“SAN ANDREAS FAULT” ALL THE AWFUL IN ONE MOVIE! – Marilyn Armstrong

Fandango’s Friday Flashback — December 7


Last night, tired of the endless depressing, appalling, horrible news, Garry played a movie he had previously recorded.

San Andreas Fault is not merely a disaster film. It is every disaster film you have ever seen in one film. It’s earthquakes that will turn Kansas into the Pacific beach capital of the nation. It’s crashing buildings, towering infernos, the hugest OMG tsunami. We get to see the bravest heroes and most craven cowardice.

It’s all there.

The crashing bridge

Every cliché from every disaster movie made in this and the previous century includes a lot of movies.  Worse, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen all of them, but we’d never seen this one before.

I think it was originally filmed in 3D. Everyone said it was drivel, but it made more than $300,000 million at the box office, so clearly drivel sells well.

Crashing cruise ship

It certainly sold well at our house. When the intended second husband of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson‘s wife (Carla Gugino)  played by Ian Gruffudd (aka “The Asshole”) abandons Rock’s daughter to her fate, trapped under fallen cement in a parking garage, it’s no less than you expect from the cowardly CEO of a major corporation.

Hollywood crashing

We know they are cowards because … well …that’s what they always do in the movies, right? Have you ever seen a brave, manly CEO stand up to anyone or anything outside a boardroom? Especially when they are trying to marry the hero’s ex-wife who we all know should be with the hero.

Even though The Hero can’t utter a coherent sentence (and probably hasn’t since he came back from The War (insert name of war here), he’s a hero (with medals to prove it) and would never run, not even when a million tons of water and a complete cruise ship is about to fall on his head.

The Rock watching everything crash

Finally, the family reconnects. The entire west coast is smoldering ruins covered by about half the Pacific Ocean. There isn’t a bridge, a building … nothing. Total, absolute devastation everywhere.

Garry is giggling to himself.  Because he knows. I know. We both know. It’s coming.

The Rock, arm around his wife, his daughter saved, is gazing over the wreckage of the world and Garry murmurs … “Now, we rebuild.”

Beat. Beat. Beat. Pause.

And THEN The Rock says: “Now, we rebuild.”

Garry collapsed into laughter. The last time he laughed that much was when Trevor Noah had Ben Carson on the show and Trevor did a better Ben Carson than Ben Carson. Garry was still howling while the credits rolled.

A perfect ending.

san-andreas-fault-with-dwayne-the-rock-johnson-000

We’d seen the world end. We’d see the best, the bravest. The worst. We’d seen the most depraved cowardice imaginable and in HD wide-screen.

But now, we rebuild. We have to rebuild … because … SAN ANDREAS 2 is coming! As the headline says, this will finally allow The Rock (who no longer calls himself “the Rock”, so you have to call him Dwayne) to punch an earthquake.


This is everything that we fear will result from climate change, but it all happens in one movie. I need to see this again. Especially how they rebuild a world that has been totally wiped out.




Categories: Cinematography, Humor, Marilyn Armstrong, Movie Review, Movies

Tags: , , , , , , ,

14 replies

  1. I really hate these stupid movies.

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  2. The sad thing about that movie is that I don’t think they intended it to be funny. Of course, they would never do a story about the rebuilding. It wouldn’t be dramatic enough for them.

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  3. I’d be a little disturbed, but not shocked to find that people this far West would watch that thing without gaining some PTSD (PRE traumatic though)…about it. Because since I was a small child, I’ve been warned about the “Big One” which refers to the humongous, society ending earthquake that will originate – you guessed it – with the San Andreas fault going sideways (or shifting in more scientific terms) and taking the Wasatch Fault (the one I sit on – literally) with it. We’ve been told that the coast will be Denver though, not Kansas or the mid-west. I can’t watch such films as this because of the terror it engenders. And cheesy acting? I can see that for free..

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    • It’s also funny. “The Rock” — aka Dwayne Johnson — is pretty humorous and it’s SO over the top I don’t think anyone could take it seriously. But I never wanted to move west. Between the fault line, fires, mud-slides, drought, and weird people, I decided suffering from our terrible weather would be bad enough. And more and more people keep MOVING there, which frankly, I don’t get at all. It’s one thing to watch the movie which was funny and silly, but living on top of a major fault line? I don’t think so!

      Like

  4. Dwayne? Come on “The Rock” can’t be Dwayne. But then again that may be why no one called him “Dwayne” when he was a top tier wrestler.., it just wasn’t safe.

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    • He really INSISTS on Dwayne, too. He says he isn’t the Rock anymore. He is very funny, too. The movie is hilarious, probably because it is so completely insanely over-the-top. It was the falling cruise ship that finished me off.

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  5. And if you live within view of the Golden Gate Bridge it’s even scarier! Someone has tried to count of how many times the GGB has been destroyed in movies and lost. That was an awful, I agree 😎

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    • I left work in California (I came and wen for about a year) the day BEFORE the biggish one that dropped — not the Golden Gate, but the one that connects Berkeley and Oakland with SF. If I’d stayed ONE more day (I was supposed to, but I caught the flu), I’d have been one of those people under the collapsed bridge.

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      • Let’s hear it for the flu. A lot of lives were saved because people went home early to watch the Bay World Series..
        My husband had just got off the freeway that collapsed. Reality is Scary enough for me.

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  6. That had me laughing – I asked Cyberspouse if he had seen it and yes he had seen it on TV – probably when I was passing by saying ‘What rubbish are you watching NOW?!’ But there’s nothing like a good bit of escapism.

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  7. That will be quite the rebuild….

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    • There was nothing left. Everything on the west coast was gone. Every building, bridge, hospital, coastline. i am not terrified of earthquakes because I don’t live on a faultline, but I did in Jerusalem. BIG faultline that runs down through the middle-east into Africa. There were a lot of collapsed palaces — from earthquakes in the past. I tried not to think about it and we never had one while I lived there. But we could have.

      Liked by 1 person

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