A THANK YOU NOTE TO AMERICA FROM THE CORONA VIRUS – BY TOM CURLEY

Hi America. This is the coronavirus. I’m writing you this letter to say thank you for all you have done for me.  I know I’m just a microscopic organism, literally the simplest life form on Earth.

I’m just a single strand of RNA enclosed in a protein sheath. Whatever the hell that is. But even so, you all have seemed to have gone way out of your way to make sure I survive. I and my billions and billions of copies want you to know we really appreciate it.

You may not know it, but it’s not easy being a pathogen. We have a hard time doing what we have to do, which is to make more copies of ourselves. Sadly, the only way we can do this is by finding our way into a “host.” Usually it’s an animal, like a bat or a rat. We’re also popular with certain insects, like fleas and mosquitoes.

But every so often we get to live in you humans. When we get inside you we burrow into one of your cells that is particularly tasty and we replace that cell’s DNA with our own. Then we make the cell stop doing what it was supposed to do and instead start making hundreds and hundreds of copies of us!  Pretty cool, right?

Then those hundreds and hundreds of copies invade other cells and before you know it, there’s millions of us inside you!

The only problem is, we tend to kill all the cells we invade. After a while we run out of host cells.

That sucks.

On top of that, all you hosts have an “immune system.” It’s a bunch of asshole cells that attack us and kill us.

Fuck you T-cells!

Fortunately, a lot of you are old or sick and your immune cells either can’t do a very good job, or they are busy attacking other cells, like cancer cells.

Sadly, no matter how good or bad your immune systems are, you either force us out, or you die. That sucks for all of us.

So, in order for me and my billions of buds to survive,  we need to find new homes.  New “hosts.” And for us pathogens, that can be a problem. Most of us can only survive for short periods of time outside our “hosts.” Some of us can survive in water and you can drink us. Some of us can live in fleas and mosquitoes. If they bite you, we get a new home! Let’s go Team Fleas and Mosquitoes!

But the best way we get to find new homes is when you find “hosts , breathe us out and new “hosts” breathe us in. That’s the way we get around.

I don’t want to brag, but right now I’m the envy of all my fellow pathogens. Yeah, that’s right, we talk.  Ebola, Smallpox, the Bubonic Plague, the Spanish Flu, Pink Eye.  We’re all still around.

They all had great runs. But right now, it’s my time to shine.

And they’re all jealous.

I can’t blame them. I got it just right, for a pathogen. I don’t kill most people I infect. Like Ebola. I mean, yeah, Ebola is a serious badass.  But when you burn through all your “hosts” really fast, before you know it, you got no place to live. Bad ass, but stupid. I, on the other hand, only kill about 20% of the “hosts” that I live in.

The bad “side effects” of my living in you don’t even show up for at least two weeks. That means I get to live in more and more and more and more of you before you even realize I’m living in more and more and more of you!

The only thing that fucks up my traveling to newer and better “hosts” is when you all start doing things like wearing masks and staying far enough from each other that I can’t get into your nose or eyes. You do that, and one moment I’m spreading like crazy and the next moment I’m homeless.

Fuck that!

The other thing you do is “quarantine “hosts” who have me! Not fair!

And that brings me to why I’m writing you this thank you note. An amazing number of you are refusing to do anything to stop me from finding newer and newer homes! Around the world most of you are a bunch of dicks doing every thing to make me go away . But not in something called “America.” You guys are awesome! You started out as real dicks, but then you realized how much that was hurting me and you stopped.  You were wearing masks and staying away from each other. Until you weren’t!

Irony is on speed dial

All of a sudden you went back to going to weddings and funerals and churches and bars and clubs! You sit real close to each other and you sing and scream and shout and sneeze and cough! AWESOME!

That’s exactly what I need! I’ve heard that about 19,000 of you are all going to pack yourselves into an enclosed space to hear one of you tell the rest of you that I’m just a hoax and I’m just going to go away!

I love you guys!!

So, that’s basically it. Thank you America. It’s hard being a global pathogen but you have all really gone the extra mile to help me out.

USA!

USA!

PS: I know a lot of my “hosts” are wondering how I can be writing this blog. Or how I even know what a blog is. My answer is

How the hell should I know??!! I’m a fucking virus!

