OK, this is becoming a series. I’ve been having a problem coming up with posts lately because every time I want to write a post about what’s going on in the news I realize I already wrote about it a year ago. Or two years ago. It happened again today.
It documents how the staff literally took documents off his desk so he wouldn’t sign them and do things like START WORLD WAR III!!!!
When they did, the prez forgot they had been on his desk at all. Basically, if they could distract him for five minutes, he’d forget what he was talking about or doing. What does this have to do with me?
I wrote a JOKE BLOG about this over a year ago!!! Here it is.
M.A.D, MADMEN, AND THE FIVE MINUTE RULE
By Tom Curley
The talk this week is that our “So-called President” is insane has ramped up to 11 out of 10.
It’s all anyone in the news can talk about. The biggest worry, of course, is that this nut-job has access to the nuclear codes and could start a war in under five minutes. During the cold war, the US and Russia and China operated under the idea of M.A.D., aka “Mutually Assured Destruction.”
Nobody considered what would happen if an actual Madman was President.
Everybody says nobody can stop him. That’s not quite true.
During the Nixon administration, towards the end, with Nixon drinking a lot and freaking out over Watergate, the Chief of Staff quietly put out an order. If the President ordered a nuclear strike or for that matter, any military strike check with him or the Secretary of Defense first. It was illegal, but they did it anyway.
They were right.
Maybe the current Chief of Staff (right now, it’s John Kelly, but hell, that could change next week) might be doing the same thing. We don’t know.
But I have a couple of other ideas that might also work, a couple of options to get around the “I’m bored and in a bad mood. Let’s start a nuclear war” scenario.
In order to start a nuclear war, he has to get the nuclear codes. They are in a briefcase called “The Nuclear Football”. An aide, whose sole job is to carry “The Football” around, has to bring it to him.
Here’s how it would go.
SCROTUS: I’m in a bad mood! I want to start a nuclear war! Bring me the nuclear football.
AIDE: Here you go, sir.
SCROTUS: Hey, it’s locked!
AIDE: Yes sir. You have to unlock it.
SCROTUS: I do? What’s the combination?
AIDE: I don’t know sir. You were supposed to reset it when you took office. President Obama was supposed to tell you that when he left office.
SCROTUS: I knew it! This is Obama’s fault!
AIDE: Well I guess we can’t start a nuclear war today sir.
SCROTUS: No wait! Try 123!
AIDE: Nope, doesn’t work.
AIDE: Uhh …. Nope.
Now the reason that his can work is because of “The Five Minute Rule.” He only has an attention span of about five minutes. After that, he gets bored or forgets what he was talking about and moves on to something else. Usually watching Fox News.
Five minutes later.
SCROTUS: I’m bored. What were we talking about?
AIDE: We were talking about how much “Fox and Friends” loves you, sir.
SCROTUS: Yea! Let’s watch TV!
When he wants to start a nuclear war, we bring him an actual football.
SCROTUS: I’m bored! Let’s start a nuclear war! I want to bomb Rosie O’Donnell! Bring me the nuclear football!
AIDE: Here you go, sir.
SCROTUS: What’s this?
AIDE: It’s “The Nuclear Football” sir.
SCROTUS: It is? It looks like a real football.
AIDE: It is a real football, sir. Just nuclear.
SCROTUS: How do I use it?
AIDE: You just go outside and shout out the name of the country or person you want to bomb and then you just throw that football as hard as you can.
SCROTUS: It’s that easy?
SCROTUS goes outside, yells “Fuck Rosie O’Donnell and throws the football. A secret service agent catches it and runs away shouting “Rosie O’Donnell sucks!” and returns the football to the Chief of Staff’s office and puts it in the bin with all the other footballs — and the actual combination to the real “football.”
By now, about five minutes has gone by and the aide turns on Fox News.
Crazy you say? I agree. But when you’re dealing with crazy, you have to think crazy.