Back in 1967, before they went disco, the Australian group the Bee Gees released their first American single, “New York Mining Disaster 1941.” Inspired by a devastating landslide at a mine in South Wales a year earlier, the song told the story from the viewpoint of trapped miners hoping to be rescued.

It occurred to me that the song, with a few changes, could be updated to fit our current situation. So with love and apologies to the Brothers Gibb, I give you “New York Stock Exchange Disaster 2020.”

Covid-19’s killing the economy.
And I heard somebody saying on TV
That there’s no point in saving sick old folks like me.

Would you give your life for Dow Jones?
My stock portfolio just took a nosedive.
So we’re asking Grandma to consider suicide
For Dow Jones.

Well, my 401K isn’t doing great.
And I’ve been stuck inside this house for…