THIS IS A TEST AND ONLY A TEST? – TOM CURLEY

The big story a while back, or at least one of them, was a false missile alert that went out to the people of Hawaii saying a missile strike was imminent.

Not surprisingly, a lot of people freaked out, ran around in circles and hid under their desks. It took about a half hour for news to come out that it was a mistake.

Oops!

What was also not surprising, at least to me, was how many people ignored the warning. They looked at the alert on their cell phones and went “Nah, gotta be a mistake.” And they were right. It was a mistake. It was supposed to be the weekly test of the EBS, the Emergency Broadcast System. Some poor schlub pressed the wrong button.

Not that button!!

And in the poor schlub’s defense, it was easier to do than you might think. The system is on a computer. There’s a pull-down menu that has two selections, right next to one another.


1. Send missile alert.
2. Send missile alert test.

He hit number 1.

So of course, the computer said, “Are you sure?” and he hit “Yes. “Which is not surprising either. It’s a brain thing. You see what you expect to see. You hear what you expect to hear.

The real question is, what idiot set up that program? For something this important, you should have to at least go to separate screens to for each choice. The back-up responses the computer makes should be a little more robust.

This is how the program should respond to you pressing option 1.

“Are you sure?”
Yes
“Are you really sure?”
Yes
“Really, really, really sure???”
Yes
“You do realize you’re about to scare the shit out of millions of people, right?”
Yes.
“For Christ’s sake, stop looking at porn on your phone and pay attention to me! You really meant to press option 2, the TEST button, right!?”
Yes.
“Finally!”

The EBS system has been around since 1963. We’ve all grown up listening to weekly tests on the radio and TV.

And only a test!

This isn’t the first time an accidental alert went out and nobody paid much attention to it. When I was in college during the 1970’s I worked at my college radio station, WVHC. Back then we got our news from teletype machines.

When a really important story broke, the machines would start dinging like a slot machine that just hit the million-dollar jackpot. You were supposed to drop everything and run to the machine to see what was going on. I was working one weekend at the station, doing a live show. I was there by myself. Suddenly the teletype machine went crazy. I ran to the machine and read the copy. It was an EBS “White” alert.

What was that?

Well, there were three alerts back then. A “blue alert”  was a test of the EBS system. When they sent that out, you had to play the “Blue alert” tape cartridge.  It basically said:


“This is a test, and only a test, of the Emergency Broadcast System. In case of a real emergency, you will be informed of where to tune to get more information of the actual emergency. Again, this is only a test.”


Then you would hear an annoying tone that was supposed to activate automated radio stations. Or something like that. I always thought it was just put there to be annoying.

Then you had the “White” alert. This announced some kind of “national emergency”.  We never knew exactly what that was.

Hey, it could happen!

And then there was the “RED” alert. That was the one where there was an imminent nuclear strike, and we had 15 minutes to kiss our asses goodbye.

Goodbye ass!

I can’t tell you what the “White” and “Red” cartridges said because they were sealed in envelopes above our broadcast console and we were NOT ALLOWED TO EVER OPEN THEM! Unless of course, we got the alert which told us to do so.

Hey, it really could happen!

So, when the “White” alert came over the wires, I looked at it, and at first, I went “Wow, now I get to hear what the “White” cart says!” And then I went “Nah, someone just hit the wrong button.”

I went back to my show. It became a big story the next day. But not for the reason you’d think. It turns out,  nobody paid any attention to the alert!  Radio stations all over the country looked at it and they all went “Nah, someone just hit the wrong button.”

The government was very upset. They should have been relieved.

Yes, I know Obama was not President in the 1970s. You get my point! Lighten up!

I’ll never forget one day back when I was Program Director for the radio station. I came down to the studio. A freshman was on the air. He’d just finished playing the “Blue” cart. When it was over he looked at me, very seriously, and asked,

“Tom, if there  was a nuclear war, do I really have to stay down here and play the Red cart?”