43 thoughts on “A THANK YOU NOTE TO AMERICA FROM THE CORONA VIRUS – BY TOM CURLEY

  1. I figure it’s at least partly my responsibility to do what I can to keep spirits up a little and remind people that we come from a past and we have a future. Whether it’s a good one or the end of the world, we have something to say about it and it would nice if we didn’t forget it all before November!

    Like

  2. Pretty easy…if you are worried about catching CV19, stay home. If not, go about living life in a smart/safe way. If upwards of 80% of confirmed cases are nursing homes and similar, focus on that segment of the population to keep them safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll approve this one since it makes sense and you obviously read the blog, but please identify yourself. I don’t like approving “anonymous” comments. You don’t even have to use you real name — just a name. Thanks.

      Like

    • The warm weather is bringing out the dumb and dumber in droves. No masks, no gloves, nuthin’.

      They gather at the beaches to worship the sun, using lots of “Banana Boat Oil–The Donzo Supreme version”

      They swim in the waters, no longer afraid of “Bruce” and the other great whites.

      I still hear that ominous “Jaws” theme. This time, it isn’t about sharks.

      Pancho, great stuff!

      Liked by 1 person

      • How about those “Lion Mane jellyfish” that are five or six feet WIDE and have 300 foot long tentacles? Good I’m done with beaches. Between the big sharks and the giant jellyfish, that’s not water for humanity. maybe Earth sent them to keep us home?

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Unfortunately, the people who need to read this are probably not seeing it. I don’t think it’s stupidity…or only stupidity. I think it’s a combination of arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Because people keep doing things to ensure that the virus lives, I’m not sure we’ll get a second wave because the first wave will go on and on!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. AWESOME post! Written in just the perfect way that maybe, just maybe, it will get through to the stupid among us.

    PS: I so wanted to re-blog this on my own site, but the “Re-blog” button didn’t work. Just so you know. (Also, if this comment appears more than once, it’s because the “Comment” section also didn’t seem to be working for me, so I did it at least twice.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • The reblog button is back (again). There are a lot of outages all over the country, especially on the east and west coasts. So you need to reload if things aren’t working. I’ll delete the extra comment. That happens to me, too, even when i’m working on m OWN blog. I think too many people are home, using their computers and the servers just can’t keep up. It’s worse for telephones, especially since many people work off their phones when they are reading (and sometimes, writing). But it’s not you — or me. It’s the companies that never imagined this many people would be needing their services in such a hurry.

      Liked by 1 person

    • We are in freefall. Sadly, given that we are usually pretty stupid, this level of stupidity has nothing on previous levels of stupidity. What it DOES mean is that we don’t seem to have learned anything during the past 2000 or so years. That’s depressing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’d say we’ve learned a few things.
        You don’t tug on Superman’s cape.
        You don’t spit into the wind.
        You don’t pull the mask of the ol’ Lone Ranger
        And you don’t mess around with Jim.
        That’s about it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • So let’s hear it for the wordpress game. try to figure out which of my replies were meant for which comments? I’m already lost. Who writes this shitty software?
          A virus?

          Liked by 2 people

          • They have the WORST software and they keep improving it by making it more and more abstruse (don’t you love that word?) — and of course, never asking users what they want. They keep making anything that was simple more complicated. If last version, it was ONE click, by the next iteration, it’ll take three clicks and you photos won’t insert.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I know, right? I’m not able to comment as much as I used to. I’m having difficulty with finding the reply button. It used to be simpler, reply here. That doesn’t mean I’m not visiting all of your posts, you Marilyn and Garry.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I think it’s the isolation. it’s very had to do comedy without an audience. Bill Maher is going off the rails. I almost cant’ watch him anymore. You can’t do stand up at home. Or to friends. You have to be on stage with an audience reacting. Sort of fascinating Actually.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Pancho, I am sure you are right. You know about stand up.

                I spotted from the first week of the “at home” shows, you could almost see Colbert “sweat”. I don’tr envy his task. That’s so very hard to do without audience feedback.

                He seemed so relaxed and easy the other night when he had his wife on to do the Father’s day card schtick. She really relaxed him. She’s a cutie, she is.

                The worm has turned on the late night folks who use politics as their main top. They are heroes, for sure.
                Can you imagine Jack Parr trying to handle this stuff?

                Liked by 1 person

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