GOP PROTESTS NON-HUMAN UNIONS AMIDST WORLD-WIDE DEMONSTRATIONS

A POLITICAL FANTASY – PROBABLY NOT THE REAL NEWS


Given the furor over gay marriage, it should have come as no surprise that there would be hysterical outrage over the legalized joining of humans with their favorite device, animal, mineral, or plant.

As soon as the technology became available, millions of teenagers raced to fuse with their cell phones, nerds with their computers, aviators with fighter planes, animal rights activists with their favorite vanishing species (leading some to wonder if this will not signal the death knell for many species) and tree huggers with large forests. Fundamentalist Christian groups — never imagining the far-reaching implications of this law — scrambled to get out of church and on the street.

GodIsFunny

“Clearly,” stated the Reverend Righteous P. Indignation, spokesman for the Church of the Ridiculous Assumption, “This is not what God had in mind. Although the Bible does not specifically mention marriage — or fusion — with non-human things, this can’t be right in His eyes.” Indignation’s statement was greeted by catcalls, neighing, bleats, beeps and a goodly amount of shrill ringing.

Many, mirroring the human yearning for the freedom of flight have chosen to form a union with some kind of bird. Eagles were most popular, with geese, swans, and other water fowl close behind. Racing enthusiasts have become horses, often with the rear end as the dominant segment while bookies have chosen chainsaws and jack hammers.

In Bali, a teen, Ngurah Alit, was caught having sex with a cow. Boys will be boys! But the teen wasn’t acting without consent. According to the Jakarta Globe, “[Alit] claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.”
Corporations have hustled to reinvent themselves in light of a weirdly altered target audience, communications providers from television to Hollywood have made efforts to reconfigure everything from seating in stadiums to snacks at movie kiosks.

The potential impact on major sports has not yet been calculated. Some prefer to be a ball and others a bat, so to speak.

Only Walmart, ever sanguine, merely widened aisles in super-stores.

“We never care what customers look like,” said a spokesman. “If they look or behave like sheep or cattle, as long as they pay at the register, everyone is welcome at Wally World.”

26 thoughts on “GOP PROTESTS NON-HUMAN UNIONS AMIDST WORLD-WIDE DEMONSTRATIONS”

      1. Teens are already connected just like the Borg in Star Trek to their devices, especially their cell phones. Like Umbilical cords. I work as a museum security guard and when I worked the day shift I saw entire classes/groups of teens walk by Rembrandts, Renoirs, Caravaggio, Vermeer, Monet, Manet, etc… like they were in a daze. Possessed by Texting or stupid videos. Its a wonder they ever got their homework correct! Modern Day Zombies!!

        Liked by 1 person

          1. The kids are obsolete before maturity and divorce is rampant in both humanoid and humanoid/cyber marriages. We’re all composed of the same molecules and sub-atomic particles.. Everything relative. Illegal to marry your dog but not your phone.

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          1. Now you’re getting all complicated. ^_^ I suppose you’d have to take it to an electrician or sumthin who can declare it “non repairable” as for the battery… I leave that for the lawmakers to decide. 😛

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  1. There is an on-going struggle within humanity between pushing out the boundaries of what is possible – and staying within the boundaries of what is good and comfortable. (or at least familiar) 😉

    The larger a population the further apart are the extremes.

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