I have to renew my driver’s license. I don’t need the new Federal version because we aren’t going anywhere and in theory, you can get a “standard” license that won’t let you get on an airplane after May 2023, but that’s a long time off. I doubt I’m every getting on another airplane. If I can’t drive there, we ain’t going.
But they won’t let you not get it because no matter how many times you click “standard license” it jumps back to Federal license. I called the number they sent. No one answered. I was on hold for hours. At 5pm, I gave up. No one was home at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.
I figured I’d better get my paperwork in order. Except we can’t find our birth certificates and our passports expired four years ago. Well, so it goes. I don’t want or need the Federal “REAL” driver’s license (Note: That’s what they call the license — the REAL license) but they are making me get it anyway.
THEY ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!
Since I am trapped by paperwork, I figured I’d order a birth certificate because no one will believe I was born without one. Better make that two — one for me, one for Garry.
It turns out — if you were born in New York city — the only person who can order a birth certificate is the individual who’s certificate it is — or his mother or father. His parents are long gone and Garry’s exactly a whiz at computers. I will have to pretend to be Garry. Which isn’t difficult online — and order one. If only the actual individual can order his or her own birth certificate (or his long deceased parents), what happens if he dies? His parents are gone and I’m not his mother or father — so what then?
I figured okay, I’ll order mine and we’ll deal with Garry’s later. But I must have filled in a box wrong because they wanted more identification. I answered their stupid ID questions — but I must have answered another one wrong, probably the one about Worcester. I think they meant the city of Worcester, but we live in Worcester County, so I said “yes,” but I I should have said no. They obviously don’t know Worcester the city is in Worcester the county. They don’t live around here.
So the obscure ID questions were not enough either. More documents? What documents? Oh, okay. They want proof of citizenship which would be great if I were a naturalized citizen, but I was born here and they don’t give you naturalization paper unless your were naturalized. Alternatively, they will accept a utility bill. All my utility bills are electronic. They don’t accept electronic copies of electronic bills.
I’m beginning to drool and gibber.
The birth certificate replacement company won’t send it because I don’t have the right ID and I can’t get the ID because I don’t have the birth certificate. Duh.
All of this is so I can get a license I neither need nor want. If I die, Garry will need my birth certificate and probably our marriage certificate which is also missing. I better order everything because they won’t let him get it, especially if I’m dead.
Am I allowed to die if I don’t have the right ID? Does death require identification papers?
Meanwhile, back at medical insurance, Blue Cross wants us to pay them. It’s just for this month. From March onward, it will be deducted from Social Security. I can’t pay them until I set up web IDs for both of us and I have to wait until I get the paperwork from BlueCross with our ID and account numbers. Lord of mercy.
Who says a computer isn’t a necessity? Who says wi-fi is a luxury? I defy you to survive without both.
I think I have spent more time on hold this month than I have writing posts for this blog. I’m losing my shit. Isn’t this the kind of stuff they do to you to make you a crazed assassin? If not, why not?