I originally wrote this on election day 2017. It reminded me of a post I wrote a while back that sadly is still as current as it was back then. And it will be current next year too. And the year after that.
I don’t know about anybody else but I usually spend at least five minutes every day deleting the junk email from my account.
I’ve had an AOL account from literally when they first started. I briefly worked for them and got the account for free. Yes you had to pay for an email account back in those dark early days.
I have other email accounts, but I like this one. I’ve had it for over 20 years. I know that if you have an AOL email account millennials think it’s funny and it means you’re old. And do you know what I say to that? Fuck you, you little bastards. I was using email before you were even a gleam in your father’s eye. (And get off my lawn!)
Most of my junk mail is from political organizations like the DNC, Move.on.org, People for the American way, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama’s cousin, etc. I’m sure the Republicans do the same thing. Blessedly, I don’t get those emails.
The ones I do get are incredibly annoying. They are always at def-con five. Or is it Def-con one? Whichever is worse, these are them. The world is always coming to an end.
Here are the real subject lines from three of these emails:
KISS ALL HOPE GOODBYE!
WE FELL SHORT!
THAT’S IT! IT’S OVER! TIME TO PACK UP AND GO!
The body of the emails will tell you that the Republicans have won everything. It’s over. We are all doomed. Everything we hold dear is gone.
DEAD!! NO HOPE!!
But when you get to the bottom of the email it says:
“However, if you could just chip in 3 dollars,
we could fix all this and the world would be fine again.”
Excuse me?? THREE DOLLARS??
You just had me freaking out about the end of all that I love and hold dear — and you could fix it for THREE FRIGGING DOLLARS!!!?
For God’s sake, take up an office pool! Dig up lost change in the break room sofa.
All I’m saying is, tone it down, guys.
God, I wish spam filters actually worked.