I wonder if the cancer you dream of is the surgical invasion of your body and soul, five times in two weeks, and the resultant shock waves sent through your system. Gentle healing to you as the warmth returns and the little birds sing and the sun comes and perches on our winter-chilled shoulders. xxx


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