FEAR OF SLEEPING, FEAR OF DREAMS – Marilyn Armstrong

FOWC with Fandango — Fear

I thought maybe that buying a new mattress would help at least by lowering the level of a backache which wakes me up every couple of hours. A

Yesterday, we got the new mattress. It’s a honey. Soft enough, yet with an underlying firmness that probably means it will be with us for a while. It’s got a lot of soft top layers that will soften further and in a few months, it will be as comfortable as a mattress ever gets.

Sometimes during the middle of the night, with my left hip throbbing (I’m a left side sleeper and no matter how hard I try, I can’t convince myself there’s any other way to be comfortable) from the pressure on the sciatic nerves, I reconfigured the bed so I would pretty much have to sleep on my back, like it or not. That’s the advantage of an adjustable bed. You can make it the perfect place to watch TV or read or chat or any other thing you and your mate — or cat or dog or kids or everybody in one great heap — can do whatever. Or, in my case, sleep on my back which is the only way I can sleep that will get me out of bed able to stand up and limp.

I finally realized my back is too far gone. No mattress is going to solve the problem. The damage is severe, permanent, not repairable. There are no drugs to make the pain go away and no exercise will do more than ease it temporarily.

Moving around helps more than anything else — so part of the problem of going to bed for me is staying in a single position makes my back hurt worst. There have been many evenings when I’ve wondered if it’s worth going to bed.

I’ve developed a serious fear about going to bed.

Then, there are nightmares. These are dreamscapes of reality. Since November 2016, I have almost continuous and nearly real nightmares. These are utterly different than my old nightmares which were typically about stress at work — or my father.

These new anxiety dreams are about The World. It is falling to pieces. I travel someplace beautiful only to realize it is crumbling as I watch. Tall buildings fall. Cliffs collapse. The river turns an ugly glowing green. Fish float to the surface. Trees fall over.

I have political dreams. The most terrifying creature in my dreams used to be my father or some dreadful boss at work. Now? It’s you-know-who and his band of sickos. That DJT is a narcissistic sociopath we already know — but who are those people who (apparently) eagerly serve him?

What are they? Are they even human?

I’m ready to travel into the past, outer space, or some imaginary parallel universe. This one isn’t working for me.

11 thoughts on “FEAR OF SLEEPING, FEAR OF DREAMS – Marilyn Armstrong”

  1. Good luck with it. The tragic crazyland we’ve had for a while has driven me to hiding from most news and into reading older paperbacks in bed at night. Terry Pratchett is one I’m rereading now, very late at night, since Sam Vimes the police officer is a fine person and things actually work with integrity in the books. I take it where I can get it.

    I have also been forcing myself to do some standing and moving around on little carpet squares in front of the computer, since too much complete lassitude for me ruins my back muscles and makes me double in size in an alarmingly short time. i somehow am aware of it right now, and it needs to change for me for the better.

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      1. Lately it really is. I genuinely believe that taking part in sane things, even if they’re Terry Pratchett novels or friendly stuff of any sort will help a lot.

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  2. I’m going to email you. What I commented is far too personal and may involve my barking up the wrong tree. That happens now and then. Peaceful dreams are my wish for you! 😦

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