TIME WHORES AND THEIR DAMNED GAMES

Back to Life – After an especially long and exhausting drive or flight, a grueling week at work, or a mind-numbing exam period — what’s the one thing you do to feel human again?


TimeTravelIt’s all the fault of the damned Chrono-Guard. They keep messing around with my life’s timeline. Good grief, how in the world can I be back in school? What malevolent fate has done this to me? I served my time. I even got a damned degree, against all odds.

I’m sure everyone who knew me was betting against me (ha! gotcha that time!), but I graduated in what had to be the world’s most insipid ceremony. I don’t remember who spoke.

It was probably one of our professors. An especially hoary old one who’d been gathering moss for fifty odd years … though with the way Those People are bending time, it could easily have been 250 years. Maybe old Broadus could write so authoritatively about Alexander Hamilton because he used to hang out with him. Maybe he was the one who shot him!

Exams? Again? For the past 40 years — or however many — it’s hard to figure given the confusion about when was when and the non-linearity of the past, I’ve had a repeating nightmare in which I find myself in a classroom, ready to take a final exam. Not only am I stark naked (which no one seems to notice) but I realize I’ve never attended that class and have no idea what subject is being tested. I always wake up sweating and screaming.

Those dreams are not a bad summary of my collegiate experience, minus the nudity, of course. I’m pretty sure if I’d shown up for a final naked, someone would have noticed. The professor at least. They were a horny lot.

I think what I need to feel human again is to convince the Chrono-Guard I do not want to work for them. I do not want to do any more time traveling. Ever. Leave me alone and get out of my head once and for all.

What’s the one thing that would make me feel better?

GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Put my life back in order. How will I know when — or if — to send birthday cards if I don’t even know what century I’m living in? Eh? Did you ever consider that, you time whores?

I hate the Chrono-Guard. I really do.

ODDBALL PHOTOS, WEEK 22 — COUNTRY HOUSE PHOTOS

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CEE’S ODDBALL PHOTOS, WEEK 22

At a party, almost over. A good party. Old friends, not seen in a long time. It’s a little disconcerting because everyone seems surprised I’m alive … or maybe that I look reasonably normal.

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I’m not sure what they expected. Maybe I’d rather not know. For once, I made a command decision to spend the time socializing and not taking pictures.   But just before we left, after the cake, the food, and conversation, I grabbed a few shots.

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From Sharon, Massachusetts, this week’s oddball photos.

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A MAGICAL WALK IN A WOODS

The Ray Bradbury Noun List Twist

My list? A shiny scroll, vacuum taffy, a cake, a tool box, armor, a rainbow turtle, a bottle, a bottle of Allergone, a laser. I shall use the first seven of these nine items, with modifying adjectives to make them part of the narrative. It’s a magical adventure in the woods … or at least the beginning of one …


sun and misty woodsIt’s misty in the forest. I was hanging loose, on my recliner with the laptop. The ballgame was playing on the television, I mentally drifting, lazily thinking about supper. What I would cook. When.

Then I drifted into a trance. Just a light trance — which brought me to the forest. I didn’t do it on purpose exactly, but sometimes the magic gets loose and does its own thing.

Not sure how far from home I am. For all I know, I could be in my back yard. Can’t see farther than the trees and mist blocking my view.

I’m here for a reason, but what?

I’ve brought stuff with me. The most interesting item is a shiny scroll. Not mine. I just found it in my hand. I’m sure it’s magical. Without a power source, it’s glowing. I bet when I open it will contain instructions, or at least an explanation.

I’ve brought some favorite goodies — a half pound of vacuum-packed salt water taffy and a boxed 7-layer cake. I would have brought water, but it’s bulky and heavy. There’s usually water in the woods anyhow. In fact, I can hear water, probably a stream no more than a couple of hundred feet away. I will head towards it in just a moment.

I bought my spelling toolbox. I grabbed it as I left home. It’s my version of a magician’s top hat. I can keep putting stuff in, but it never gets unwieldy or too full.

small bottleI’m wearing armor too, just to be on the safe side. It attaches itself to me as soon as I begin a magical adventure. It knows. An old hobbit buddy of mine gave it to me when he went to the Grey Havens. It’s almost weightless, far stronger than Kevlar. Mithril. You can’t buy it anymore, not even on Amazon.

I packed my rainbow porcelain turtle. I keep it full of useful spells. I never know what I’ll need … or when. And my little golden bottle. It looks empty. but it really contains a tiny genie who can slip silently into any crevice, no matter how small.

Now, I think I’ll follow the sound of that water. When I get there, I’ll have a little something to drink, a bit of cake or taffy. Open the scroll, see what I’ll be doing for the next bit of time.

Magic is rich with the unexpected.