DREAM AND REAL – Marilyn Armstrong


In my dreams – now rapidly fading as dreams do when you wake – is that I was so exhausted I could not continue. I didn’t know why I was so exhausted, only that I could barely raise my head from the pillow. I knew I had to quit the job that I had and I wasn’t entirely clear what job I was working

It turned out I was working for the military, searching out information on obscure (unknown?) bases in distant places … and I was not allowed to tell anyone what I was doing because I was supposedly doing something else. I had gotten my old friend Dorothy to join me and she had been working on some other base in some other part of the world, but had finally had enough and quit.

I wanted to quit too, but I felt I had to stay because it was secret and military and somehow, important, though I wasn’t sure why it was important. Or to whom.

Juxtapose reality: Life has been exhausting. I do what I must and then I do what I should and just when I think I’ve done everything I need to do, it’s the next day and I have to do most of it again and I know it will never end.

Moral of the story? I need to cut back on what I think are the requirements of life. But I’m not sure what they are anymore. I’m no longer sure where the necessities are versus the things I really want to do. For whatever reason, they have become so entangled that I just try to do everything. Because I know that no one else will do them.

Having dug my computer out of hacker land, I’m changing the router – which I can ill-afford to do – but I feel pretty exposed and I need to feel more protected in a world gone mad with crazy people who are out to get me.

Why is anyone trying to get me? Or us? We have so little, why us? We know there is no answer to that question, or at least, no answer that will make us understand. The ugliness of the world is the real truth of it.

A group who had little feel they owe nothing to anyone but themselves. They probably laugh at us when they imagine how many poor people have been made even poorer through their efforts.

The right way to sleep

A cold shiver runs down my back when I realize that there are so many evil people in this world and my trusting them has not gained respect but simply made me a target.

If my dreams are telling me anything, it’s that there is too much on my plate. Too much of it feels desperately important and frightening. Oppressive. Somehow, I have to find a way to lower the pressure. I don’t know how.

I wish I had a list of ways to get it done. Something. This is no way for me to be living, not at this time in my life.

Categories: performance, Personal, Photography, Work

Tags: , , , , , , ,

22 replies

  1. I remember thinking the same thing when my husband’s bank account was hacked – on the very day his paycheck went in, and we were living paycheck to paycheck at the time. “Why us? Why take what little we had? How are we going to buy groceries, gas, …..?” I know it happened because he use his debit card (only once!) at a chain store, but emotionally I still have trouble understanding why it was us and not someone else. We got past it, of course, but never again used a debit card for purchases, and I check my bank account daily to make sure what I think is there, still is. I try to be careful online, too, but hackers are smarter than me. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • At least they’ve made the debit cards safer with the chips and faces on them, but there doesn’t seem to be any safe way to do anything these days. Someone is virtually looking over your shoulder. ALL the time. Online. Offline. And we live in the middle of nowhere. Imagine how awful it is in Boston or New York!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sure everyone is right Marilyn and you need some time to recover from this latest thing you’ve had to deal with but a large dollop of good luck would not go astray either.


  3. You were violated, Marilyn and i think there is an element of PTSD in it too. This has to be very exhausting. Take a break and try to recuperate. You have Garry there and a lot of good friends too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. To me? You’re experiencing a form of PTSD and that’s why the feeling of vulnerability and the darker outlook on the world. Most people ARE good, please cling to that and try to erase the encounter you had with unscrupulous folks with no morals and no shame. Sadly, THEY exist too. All we can do is individually fight the best fight we can (you have and to me? You’ve won); and try to soften the harsh reality with a little kindness, particularly to ourselves. I hope for you…. hope that you feel more yourself in the days ahead, hope you get some decent rest, and hope you let the dogs and the lovely people you surround yourself with do their jobs and comfort and support you. I’m truly sorry this happened.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not the first time. I’ve been scammed before. I recovered. These days, though, it is as if there’s a dark shadow on our world. Not just me. For everyone, we are suddenly in the shade and though the sun shines for a few hours, there’s always dark clouds on their way. I’ll get over it, but things have been very difficult and it isn’t just getting hit by hackers. There are a lot of things going wrong in a lot of different ways.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Everything you want to do today you get the accompany “buts” and “be careful” to an extent that you really don’t feel it is worth the risk. A new computer, a new router, but ….. is it safe – who knows.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It is no way for anyone to be living… and we should not need to be on high alert any time we go online.

    Liked by 2 people

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