YOU HAVE TO BE READY FOR CHANGE – BY ELLIN CURLEY

I went to a Divorce Party last night. A friend finalized her divorce after 30 years of marriage and wanted to celebrate. She had a lot to celebrate.

I’ve rarely seen such a dramatic transformation in a person in such a short time. We’ve known her for 14 years and we’ve never seen this relaxed and happy version of her. She has changed physically too. She lost 25 pounds, changed her hair and looks like a different person. She has an inner glow about her. Her inner happiness and self-confidence shows. She’s not depressed, angry, or feeling bad about herself. The marriage was weighing her down.

I tried to get her to see the toxic nature of the marriage three years ago. She admitted that there was little left in her relationship except anger and resentment. They led separate lives with little positive communication and no love. He refused to acknowledge his contribution to the problems. He also refused counseling and showed no interest in changing in any way.

The one thing she had left in the marriage was hope. She still, somehow, believed it could work. She was not ready to pull the plug. Now she looks back and wonders why she couldn’t see the writing on the wall, those giant, black letters screaming “It’s over! Get out!”

She wasn’t ready to see it.

I had the same experience with my son. Tom and I saw that it was time to end his severely dysfunctional and destructive marriage years before he was ready to accept the inevitable. He too had a major transformation when he left the negative relationship. He became more relaxed. He seemed lighter, more positive. He laughed more and looked like he had shed a giant weight off his back and heart.

But he could not end his seven-year marriage – until he was ready.

Something happens inside of us when we are suddenly receptive to change. A light goes on or a switch is turned somewhere in our psyches. Suddenly, things gel. We see things differently. The blinders are gone and so is the hope. People cling to the familiar. We, as a species, hate and fear major changes in our lives. And divorce is one of the biggest and most difficult.

Sometimes with divorce, people can’t see past the pain and hassle of the separation and divorce process. They can’t focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Many people can’t even see the light. They don’t believe they’ll have a better life on their own. All they see is how they are feeling at that moment — lonely and heartbroken.

It takes people time to prepare for change. It can’t be rushed. I never pushed my son or my friend. I supported them through endless decisions to just give it “a little more time.” I led them to the water to see if they were ready to drink. When they weren’t, I backed off. That’s why I could be part of the divorce celebrations when they finally came.

I have to admit, my life is better now that both my son and my friend are divorced and happy. We wanted these divorces to happen, for personal, selfish reasons as well as for altruistic ones. So even if you desperately see that someone needs to end a relationship – shut up.

They will let you know when they are ready.

11 thoughts on “YOU HAVE TO BE READY FOR CHANGE – BY ELLIN CURLEY

    • You’re right! Divorce is one of the most emotionally fraught events in life. There are so many mixed emotions, before, during and sometimes even after. My ex-husband went on to a second marriage that was as bad for him as my marriage to him was bad for me. I felt truly sorry for him, particularly after he had a child with his second wife. He died suddenly before he could extricate himself from an awful situation. so I will always have a sadness about what our divorce did to my ex’s life.

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  1. Wow! Ellie That is one of the most introspective treatise on that very uncomfortable subject. There’s really nothing more to say save “Bravo” to you for voicing what many of us have been thinking and couldn’t find the words…, thank you.

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    • Both my husband and I went through painful divorces after 22 and 25 years of marriage. My son was recently divorced and now my close friend. So I’ve had a lot of experience close up with divorce. I find that fear of the unknown future is what keeps many people in deadend or downright awful marriages. People are afraid the’ll be worse off after a divorce. But most find that they are so much better off, emotionally if not financially. Most wonder afterwards why it took them so long to take the plunge. I have yet to meet someone who initiated a divorce and regrets it later. But the years of indecision and angst beforehand! There’s the rub!

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    • Thank you! It’s gratifying when I can talk about a topic that touches people’s lives. I don’t think I have anything new to say, but people rarely say anything on the subject.

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    • I got through my son’s divorce because I was certain he would have a much better life on his own. He was hurting at first but felt a weight lifted off of him almost immediately. He has met someone and they have been together for almost a year now. So he is truly happy. Strained financially, with alimony payments, but happy and grateful that he got out of a toxic marriage. And of course, he’s wondering why he waited so long to pull the plug.

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