The joy and perils of vortexes and wormholes
Time travel is the ultimate addiction. When I discovered the window in my bedroom had turned into a wormhole, I was thrilled, though a bit worried. Venturing out of current time and space can be unhinging. There are already a few too many unhingeables in this world. Do I want to become another? Nonetheless, it was irresistable.
It began like any other day. Wondering if it might rain again — we got a five minute rain yesterday — and if my worry would in some way improve our likelihood of more rain. Suddenly, there was a whirling in the blinds. As a science fiction time travel devotee, I immediately recognized it.
It was sentient. It knew everything. All I had to do was focus my mind on when, where and how long I wanted to be wherever I was going and voilà! The vortex took care of the rest. It was not only the most thrilling transportation, but also the world’s best travel agent. And inexpensive — no fuel required and the seat is always big enough.
There are some dangers, of course. You shouldn’t go through a vortex with your brain muddled. You can end up very peculiar places. Don’t drink and time travel! Also, you don’t have to jump or climb into the vortex. All you have to do is stand as close as you can and reach into it mentally. Cool, right?
If you are one of the lucky ones who’ve had a vortex appear for you, I’d like to offer some practical advice.
- Don’t drink or take any mind-altering stuff before you travel elsewhen.
- Avoid the 14th century. It’s depressing.
- Get vaccinations for defunct diseases. Talk to your doctor.
- If you have a really cool doctor, let him or her in on the secret. Some can be bribed with an excursion of their own. It’s a good bet you’ll need medical support at some point, so why not start out ahead?
- Wear comfortable clothing, especially shoes. Layer. Seasons can be unpredictable. A smallpiece of luggage in a natural fiber bag is a good investment.
- Take a camera, extra memory cards and backup batteries. You won’t to be recharging anything while you’re away.
- Leave the cell phone home. A ringing cell at the wrong moment can produce unfortunate results.
- If you are in a committed relationship, tell your partner what’s happening. Nothing upsets a relationship more than seeing you disappear then reappear seemingly out of nowhere. Consider taking your other half with you.
- Try to land in an open area. Arriving mid-air or within a wall, rock or tree can be a permanent landing.
- Be clear in your mind so the vortex can read you. Whenever you are going, do some research. History can help improve your visualization skills.
- Try not to lose yourself in time. If you overdo it, you can forget who you, your children, friends, and family were. Most of us want to go home eventually. If you don’t want to come back, enjoy! This century sucks anyway.
- Don’t blab to everyone. You want to keep the press out of this. Far out.
- The future is scarier than the past. Spend time in known history before you venture forward. You’ll be glad you did.
- Vortexes don’t last forever. Make the most of your opportunity while it’s available.
Welcome to TIMING OUT of life! It’s the best ride you’ll ever take.