TO CHANGE A LIFE

On my way out the door to the doctor. This is obviously a rerun, but I think it’s appropriate and no time today to do an original. See you all later!!


I had been married about a year. It was probably the thousandth recital of my tale of woe. How I had been beaten, abused, molested, bullied from my earliest memories until my jailbreak at age 17.

That day, my husband looked at me and said: “You’ve told me this before. Often. I hear you. It was bad. Your father belongs in jail. But you don’t live there anymore.It’s time to move on. Let it go. Stop dwelling in the past. Go forward without all that crap hanging all over you.”

the doctor is in

There were a lot of ways I could have answered. I might have gotten angry. I could have pointed out he could take his own advice. But I didn’t. I could have told him it isn’t so easy, letting go of the past, dumping baggage. I didn’t say that, either.

What I said was: “You’re right. I’ll try to do that.”

I did try and eventually, succeeded. I can’t say I never looked back. I looked back plenty. But I never went back into those bad old memories and dwelt there. I never again let those memories dominate me. Getting completely free of all the awful stuff took long years. Half a lifetime and then some. While I worked it out, I didn’t let it control me. It was a piece of advice I needed to hear and heed.

I give to anyone who might need it, the same advice. In the end, no matter how horrible your childhood, no matter how traumatic your life was, unless you want the people who hurt you, molested you, mistreated you, or abused you to rule you, your only choice is to let go and move on.

There is no other way. When you are deep in the morass of painful memories, full of rage and pain at those who hurt you, the suffering you are enduring isn’t hurting them at all. You are hurting only yourself. Haven’t you been hurt enough? Why grant the bad guys power over you? Why would you want to do that?

No one needs to tell me it’s easier said than done. I know that. It wasn’t easy, but I got it done. So can you.

Sometimes, I get to give people who need it, a bit of good advice. That’s my little gift. Maybe I help. Someone, somewhere.


Be the Change – What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

48 thoughts on “TO CHANGE A LIFE”

  1. I liked what Elizabeth Smart said after being rescued from Brian David Mitchell. When asked how she was dealing with the memories, she said – in essence – that he’d already taken a year of her life, and she refused to give him anymore.

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      1. I was thinking, it’s quite often harder to take advice than to give it – I find that I dislike giving advice because I so often dislike taking any 🙂 I will say, though, that the older I get the more willing I am to take advice if it’s any good.

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        1. I don’t offer advice unless asked. If I’ve learned nothing else in life, it’s that when people are telling you their problems, they are usually just venting. If they want advice, they’ll ask. I do listen though. I take advice from people I trust because good advice is golden. But, I’m selective about who I listen to. Very selective 🙂

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  2. Fantastic, true, freeing message. The journey is long, the path is dark, the anger,betrayal, and hurt are real. But Letting go brings in the light.

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    1. Thanks for reading it. And liking. I truly believe moving on is the only real choice. Short of revenge – which for most of us is not an option – what else is there? And it feels so good when you finally do it. Makes you wonder what took you so long!

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  3. Both of my parents were alcoholics. One night, at the age of 6, I stood in the crossfire and got hurt. Had to have stitches and stay in the hospital. After that I lived with my Grandmother, she has given me the most beautiful childhood, memories that I treasure and I owe here everything. Still my early years hunted me. I was mad and upset about it. Was angry with my parents. One night, not so long ago…I let go of it. The ghosts of the past went away. Beautiful post my dear!

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  4. Yep. I tell this to my niece every time we talk. “If you don’t like the way he treats you, get out of range.” “But it isn’t always like that and I really love him.” “So stop calling me when this shit is going on, OK? Call me when you’re happy. All I hear is that he treats you badly.” Really, no one hears anything until they have to… 🙂

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    1. I think it’s not so amazing getting past your childhood by the time you enter senior citizenship. At a certain point, time alone ought to suggest the past is REALLY over — and maybe it’s time to let it go. I’m surprised by how hard many people cling to their misery. I wonder if they really want to be rid of it.

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      1. Its hard for me to reply: I was very blessed with a happy childhood. All I know is that, no matter how old we are, we all seem to see ourselves as the children we once were, for good or ill.
        I still admire you!

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  5. it is awesome advice. I have a similar background as I was raped at 13 froma stranger in my building. it took a long time to get comfortable with the world around me again. But the biggest thing I had to let go of was a crabby angry father that seemed to have a bad attitude. I was angry for many hears becase of his example of how to turn out like an adult I turned out cranky and criticle of the world around me. I got throught that am more possitive now. But I had to let it go and for give my dad I think for my own sake then his. You can listen to someone telling you about what to change or you can HEAR it. it depends on when you are ready to hear it.

    Good words. Thank you for your lovely post today. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Neat. A lot of the stuff was already in experimental form when the movie was made. Like drones, which are really radio-controlled model airplanes with precision control and bombs attached. I’m sure we’ve got a lot of stuff being tested now that we can’t imagine but it’s already there. I remember when I worked at Intel in the 90s and they were creating WiFi and assured me that in ten years, we’d be wireless for just about everything. And so we are — except electricity. You still have to plug stuff into those pesky wall outlets 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This is a wonderful piece of advice. To move forward in life the baggage of past should be left alone. Peeping through the baggage is okay sometimes but carrying it around is not. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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    1. It’s amazing how much easier life becomes when you aren’t hauling the weight of all the bad stuff that ever happened to you. You don’t even know how heavy it was until you let it go. That was what my whole book was about. It is also, essentially, the entire meaning of the Christian concept of “forgiveness.” In the Christian parlance, you hand over the pain and sadness and anger to God and let HIM take care of it. No matter how you do it, it works. And it improves your life.

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  7. Thanks Marilyn. I wish I could personally meet and congratulate you on this. There is no point taking your bad past. I realize through the experiences that it’s pretty easy to say, ‘Move On.” But now that you have actually done that, hats off. Stay Blessed 🙂

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