I spent Christmas day watching various traditional Christmas movies. I’ve seen them all a zillion times, but I did anyway. I think it’s the law.
Well, part of it. I mean, I’ve seen it a zillion times.
Like all remakes of A Christmas Carol, Bill Murray is a mean miser of a boss who gets shown his past present and future by three ghosts and shown his good side and is redeemed and becomes a good person. God bless us, every one.
So, after immersing myself in movies where there is peace on Earth, goodwill towards men and a kid can get a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock (even though you could shoot your eye out), I turned on MSNBC.
Back in the real world, the government was shut down because Fox News told the Toddler-in-Chief to do so. Two children had died in the custody of the Immigration Department. And the poor President of the United States tweeted he had to cancel his two-week vacation in Florida and was stuck all alone on Christmas Eve in the White House.
Then I got to thinking, a President alone on Christmas Eve (not counting his now unpaid Secret Service detail) is Scrooge on steroids. If anybody needed to be visited by three ghosts, it’s this dick. But then I got to wondering how that would turn out.
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: (Really dead looking and bound in chains and the Watergate tapes) Donald Trump!
TRUMP: AHHH! Who are you?
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: I am the ghost of Richard Nixon!
TRUMP: Really? You don’t look like him. You look like shit.
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: Well, of course, I look like shit. I’m dead you asshole.
TRUMP: You should try some of my daughter Ivanka’s spa treatments. It’ll take years off your face. I can get you a discount.
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: Really? I’d love to get rid of the bags under my eyes… wait, what am I doing? I’m here to tell you that if you keep leading the life you’ve been leading you are going to end up like me.
TRUMP: What? An ugly ghost with really bad bags under my eyes Not going to happen. I have dermatologists. The best dermatologists.
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: What? No! You’ll be doomed to wander the Earth, bound by the chains you created in life.
TRUMP: Will they be the best chains? I know a lot about chains. I know more about chains than anybody in the world.
GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: Jesus Christ, Tillerson was right, you are a fucking moron. Look, here’s the deal. Tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts.
TRUMP: Will they be the best ghosts?
The ghost disappears, and Trump goes to the bathroom and sends a series of tweets blaming Obama and the Democrats for, well, everything. He leaves the bathroom to find the ghost of Christmas Past, who looks a lot like Howard Stern.
TRUMP: Howard Stern! How’d you get in here?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: I am not Howard Stern! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.
TRUMP: Really? Are you sure? You really look like Howard Stern. Babba Boey!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: I’m not fucking Howard Stern! I’m here to show you your past.
TRUMP: Why? My past was great.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: No, it wasn’t
TRUMP: Yes, it was.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: No, it wasn’t.
TRUMP: Was too.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Are you kidding me? You bankrupt four casinos in Atlantic City for Christ’s sake. You were a billion dollars in debt and used that to not pay any taxes for over ten years! You’ve been laundering money for the Russians since 2001! You stiff your contractors and your lawyers. You’ve been sued over 3000 times!
TRUMP: Fake news. Never happened.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: What? No, of course, it did. It’s on record.
TRUMP: No, it isn’t.
At this point, the Ghost of Christmas Past dissolves in a cloud of disgust and Trump goes back to the bathroom to write more rage tweets that contain the words “No Collusion” and “Witch Hunt!” When he comes out, he is confronted by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who looks a lot like Rachel Maddow.
TRUMP: Rachel Maddow?! How’d you get in here?? You’re fake news! I never watch you! I watched your show last night! You’re very unfair! NO COLLUSION!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: I am not Rachel Maddow. I am the Ghost of Christmas Present!
TRUMP: You’re bringing me a present? Great! I’d like a gold toilet for the Lincoln bedroom.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: No, I’m not the Ghost of Christmas Presents. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present!
TRUMP: What’s the difference?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: What’s the difference?? I’m here to show you how bad your present is! You’ve shut down the government over a stupid wall that will never be built. You’re forcing people to work for no pay. You are separating babies from their parents at the borders and you’re under 17 different investigations over all the crimes you’ve committed.
TRUMP: No, I’m not. If I was, nothing I’ve done is against the law. And even if it was against the law, it’s Obama’s fault. Fake news!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: Nixon and the Ghost of Christmas Past warned me about this. I didn’t believe them. Nobody can be this much of an asshole. I’m gone.
The Ghost disappears in a puff of disbelief and disgust and Trump (you guessed it) goes back to the john to retweet a video exposing the faces of Seal Team Five. When he returns to his bedroom he is confronted with the final ghost. The ghost of Christmas future. Who looks just like Steve Bannon.
TRUMP: Steve! I thought I fired you! Wait, I get it, you’re like one of them ghosts right? You just look like Steve Bannon.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: No, I’m Steve Bannon. I just moonlight as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Been doing it for years.
TRUMP: Is that why you always looked like death warmed over?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: No, I’ve always look like this.
TRUMP: So why are you here?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: You know, the usual. If you don’t change your ways, you will end up penniless and alone. Your life will have been a waste, and no one will remember you. Blah blah blah.
At this point, they both break up laughing.
TRUMP: Yeah, like that’s going to happen.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Hey, I had to try, or I don’t get paid.
The Ghost disappears is a cloud of dust and rancid bourbon and Trump goes to bed. He wakes up Christmas morning and opens his bedroom window and sees a boy.
TRUMP: Boy! Who are you? What is your name?
BOY: It’s Eric. I’m your son.
TRUMP: What day is it?
ERIC: It’s Christmas.
TRUMP: It’s Christmas! So, it’s not too late!
Trump goes down to the Oval Office and signs an executive order canceling pay raises for all Federal Employees.
So, there you have it. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men, and God Bless us every one.
But only if you’re white of course.