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“SAN ANDREAS FAULT” – THE MOVIE WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENS – Marilyn Armstrong

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Last night, tired of the endless depressing, appalling, horrible news from around the world, Garry played a movie he had previously recorded.

San Andreas Fault is not merely a disaster film. It is every disaster film you have ever seen in one film. It’s earthquakes that will turn Kansas into the Pacific beach capital of the nation. It’s crashing buildings, towering infernos, the hugest omigod tsunamis. We get to see the bravest heroes and most craven cowardice.

It’s all there.

The crashing bridge

Every cliché from every disaster movie made in this and the previous century includes a lot of movies.  Worse, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen all of them, but we’d never seen this one before.

I think it was originally filmed in 3D. Everyone said it was drivel, but it made more than $300,000 million at the box office, so clearly drivel sells well.

Crashing cruise ship

It certainly sold well at our house last night. When the intended second husband of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson‘s wife (Carla Gugino)  played by Ioan Gruffudd (aka “The Asshole”) abandons Rock’s daughter to her fate, trapped under fallen cement in a parking garage, it’s no less than you expect from the cowardly CEO of a major corporation.

Hollywood crashing

We know they are cowards because … well …that’s what they always do in the movies, right? Have you ever seen a brave, manly CEO stand up to anyone or anything outside a boardroom? Especially when they are trying to marry the hero’s ex-wife who we all know should be with the hero.

Even though The Hero can’t utter a coherent sentence (and probably hasn’t since he came back from The War (insert name of war here), he’s a hero (with medals to prove it) and would never run, not even when a million tons of water and a complete cruise ship is about to fall on his head.

The Rock watching everything crash

So. Finally. The family reconnects. The entire west coast is smoldering ruins covered by about half the Pacific Ocean. There isn’t a bridge, a building … nothing. Total, absolute devastation everywhere.

Garry is giggling to himself.  Because he knows. I know. We both know. It’s coming.

The Rock, arm around his wife, his daughter saved, is gazing over the wreckage of the world and Garry murmurs … “Now, we rebuild.”

Beat. Beat. Beat. Pause.

And THEN The Rock says: “Now, we rebuild.”

Garry collapsed into laughter. The last time he laughed that much was when Trevor Noah had Ben Carson on the show and Trevor did a better Ben Carson than Ben Carson. Garry was still howling while the credits rolled.

A perfect ending.

san-andreas-fault-with-dwayne-the-rock-johnson-000

We’d seen the world end. We’d see the best, the bravest. The worst. We’d seen the most depraved cowardice imaginable and in HD wide-screen.

But now, we rebuild. We have to rebuild … because … SAN ANDREAS 2 is coming! As the headline says, this will finally allow The Rock (who no longer calls himself “the Rock”, so you have to call him Dwayne) to punch an earthquake.

No cowardice allowed!

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Categories: Cinematography, Humor, Movie Review, Movies

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43 replies

  1. tomcurley1
    08/08/2018 • 16:57

    Funny funny movie. Moral of the movie. When the. World ends make friends with Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He’s actually a very good comedic actor. He’s funny as hell in the remake of Jumanji.

    Like

    • Marilyn Armstrong
      08/08/2018 • 17:34

      I thought it was a hoot. I think most people take these movies much too seriously. I just don’t know if a guy you have to call “Dwayne” can punch out an earthquake. Dwayne?

      Like

  2. Covert Novelist
    08/08/2018 • 12:50

    Definitely sounds like a good time was had by all. Great Garry was laughing and enjoying. It’s always hilarious, coming up with the punch line before it’s said. Love that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. swo8
    08/08/2018 • 11:58

    Obviously drivel sells very well.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jcalberta
    08/08/2018 • 11:19

    Hmmm … I can honestly say that I have NEVER watched a disaster movie. And if you think that’s easy just consider how often they’re on TV.
    Some pretty good actors have actually Starred in some of these …. things. Like Newman, McQueen, Hackman … others.

    This is where I rethink my desire to be a Movie Critic. You are obligated to watch some of this stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Garry Armstrong
      08/08/2018 • 13:36

      I confess to liking those all star, disaster movies. “The Towering Inferno” is one of my favorites. Great to see Newman and McQueen in the same scenes, doing their schtick. Both guys were doing “bits of business”, I think it was a draw.

      I always wanted to see an all star disaster flick with Gable, Cooper, Cagney and Bogart. Above the title billing would be awesome.
      And- also starring Orson Welles as “Orson”.

      Like

      • jcalberta
        08/09/2018 • 04:17

        HAA. Yeah, they didn’t make those blockbuster disaster flicks in Boggies day.
        I was watching Prince of Foxes recently with Tyrone Power and Orson Welles. Welles was just brilliant. It was mesmerizing watching him. He just overshadowed everybody in that movie. I wish he had done more work.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Marilyn Armstrong
          08/09/2018 • 12:05

          He was, I understand, really difficult to work with. He was one of the directors who demanded everything, worked very slowly, reshot every scene dozens — hundreds — of times until eventually, no studio would hire him. And then, he also got HUGELY fat. As in enormous. He continued to do a lot of vocal work. He performed narration for many films right up until he died, but he stopped performing. Between his uncompromising attitude and his girth, he was impossible. He (so to speak) shot himself in his own feet.

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        • Garry Armstrong
          08/10/2018 • 12:56

          Agree about “Prince of Foxes”. Power was a better actor than generally acknowleged. Welles was prime ham. Ham — but good .

          My favorite Welles film? “The Third Man”. He wasn’t the star. Director Carol Reed was the star along with the director of photography and that haunting zither music. One of the best film finales ever. One long shot.

          Like

          • jcalberta
            08/10/2018 • 14:54

            Thanks Garry ! My film education of pathetic. I know about this film of course. Regarded as Classic by many. I’m certain I’ve seen it, but it was a long time ago. Time for a re-watch.

            Like

    • Marilyn Armstrong
      08/08/2018 • 13:42

      As long as you think of them as a comedy that doesn’t know how funny it is, it can be really amusing. But if you think of it as serious, you’re doomed.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Taswegian1957
    08/08/2018 • 06:56

    If they keep going with the sequels the whole world will be destroyed by earthquakes, tsunami’s, volcanoes and whatever other natural disaster that can be squeezed in and I guess the hero and family will escape in a spacecraft, probably built for the president, to another planet where they will rebuild mankind.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Willow
    08/08/2018 • 00:30

    There will always be a sequel, it’s just human nature.

    Liked by 1 person