At first I was going to say “Yes, it’s your patriotic duty as dictated by the FCC and God Almighty that you spend your last moments on this planet warning your fellow citizens they’ve got  moments to live!” Then I realized he would probably not get the joke.  Sometimes my humor is subtle.

Instead, I said “Dude, you do what you gotta do”. He was so relieved.  Freshmen are adorable.

This is called a “call-back” in the comedy biz.!

I grew up during the height of the cold war. In grade school, we had regular “duck and cover drills”. In some, we would have to duck under our desks when our teacher suddenly yelled “DUCK!”

And at least once a month we all had to leave our classroom, go out into the hall with our coats and sit cross-legged against the wall with our coats over our heads.

We were not allowed to sit next to a window. Why? Well, if you were sitting next to a window when a nuclear bomb went off, the flying glass could put your eye out! I’m not making that up.

I will never forget one day, when I was in sixth grade, we were doing our drill when one of my classmates stood up and started shouting: “What is wrong with all of you? Why are we sitting here with coats over our heads? If a nuclear bomb goes off, we are all going to be vaporized in seconds!! This is stupid!”

And just like that, like the moment when your cousin tells you Santa isn’t real, it dawned on all of us: “Wow, that makes sense.”

Needless to say, much crying, hysteria  and gnashing of teeth ensued. The Principal was not amused and tried to suspend the child for pointing out the obvious. Fortunately, she didn’t succeed.

Does the EBS system make any sense?

In the case of nuclear war, not really. Do we really want to spend the last 15 minutes of our lives crapping our pants because we know what’s about to happen? As far as the “White” national emergency alert, there has been one time that it should have been used.

Another call-back! I’m on a roll.

No, not that. I’m referring  to September 11th, 2001.

Not one radio or TV station played any kind of alert that day! WTF?

We baby boomers grew up with the potential threat of total nuclear annihilation. It was part of our daily lives. Deep down, we never believed it would happen. Even after the Cuban Missile Crisis, which was the closest mankind came to ending it all, we didn’t believe it could happen.

But these days? I don’t know anymore.

DUCK!!

19 thoughts on “THIS IS A TEST AND ONLY A TEST? – TOM CURLEY”

  1. I was that kid in MY school. I was like 8 or 9 maybe? They called my mother. Very upset. She laughed at them. I don’t mean a little chuckle. She absolutely HOWLED. That turned out to be the last duck and cover drill ever held at good old P.S. 35.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve talked to a lot of people about the Cuban missile crisis. I wasn’t scared but my friends were. They were sure we’d all get blown up. I was sure we wouldn’t. I suppose I was too young to imagine we could have leaders so stupid as to allow it to happen. I was, apparently, wrong. I am comforted by figuring we’ll be incinerated and never know what hit us.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I missed that whole dive under your desk and/or go to the hall and put your coat over your head while huddling against a brick wall that probably is going to fall on you anyway. We did have earthquake drills now and then. And as an adult I was bemused when, after 9/11, the company I worked for became hyper-emergency preparedness aware. We had drills (consisting of going outside to the parking lot…which is dim witted because isn’t the enemy going to attack from ABOVE?) and had our smarmy Assistant to the HR Director show us the satellite phone she had tucked away in the plastic bin o’ preparedness. Only she and the HR Director knew how to use the thing or the pass codes for it or whatever..and I had to pray that neither of them got wonked if we did get hit. Now I live near to an airforce base. A BIG airforce base. If attack is imminent, I suspect Northern Utah ain’t going to last 15 minutes. Which is fine with me. Who wants to deal with the aftermath anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didn’t put it in the piece but my elementary school was next to a big bakery and it had the cities air raid siren on the roof. They tested it every day at noon. I always thought that if there ever was a war the Russians should attack at noon. We’d all just think it was lunch.

      Like

  4. I watched TV all day on 9/11 and I never thought about them not running the alert.
    For a few hours no one knew what would happen next or when it would end.
    But many of us were watching it live on TV.
    College radio was a fun adventure!

    Like

Talk to me!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.