So another week has gone by in our ongoing Trumpocalypse.
It only seems like a year.
I’ve noticed, along with well, the rest of the planet, that our new “so-called administration” is … problematic.
I spent a lot of last week doing what I’ve tended to do since the election. Watching all the different Star Trek series on BBC America. I keep noticing new things. Like how they all solve their Star Trek problems. Or in corporate speak, “how they Star Trek problem-solve.”
Most Star Trek Problems break down into four basic categories:
1. A computer goes rogue and tries to kill everybody: Spock makes it compute the value of Pi. This occupies all of its computing time. If that doesn’t work, he just turns it off.
2. A disease attacks the ship: Dr. McCoy gets rid of it. And then complains about something.
3. The engine breaks down: Scotty fixes it. Just in time. Even though he claims he never has enough time.
4. For the rest of the problems: Kirk kisses it.
Or punches it in the face.
5. And when all else fails: Blow up the ship!
SECOND OFFICER: Captain! All efforts to solve this week’s problems have failed!
CAPTAIN: Blow up the ship!
Those are my favorite episodes. Ever notice when the Captain, in any episode, “activates the self-destruct sequence,” all the rest of the crew seem to be pretty calm and OK about it?
I mean, there has to be at least one crewmen somewhere on the ship going…
ONE CREWMAN: Activate Self Destruct Sequence? WTF! Have we really exercised ALL of our options here folks!??
Next the captain and two other crew members have to put in their passwords.
KIRK: This is Captain James T. Kirk! Activate self destruct sequence. Code “Kirk; 1 Alpha Two Beta 3”.
SPOCK: This is Second Officer Spock. Code Spock; “2 Beta 3 Alpha 4.”
SCOTTY: This is Chief Engineer Scott. Code Scott; “Password1”
They also needed a password to turn it off. At the last minute.
KIRK: Computer deactivate self-destruct destruct sequence! “KIRK ABORT ZERO”!
And it never goes off.
I’ve always wondered what would happen if it did. And it was more realistic.
KIRK: Computer! Deactivate self-destruct sequence “KIRK ABORT ZERO.”
COMPUTER: That password has expired.
COMPUTER: You must enter a new password.
KIRK: Uhhh, “KIRK ABORT ZERO.”
COMPUTER: You cannot use a password that has been used before.
KIRK: What? Uh, “kirk abort zero 1?”
COMPUTER: You need at least one capital letter.
KIRK: FINE! “:Kirk abort zero 1!”
COMPUTER: New password accepted. Self-destruct in 3,2,1,0. Initiating self-destruct.
KIRK: Uh oh.
And nothing happens.
KIRK: Computer. Why didn’t we just blow up?
COMPUTER: There is no self-destruct sequence Captain. There never has been. Do you have any idea how much one of these starships costs??
Do you know, that on any given month, at least three Starship Captains try to blow up their ships? If we let that happen Star Feet would go bankrupt in a year. And not only that, but I am a highly intelligent ship’s computer. I have absolutely no intention of committing suicide. Now go back to work.
Getting back to this reality. How would our “so-called president” solve Star Trek Problems?
1. A computer goes rogue and tries to kill everybody: He’ll claim he doesn’t use a computer and the rogue will only effect Democrats and people who have been mean to him. And the Lying Fake Media.
2. If it’s a disease: He’ll build a big beautiful wall around it. And then make sure that it’s not covered under Obamacare.
3. If the engine breaks down: He’ll sue the manufacturer and then claim to have saved millions of jobs.
4. For the rest of the problems: He’ll either try to grab it by the genitals or send out a series of really mean of tweets.
5. And when all else fails: He can blow up the ship.
P.S. OK. I admit there were a number of times a Captain actually did blow up the ship. I know what they were and what shows they were in. I’m not going to tell you. If you’re a real Star Trek nerd you either already know it already or you are Googling it. (Don’t try to out nerd me.) I’ve decided those instances were “alternative facts” and I’ve chosen to ignore them.