Delivery messages typically show up in my email and are as often as not, followed by retractions. “Sorry, it’ll be a little late,” or “Weather issues have delayed …” and my favorite, “Your package has gone walkabout and may never be seen again … we’ll let you know if we find it. ”

About half the time, I get a message telling me “It’s here!” Which would be great if I had any idea where it might be. The message usually says they’ve left it on the porch (NOT) on the front steps (too many dogs) … Where it actually is? Ah. That is the rub.

We’ve found packages in late spring that have spent the entire winter buried in a drift. We’ve found items flung into the woods and gnawed by squirrels. Tossed under the stairs of the deck. Dropped in the middle of the driveway, after which they were apparently rolled over by the same truck that delivered them.

The creativity of express delivery is never-ending. I think when the guys get together for a post delivery day beer, they laugh hysterically as they plan all the ways they can make packages disappear and then swear they were delivered to your front porch (NOT).

We really don’t have a front porch.

Or maybe they it’s on the back porch, except we don’t have a back porch either. Unless you count the deck. Which is a long flight of stairs upward. Why would anyone voluntarily put something up there?

Mostly, they plunk them down by the garage, which is where we actually do want them. We’ve even supplied a table on which to put them and if it’s the regular UPS guy, he will normally put them where they belong. The FedEx guy is too weird. He throws packages from the truck  into the woods, to the great amusement of the wildcats and skunk. Or delivers them to the wrong houses from which we may get them back … or maybe not. To be fair, we also get other people’s packages.

If they belong nearby, we take them over. But many of these packages are for people who live half a continent away. How they wind up in Uxbridge is something a greater mind than mine will have to contemplate. We call the delivery people, tell them to come get the packages. They never show up. I wouldn’t mind except is always sometimes completely useless … like shoes for people with odd size feet.

So let’s hear it for express. Don’t forget:  Christmas is coming!

Categories: Home, Humor

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42 replies

  1. You wanna get a security cam. Then you can name and shame 🙂


  2. Here in the Big Smoke we’re spoiled. E-bay has a feature that lets you get parcels delivered to your local big name supermarket (Woolworths) so you can pick up your mail when you do your shopping. Alternatively Australia Post delivers either to our letterbox, front door if it is a big parcel, or leaves a slip telling you when you can pick it up from the one of 3 post-offices i have withing walking distance from my house. ( oftentimes when i am sitting by the window waiting for the parcel and see the postie drop off the slip saying: “no-one was home when we called! “) But i guess this is par for the course these days??

    Does getting a delivery registered and to be signed for help or is it not cost-effective? I was collecting valuable coins for a time and never had an item go missing! Although mostly i had to go to the post office to get it. Fed Ex were an exception – great tracking system – ALWAYS delivered to the door and handed over personally!! But it COST!



  3. Frankly I don’t mind if UPS offloads small packages to the USPS to deliver, I know I have a better than even chance of getting it, that way.
    When our regular UPS driver retired two years ago I went into shopper’s mourning over it. He had been our main delivery guy for nearly 40 years and now we are adrift again, left to the whims of beginners and temps. (sobs uncontrollably)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lord spare me from another new driver. THIS one finally figured out where we live. But the post office is so lackadaisical about delivering anything. They get it — and they eventually deliver it. Don’t hold your breath. We get mail from California faster than mail from across town.


  4. Geez, glad we don’t have that problem! We did have one time when they were switching our electricity meters. We got a call saying we were not cooperating by leaving the door locked and they could not get in the side porch.
    We didn’t even know about it. They said they left several notices at our door. We never saw one. So we went to the side door and found one paper on the ground a few feet away. We told them we don’t use the side door, so in the future, leave any notices at the front door. They said they never saw one. It has a closed in porch, but it is right there. They said, but is it at the front of the house? Uhmm…yes it is.


  5. I guess I’m lucky, since most of my packages get delivered on time. Of course, live in the city, so the UPS and FedEx guys can find my place without long hikes through a dense forest.


  6. I’m always puzzled by emails that say “Your parcel was delivered” because usually that means that the local contractor left a note in my letterbox to go to the post office and get it.I don’t call that delivered. Actually the service here in Geeveston is very good though. The national companies sub contract to a local company whose drivers have been to my place so often that at least one of them knows Cindy’s name. The mail contractor is a local and she knows I live alone and don’t have a car so she asked me if it was OK to leave things on the front porch and usually will leave the smaller items even though she is convinced Cindy will crash through the front door and eat her. Heavier items I have to collect but with the help of friends I manage. My favourite though is when I am outside my house waiting for the bus and the postie drives past and hands me my mail. That is what I call personal service.


    • Part of the problem is the ever-changing personnel. The UPS guy knows us. He knows were to put the packages and he even knows to put things in the garage if the weather is really foul. But the mail guy and the Fedex guy seem to be someone new every week. As soon as they figure out who you are and where you live, they’re gone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree, it’s like that here. I get good service because the post office people and mail contractor know me and my circumstances. It’s one of the problems with companies having so much part time and casual labour. People are never there long enough to take ownership of their job and have pride in it. Especially when they are overworked and underpaid.


  7. What really really scalds me, is when you call up to protest a particular set of behaviors, and the person (I’m being polite here) at the other end says, “that’s not my problem, ma’am” and you can hear the delivery guy talking to her, telling her he ‘delivered the package”. And I know if I don’t hang up first, she will, and our next UPS delivery will be a box of shards. As to Fed Ex, few companies ever ask which one you want, and invariably it’s UPS. No idea why.


    • I have gotten pretty hostile with them and at this point, they come back and hunt down the package. I have also warned Amazon to NOT use their “special service” which really means dropping it off at the post office after which it can be a week before someone bothers to deliver it. If I’m paying for 2-day service, out here, you don’t use the post office. Fighting through wind and snow and rain? HAH! If it’s drizzling? They’re not here.


