FOWC with Fandango — Idiosyncrasy

I am the proud owner of a body which does its own thing Although I knew the word “idiosyncrasy,” until I got into understanding “doctor-speak,” I didn’t really understand the word.

When a doctor says you have an “idiopathic neuropathy” in your left foot, it means your left foot doesn’t work the way it should and he/she has no idea why. Anything idiopathic in medical language is the equivalent of the doctor shrugging his or her shoulders.

Over the years of my life, many things have been officially idiopathic or, as I prefer to put it, idiotic.

Reflexes that stop working. Sensations that disappear (aka “idiopathic neuropathy”) and later reappear. Idiopathic dizziness, idiopathic raising/lowering creatinine, changing levels of red blood cells, iron deficiency, electrolytes that vanish, then reappear … and the list goes on.

None of these things have ever been diagnosed. All of them eventually went away without medical intervention. Frequently, my hardest act to pull off is not letting them give me medication that is going to give me a whole new set of problems I didn’t have before.

It’s not that I don’t think we all need regular checkups. We do.

But our bodies do stuff. On the whole, a lot of it doesn’t mean anything important. Our bodies adjust themselves, pushing this level up and another down and when it sorts itself out, it settles down. We have become so used to reading stats that when anything seems out of line, this doctor or another feels he or she should DO something about it.

First, they have to figure out what to do and that always involves a lot of expensive testing. After which the result is usually nothing. Sometimes you hear, “You’re getting older” — as if I didn’t know that. My personal favorite: “You should probably drink more liquids.” Thank you for reminding me.

My favorite line yesterday was the nurse who asked me why the electronic blood pressure machine doesn’t work on me. How in the world would I know? Ask the machine or its manufacturer. Read the manual.

Or forget the machine. Take a standard, manual blood pressure reading, the kind every nursing student learns during their first five minutes in training.

EKG setup

It’s why I often wonder why do a dozen tests so they can then tell you it was “a massive yet idiosyncratic drop-off of blood sodium levels” that should have killed you. “It’s amazing you could even stand up.”

Not only did it not kill me, but if they hadn’t called and told me something was terribly wrong, I’d never have noticed anything. It did, as it turns out, finally explain those cramps in my legs and feet.

Electrolyte insufficiency. If I drink Gatorade or any of the dozens of other electrolytes drinks, my legs and feet don’t cramp. After years of pain and agony, the answer was “sports drinks.” I don’t have to take any expensive and likely to kill me medicine, either. Amazing.

Meanwhile, I learned yesterday I still do NOT have cancer (again). My anemia is gone. Let’s hear it for those little, dissoluble iron pills. All my levels are NORMAL, especially for someone who had two kinds of cancer nine years ago, and major heart surgery 4-1/2 years ago.

I’m in fabulous condition — except for the broken spine. the hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy, and the dysfunctional gastrointestinal thingamabob. Also, whatever was making my left eye cease seeing has gone away so I can probably skip the expensive tests they were going to run.

Glass on glass

I probably didn’t have a stroke. Maybe I just need tinted glasses. I absolutely need new eyeglasses because I can’t see very well at any distance except really close up. Maybe I can get the hospital to pay for them instead of $10,000 worth of tests they were going to run.

Just call me idiopathic