If the Corona Virus makes inroads at or near pandemic level, we cannot fully anticipate how it will change our day to day habits. especially regarding healthcare. John H. Corcoran, Jr., makes a rare foray into serious journalism and reports on the shocking findings of Dr. Skippy Gzitzman, DDS. They may save your life.
Dentistry: No Longer as Simple as Pulling Teeth
by John H. Corcoran, Jr.
There are several critical aspects of the Corona Virus (aka COVID-19) that will change the way health treatment is applied. As a public service, here is one way to help you prepare for changes and to eliminate that worry-free weekend you’d been so looking forward to. Today, we’ll talk about your teeth. I just talked about mine with my dentist, Dr. Skippy Gzitzman.
Dr. Skippy says if COVID-19 becomes a Pandemic either countrywide or in your neighborhood, you will have a quandary when and if that aching Bicuspid turns into absolute agony and must be pulled.
The current “best advice” for people to avoid transmitting Corona Virus to others is to sneeze into your own sleeve, fart into your own shorts, and never touch your lips with your own fingers or someone else’s toes. The problem for the practitioners of the Dental Arts is that dentists and hygienists don’t have a choice. They have long been required to not only touch their patient’s lips, but essentially dunk their digits in your abundant mouth slobber.
Dr. Skippy explained how he will now be able to extract a tooth while all but eliminating his own chance of infection. “My office is on the fifth floor. I’ve just rented a suite of offices on the tenth floor, directly above it. Upon arrival at the building, a voice-message will direct the patient to the tenth floor. There an intern will affix an extraction device to the bad tooth and push the patient out the window.
“The anchoring pulley removes the tooth—no muss, no fuss—completing the extraction procedure as it passes by five floors below. If you survive the fall, you then pay for services and we send you on your merry way.”
“Wouldn’t a ten-story fall with tooth extraction be painful?”
“Probably. But we’ll keep our windows shut during the procedure so it’s hard to hear the screaming.”
“What about fillings?”
“Three words. Remote-controlled blasting caps.”
“Still it sounds very dangerous for the intern who comes in contact with the patient.”
“Not a problem. Interns are easily replaced.”
“Any other potential complication for the patient?”
“Only if the extraction wire wraps around their neck. We’ve had a couple of full and partial decapitations, but we sell the videos to reduce costs for you, our valued customer. I’ve seen them. Excellent production values and editing. The head popping off looks like a blood-filled Piñata nailed right on the button.”
“And where are you during all this, Doctor?”
“Drinking Brandy Alexander’s on the veranda,” he said. “Now then, let’s get you into X-ray.”
Copyright 2020 – John H.Corcoran, Jr.
John “Cork” Corcoran Jr.