I was doing really well (for me) until I melted down last night. It doesn’t happen as often as it once did, but it happens. I’m fine. Then seconds later, I’m not.
The body falls apart. I’m not going to get graphic, but there’s a lot of nitroglycerin involved and some screaming (mine). Which upsets the dogs and despite their good intentions, the frantic barking didn’t help much. I’m pretty sure they want to know what they should do … and sadly, nothing is the answer. There’s not much anyone can do except be there in case someone has to call an ambulance.
I was smarter last night than I sometimes am. I did NOT take the blood pressure medicine because combined with the nitro, that generally makes me dangerously sick. This hit just before I would normally have taken meds and I knew enough, this time, to not go there. It was the high point of my evening.
It was late, too. No one to call. Not a mental thing. Nothing I could tell myself that would make the pain go away or get my breathing back. Just something my body does, for no apparent reason though I’m thinking not having eaten properly or slept well for these four days probably didn’t help. Other than knowing there’s some kind of sleep and food connection, I have no idea what causes everything to cease up like that, but this has been happening a long time and is much worse now than it was years ago. Usually, I can pull out of it in less than an hour … at least to a point where I can stop screaming.
Last night was not one of those nights.
I am very tired. Not feeling much like writing or answering or for that matter, getting out of bed, but I had coffee brewing and was pretty sure the coffee would help.
I dreamed of the girls I grew up with. I haven’t seen any of them in more than 50 years, but there they were. Hanging out on Carol’s front porch — a house long knocked down and replaced. They all looked old.
I realized that I looked old too. I would have stopped to chat, but I wasn’t feeling well and went drifting homeward, worrying about dogs, knowing Garry’s on his way back. Needing to make myself at least not look like something that just crawled out from underneath the sink.
I can feel the coffee doing its job. Convincing my blood to move through veins. Helping my head to stop aching. Today will be better. I’m reasonably sure of that and the dogs are not as crazy as they were last night.
Apparently all that screaming upset them and Duke leapt the fence and slept in front of my door, refusing to move unless I emerged. He is a good boy.
I’ll be back tomorrow, but today? I’m taking the day off.