WHAT WOULD STEVE McQUEEN DO?

It must be payback. Maybe karma or hubris.

For more than 30 years, I drove a succession of fully loaded convertibles with Steve McQueen in my brain. Once, I was racing to a story in the dead of night when a State Trooper pulled me over. He asked the traditional question. He smiled when I told him I was heading to a fire. After being cautioned to drive responsibly, I sped on to the scene. Steve McQueen was with me.

75-MainStreetCR

Nothing fazed me. Not Boston crazies or New York cabbies. Oh, hubris!

My convertible days are behind me. Thanks to retirement, an income adjusted to social security, “wonderful” pensions and too many tickets from my Steve McQueen days, I drive like a normal guy, more or less. You’d think I’d paid my dues, atoned for my sins.

Not hardly, Pilgrim.

I’ll admit I still drive too fast, even if I’m doing the speed limit. That’s because I wasn’t born in the Valley and I don’t have Valley in my blood, so to speak. You see, in the Valley, driving is a leisurely business. Very leisurely. Twenty miles an hour is fast for a lot of our local people and not only in school areas. We are talking normal stretches of road with no special considerations or construction.

I’m convinced there’s a legion of slow drivers waiting for me to pull out onto the street. I’ve been targeted. Wherever I go, they are waiting. It’s particularly frustrating when I’m heading to an appointment. These days, it’s usually a doctor appointment for my wife or me. We usually allow extra time for possible traffic jams, construction, weather delays and accidents.

The X-Factor is the slow driver. (Drum-roll.)

They usually appear just as we are pushing up to the speed limit and think we’ll be able to make good time. We’ll get to our destination and have time to relax. I’m beginning to think about playing some music for the drive.

That’s when they show up. In the blink of an eye, they appear. The dreaded slow drivers. A whole conga line of slow drivers. No way to maneuver around them because our local roads are two lanes. One in each direction and narrow to boot. I can feel the anger and frustration beginning to boil up inside me.

If I’m driving alone, I allow the profanities full volume. If my wife is with me, I mumble, tighten my wrists and think evil, vile things. The slow drivers sense this and slow down even more. It is torture. What would Steve McQueen do?

Photo credit: RolexMagazine.com

Photo credit: RolexMagazine.com

Sanity and commonsense kick in only because I know we can’t afford accidents with me as the culprit. That makes it more infuriating. They slow down even more, sensing my plight. Could it be worse? Never ask that question because the answer is always yes!

It gets personal when I realize nature is calling. Home isn’t that far away but it could be an embarrassment if I don’t get there in time. The drivers slow down even more.

I whisper a prayer, forgiveness for my wild days on the road. I turn onto the road leading to home. I can do this. I can make it. Traffic slows to a halt. What would Steve McQueen do?

Gritting my teeth, I see two cars ahead of me. They are staring at the road. They are texting. They are not old people. They are part of the legion of slow drivers targeting me. When all seems lost as I swing and sway to delay disaster, traffic begins to move again. Slowly.

Minutes that seem like hours go by until I reach home. I pull down our long driveway. I race into the house with personal shame just narrowly averted. I calm down before returning to the car to collect my things.

I look up at the street. There’s no traffic. The slow drivers have disappeared. Is it a conspiracy? What would Steve McQueen do?

On local roads ...

22 thoughts on “WHAT WOULD STEVE McQUEEN DO?

  1. The thing that gets to me are the drivers who sit through most of the advanced green light so by the time it’s your turn you’ve missed it. I’d like to Steve McQueen them royally.
    (not my better side showing)
    Leslie

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  2. People think that driving slow is safe. And – (except with extreme weather conditions) – it’s not.
    The left lane is a passing lane. If you can’t stay on the right – stay off the road.
    And – if it’s one lane – give a driver some space to pass you up – for crying out loud.
    Ok – rant over 😉

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  3. Steve McQueen may very well have carried a bottle to pee into. Not saying that isn’t gross, just sayin’. I do get what you mean though — there is nothing worse than being stuck in traffic and really, REALLY having to pee!

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    • Rose, let’s carry the myth a bit further. Steve didn’t have to pee. It just mysteriously disappeared into the misty mid region.

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  4. I believe that people who drive too slow are more dangerous than people who drive too fast. At least, that is what I like to think.

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  5. I really hate to mention this… but wouldn’t Steve have just pulled to the roadside and peed? Not even behind a tree? Perhaps on his car tire? Perhaps on the roadway? 😀

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    • Your majesty, you know one of my secrets. If all is lost, there is the roadside. Once, during my working days, such an incident occurred. As I was finishing up behind a tree, I turned and noticed people were watching. The price of celebrity!!

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      • Ahem…. please capitalize “majesty” next time. HRH,QoD also works. 😀

        You are talking about once??!!??? Hellsyeah…. I KNEW I was most busy and important…. had no idea I’d had more folks staring at my wax on, wax off, than the real deal. LOL…

        As Rosa knows, peeing into a bottle is a great possibility depending upon ones chromosomes. However, harrumph, Shirley you know that only Chuck can turn pee to vapors over the nether-section. 😉

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  6. Hilarious, Garry: absolutely get your frustration, but you have told it in such a funny way that I laughed out loud! We get the Sunday Afternoon Dawdlers over here: often tiny wizened gnomes (and gnomesses!) who think twenty mph is dangerously fast, and hog the middle of the road for miles, whilst gesturing (presumably for the benefit of their unobservant passengers) at EVERY SINGLE tree, bush, horse, example of road kill along the route. They also all have suffered total indicator failure and their ability to use the brakes is very suspect! Oh, and parking (once they get to town) is a leisurely affair for these people, as they waste hours trying to squeeze into a spot too small for a dodgem car – and then ram their ancient vehicle in so hard that several other cars ricochet up over each other like a conga line of mating dinosaurs.
    xxx

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    • Ali, you’ve covered the range of things encountered with the legion of slow drivers. Just thinking about it makes me want to hire 7 men. Men who deal in lead. Men like Steve McQueen.

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    • And somehow, a conga line of mating dinosaurs just makes me keep coming back, and back, and back again. Excellent word picture, and thank you.

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