GOP PROTESTS NON-HUMAN UNIONS AMIDST WORLD-WIDE DEMONSTRATIONS

A POLITICAL FANTASY – PROBABLY NOT THE REAL NEWS


Given the furor over gay marriage, it should have come as no surprise that there would be hysterical outrage over the legalized joining of humans with their favorite device, animal, mineral, or plant.

As soon as the technology became available, millions of teenagers raced to fuse with their cell phones, nerds with their computers, aviators with fighter planes, animal rights activists with their favorite vanishing species (leading some to wonder if this will not signal the death knell for many species) and tree huggers with large forests. Fundamentalist Christian groups — never imagining the far-reaching implications of this law — scrambled to get out of church and on the street.

GodIsFunny

“Clearly,” stated the Reverend Righteous P. Indignation, spokesman for the Church of the Ridiculous Assumption, “This is not what God had in mind. Although the Bible does not specifically mention marriage — or fusion — with non-human things, this can’t be right in His eyes.” Indignation’s statement was greeted by catcalls, neighing, bleats, beeps and a goodly amount of shrill ringing.

Many, mirroring the human yearning for the freedom of flight have chosen to form a union with some kind of bird. Eagles were most popular, with geese, swans, and other water fowl close behind. Racing enthusiasts have become horses, often with the rear end as the dominant segment while bookies have chosen chainsaws and jack hammers.

In Bali, a teen, Ngurah Alit, was caught having sex with a cow. Boys will be boys! But the teen wasn’t acting without consent. According to the Jakarta Globe, “[Alit] claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.”
Corporations have hustled to reinvent themselves in light of a weirdly altered target audience, communications providers from television to Hollywood have made efforts to reconfigure everything from seating in stadiums to snacks at movie kiosks.

The potential impact on major sports has not yet been calculated. Some prefer to be a ball and others a bat, so to speak.

Only Walmart, ever sanguine, merely widened aisles in super-stores.

“We never care what customers look like,” said a spokesman. “If they look or behave like sheep or cattle, as long as they pay at the register, everyone is welcome at Wally World.”

26 thoughts on “GOP PROTESTS NON-HUMAN UNIONS AMIDST WORLD-WIDE DEMONSTRATIONS

      • dancingpalmtrees February 8, 2018 / 1:57 am

        Teens are already connected just like the Borg in Star Trek to their devices, especially their cell phones. Like Umbilical cords. I work as a museum security guard and when I worked the day shift I saw entire classes/groups of teens walk by Rembrandts, Renoirs, Caravaggio, Vermeer, Monet, Manet, etc… like they were in a daze. Possessed by Texting or stupid videos. Its a wonder they ever got their homework correct! Modern Day Zombies!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Marilyn Armstrong February 8, 2018 / 12:25 pm

          And when they decide they need NEW phones, will they need to go to court for a divorce? Who keeps the children?

          Like

      • lifelessons February 8, 2018 / 3:47 am

        I think they already have, Marilyn, by the looks of it. Even in Mexico.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Marilyn Armstrong February 8, 2018 / 12:29 pm

          An international trend. But … what happens when a new phone comes out? And … I keep asking … who keeps the kids?

          Like

          • lifelessons February 8, 2018 / 1:01 pm

            The kids are obsolete before maturity and divorce is rampant in both humanoid and humanoid/cyber marriages. We’re all composed of the same molecules and sub-atomic particles.. Everything relative. Illegal to marry your dog but not your phone.

            Like

  1. Willow February 8, 2018 / 2:10 am

    It was only a matter of time. ^_^

    Like

    • Marilyn Armstrong February 8, 2018 / 12:24 pm

      How do you divorce your phone after you’ve married it? Does your phone need its own lawyer?

      Like

      • Willow February 8, 2018 / 12:25 pm

        You turn it off. Now it’s dead and you’re a widow(er) free to marry again.

        Like

        • Marilyn Armstrong February 8, 2018 / 12:30 pm

          I like that. Do you need the coroner to make it official? You know, get a piece of paper declaring your phone officially dead. Do you also need to pry out the battery?

          Like

          • Willow February 8, 2018 / 12:33 pm

            Now you’re getting all complicated. ^_^ I suppose you’d have to take it to an electrician or sumthin who can declare it “non repairable” as for the battery… I leave that for the lawmakers to decide. 😛

            Like

  2. lwbut February 8, 2018 / 3:15 am

    There is an on-going struggle within humanity between pushing out the boundaries of what is possible – and staying within the boundaries of what is good and comfortable. (or at least familiar) 😉

    The larger a population the further apart are the extremes.

    Like

      • lwbut February 9, 2018 / 2:51 am

        I can live with them – but i wouldn’t want my sister to marry one! 😉

        Like

  3. swo8Leslie February 8, 2018 / 10:23 am

    I’m scratching my head over this.
    Leslie

    Like

    • Marilyn Armstrong February 8, 2018 / 12:22 pm

      It’s a goof. I read the article about the cow and imagined if everyone decided to marry the thing they love the most. Cell phones, for example.

      Like

  4. Covert Novelist February 8, 2018 / 12:41 pm

    Absolutely hilarious, Marilyn and Willow. Completely enjoyed this. haha

    Like

      • Covert Novelist February 8, 2018 / 7:26 pm

        It does indeed. I love it. I say something silly to the grands every day 🙂 just to get the mood going hehe

        Like

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