  8. We have a 6 foot tall chain link fence that gives the delivery dudes a sense of security. And just by the gate, we have a tiny shed with signs that say “please leave packages here”. MOST of the time, they leave the packages there. Most of the time. Very rarely, they’ll leave them beside the shed, or try and throw them over the fence. But it’s rare. Sometimes the USPS person will try and shove the smaller ones in the mailbox and it’s a hell of a time trying to get them out. I hate it when they do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have a big table with a had rubber top for packages. I got a BIG mailbox, but sometimes, it looks close to exploding. Our problem with the fences is convincing them to NOT COME INSIDE. It isn’t that the dogs will hurt them … but I don’t want our dogs out there in the road!


      • Our dogs do a good job of convincing people to not come inside. Brandy looks fierce when she’s barking. Also, we put a carabiner through the latch which gives most people pause enough to look at the “Please leave gate closed” and “Beware of dogs” signs we have posted there.


  9. Christmas is coming? I’m more exciting about Halloween coming- which is when I turn off all the lights in the house and pretend I’m not home.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Trouble with all this ordering stuff is there isn’t a hold back. So you may have paid for something that you didn’t get – THAT’S NOT RIGHT.


  11. Never, never, type in “UPS deliveries” into YouTube. The drop kick is my favorite.

    We live 1/2 mile from the main road, but our long driveway is usually in better shape than
    the main road. UPS new drivers refuse to drive up it. One guy left a very expensive bit of
    electronic stuff in the middle of the drive, where anyone passing could pick it up.

    When we complained, they said the next time they;ll deliver it. And they did. they tied it to an apple tree.
    The regular guys are super. It’s the new ones, or the subs, that get bored, and don’t care.

    They, too, put down “delivered to front porch” (which we don’t have) or “blew horn but no one was home” wrong… or “knocked on door but got no answer” (liar liar pants on fiar) and, yes, leave it in a snowdrift under the drip line of the roof. Thank you, UPS.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sounds like home to me. I do love the “rang bell and no one answered.” Liars! The front porch is still my favorite. We barely have a one step stoop … and it’s in the middle of the DO NOT ENTER THE DOG’S YARD area. The snow drifts in the very back of the dog’s yard is MY favorite. Not ONLY does it live under piles of ice and snow until mud season, but the dogs climb on it and do terrible things to it.

      But you know? We live out in the world of “no shopping nearby.” So deliveries are us!


  12. My UPS guy is one of my best friends. Since I ordered most of the stuff that is currently in my house, he was my moving company. FEDEX, however, will deliver things to the garage which is BEHIND my house, beyond a 6 foot wood fence. ANYONE could take those packages, but thanks to the notifications, I manage to get them first. Since there are almost no stores within range — Walmart but I hate going there — I rely on those guys. Thank goodness I have a porch!


    • We also have Walmart. There a small mall about 25 miles away, but there’s nothing there I need or want except clothing, if I needed or wanted clothing. There’s also a PetSmart there, but I order dog food from Amazon because I get better quality for less money. There is another mall about 30 miles south where they have a Home Depot, so every once in a while, we take a deep breath and try to deal with them. It is up there with Walmart for stores I really hate.

      Fortunately for us, most of our packages come UPS and he is fine. The Fedex guy is just weird.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. My name is Godot. I’m waiting for the bloody package.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Goodness! I will never complain about our UK delivery services again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a city-vs-country life thing. They do better in city and suburbs. Out here? There’s a lot of driving because houses are very far apart, so the drivers are under a lot of pressure to make their “numbers” and keep their jobs. It’s also hard work … but that doesn’t explain tossing packages from the truck into the middle of snow drifts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely horrid – throwing stuff into snow drifts. Our delivery men do make mistakes – the house numbering in a town as old as Wenlock is quite batty, but you usually get the errors sorted out.


        • I think the bottom line of the problem is they give these guys impossible routes and if they don’t make all the deliveries, they lose their jobs. After a while, they just don’t care anymore. It’s a hard job.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes, that is something to think about. So many people these days are employed on absolutely rubbish terms. All in the plan of the transnational corporations to reduce the workforce to anxiety-making insecurity. I am now feeling much better about the delivery to the snowdrift 😉


  15. I have now stopped laughing although it is not funny I know. I feel almost guilty because our parcels really arrive when they should, but it’s the Swiss way probably and we have only 7-8 million households in Switzerland, so it reduces the risk . I am also lucky because I know the TNT and UPS guys that deliver as I dealt with them businesswise when I was working as an export clerk. They were our contacts to the outside world with our parcels and cases, and called in at the company daily in the evening to collect the goods. They now even know my personal address as now and again we get a delivery. Otherwise it is all Swiss post. If they have a parcel they send a notification saying when it will be delivered. Our only problem is if it is registered and you are not at home to sign, you have to go to the local post office to pick it up and since they closed our village post office, it is now in the next village.

    Liked by 1 person

    • When we lived in the city, we got things much more regularly, but out here, the UPS guy — if he is on and not a substitute — is just fine. The FedEx guy is convinced our dogs are going to eat him (OUR dogs?) and flings packages without regard for content. Sometimes, I think they purposely destroy packages because it’s fun.

      Hardly anyone sends anything by mail anymore, so picking things up has gotten more complicated. Where, exactly, the pick up office IS for UPS and Fedex, I do not know. In the winter, it gets really bad. They won’t drive down our driveway if it isn’t 100% clear of all ice and snow … which is pretty rare once winter gets started, so I try not to order anything during the really snowy months.

      That being said, they are actually BETTER than they used to be. Imagine, if you will, how bad they were!

      Liked by 1 person

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