Warning: If you are not a Star Trek fan this will probably make no sense to you. Or not …
I’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. Not just the original. But most of the other ones too. Star Trek Next Generation, Star Trek Voyager, and Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
It’s addicting! I just keep watching. One right after the other. I admit I remember all the episodes from the original Star Trek. I’ve seen them all at least a hundred times and that’s no exaggeration. As for the other shows, I’ve found that some, I remember. Others, I’ve forgotten. BBC America will run an episode of the original Star Trek followed by Star Trek Voyager, then a Star Trek Next Generation episode. I’ve never watched them all intermixed like that.
That’s probably why I never noticed there is one thing that all Star Trek episodes have in common. Something that they all do in all the episodes all the time. EVERY EPISODE! EVERY SINGLE ONE! I’m betting even the most ardent ” Trekker/Trekkie” has never noticed it!
What is it?
They run a diagnostic. At least one, often more. Any time anything goes wrong on or off the ship, they run a diagnostic. It’s the go-to solution for absolutely everything.
Ensign: Captain, the warp drive just went down!
Captain: Run a Level Two Diagnostic. Advise me when it’s done.
Chief Engineer: Captain! The Di-lithium crystals are absorbing too much anti-matter!
Captain: Send down a Level Four Diagnostic Team and advise me when it’s done.
Chief Engineer: We can’t do that Captain!
Captain: Why not?
Chief Engineer: We only have three Level Four Diagnostic Teams sir and they’re all busy.
Captain: Doing what?
Chief Engineer: Well, Team One is doing a diagnostic on the subspace communications array. Team Two is scanning the inertial dampers. And Team Three is running a diagnostic on why all the food replicators on deck three are putting “American Cheese” on everything it replicates.
Captain: I see. So what do we do?
Chief Engineer: Well, we do have a Level Two Diagnostic Team free.
Captain: Great! Send two Level Two Diagnostic teams. That would be the same as a Level Four Diagnostic Team. Right?
Chief Engineer: Hmm. Never thought of it that way before, but yes I guess that would work. The problem is we only have one Level Two Diagnostic Team available sir. The other one is examining the warp core.
Captain: Oh. … OK. How many Level One Diagnostic Teams do we have?
Chief Engineer: Three sir. But one is busy.
Captain: Yes but we still have two Level One Teams free! Send in one Level Two team and two Level One Teams. That will give us a Level Four Diagnostic!
Chief Engineer: Brilliant sir! Why didn’t I think of that?
Captain: That’s why I’m the captain.
I’d pay money to see that episode.
Here’s the thing. My Star Trek binge started right after the election.
Every day, I bounce from immersing myself in the whole” Star Trek Universe” and jolt back to this one. The real world. The. Real. World.
I think we need to run a Level Five Diagnostic on this episode of life. Something’s terribly wrong.
Oh yeah. And, if you are a Star Trek Fan, from now on, you will notice this “diagnostic thing” every time you watch an episode of any version of Star Trek.