All TV crime shows start the same way. A couple, or some kids, are doing something normal like walking in the park when they come upon a gruesome murder. The woman or girl screams, the man or boy usually throws up. The opening title plays and the good guys come back after a commercial for a reverse mortgage or some drug, and the good guys go work solving the crime.
I was recently one of those low paid extras. I was walking downstairs the other day, and this is what I found at the base of the steps.
In that I’m not a female I didn’t scream. I didn’t throw up either. I did let out a loud burp though. What can I tell you, sometimes I get gassy.
I called the Easton Police to report the murder of a dog toy. They hung up on me. I then reasoned that since the murder victim was a dog toy, I needed to call the Veterinary Police. It turns out there is no such thing. I realized the only thing left was to call in famous TV detective Sgt. Joe Friday from the TV show Dragnet.
It turns out he was in Easton. He was visiting relatives in March and got stuck here in quarantine due to Covid-19. He agreed to take the case. I’ll let Sgt. Friday take over from here.
The following story is true. The names haven’t been changed to protect the innocent. It takes too much time.
(Hum the Dragnet theme)
SGT. FRIDAY: My name is Friday. I carry a badge. My partner is Bill Gannon. I was working robbery homicide in Easton Ct. There’s not a lot of homicide or robbery in Easton, but this day was different. I’ve seen a lot of murders in my time, but this one was bad. Really bad. I needed to call in a crime scene investigator. Mr. Curley, the one who called in the crime, told me the Easton Police would just hang up on me but he could do it himself. I asked if he had any training in crime scene investigation. He said he didn’t, but he’s watched every episode of CSI, CSI Miami and CSI New York. I gave him the go ahead.
Actually, he did a pretty good job. Now that I had the crime scene laid out, I needed to bring in my partner, Bill Gannon. Bill was still in L.A. also under quarantine so I contacted him using a Zoom call.
SGT. FRIDAY: Bill, it’s Friday. Can you hear me?
BILL GANNON: …
SGT. FRIDAY: Bill, can you hear me? I can see you. I can’t hear you.
BILL GANNON: …
SGT. FRIDAY: I can see you waving. Your mike is on mute.
BILL GANNON: …
SGT. FRIDAY: Your mike is muted. You have to unmute it.
BILL GANNON: …
SGT. FRIDAY: It’s a little icon that looks like a microphone. It’s in the lower left-hand side of your computer. You have to click on it.
BILL GANNON: Joe? Joe? Can you hear me?
SGT. FRIDAY: Yes. I hear you. But I can’t see you anymore. You turned your camera off.
I soon realized I was on my own with this one. I started interviewing members of the household. I began with Ellin Curley.
SGT. FRIDAY: Do you have any idea who might have wanted to harm this dog toy?
ELLIN: Probably our dog, Remy.
SGT. FRIDAY: And why would you think that?
ELLIN: She does that all the time.
SGT. FRIDAY: That’s speculation. I need the facts ma’am. Just the facts.
ELLIN: You need to make a fax? There’s a fax machine in the den. It also makes copies and can scan if you need it.
SGT. FRIDAY: Not fax ma’am. Facts.
ELLIN: I don’t understand. You don’t need to make a fax?
I realized this interview was going nowhere, so I talked to the other dog in the house, Lexi.
SGT. FRIDAY: Do you have any idea who might have done this?
LEXI: (translated from dog talk) Remy! She does this all the time! She’s ruined all my toys!!
SGT. FRIDAY: The interview was cut short when the doorbell rang and she ran off in a barking frenzy. I had already interviewed Mr. Curley so the only thing left to do was stake out the crime scene. It’s not unusual for the criminal to return to the scene of the crime. Sure enough, the suspect, Remy, did return to the scene of the crime.
I observed her attempting to tamper with the evidence.
As I moved in to arrest her, she tried to flee the crime scene.
After a brief chase around kitchen and family room, I apprehended the suspect. Case closed.
Remy the dog was convicted of murder of an innocent dog toy. She was sentenced to life living in the Curley household. She will have access to a large fenced in back yard and will not be allowed to leave.
Unless she wants to go for a walk, needs to go to the vet or we go down to our boat. She will also be subject to any number of hugs and kisses at the discretion of the Curleys. The moral of the story? Crime doesn’t pay. Or does it?