THE TIMELINE – Marilyn Armstrong

Finally, last night, I figured out that I’ve got between 10 and 12 years to live. It would be great if it were longer, but that’s pretty much what I’ve got and I want to live them well.

The math isn’t complicated. Hopefully, I’m finished with cancer. As much of my gastrointestinal tract has been removed as can be removed. My spine is completely calcified and most of the time, I can barely move.

The valves and Pacemaker they put into my heart are stamped and dated. They have time limits and the clock is ticking.

I’ve got two replaced heart valves: the mitral and the aortic.. Both are made from animal parts (valves?) and have an average life of 15-years. I’ve had them for nearly five years. They can last a little longer — sometimes as much as 17 years or as few as 12. Four down, let’s say ten to go?

Then there is the Pacemaker. The battery runs out in about 10 years, at which point they will want to open me up, remove the old pacemaker and replace it with a new one with a new battery. I think maybe since they have made major improvements in Pacemaker technology since they put this one in me four-years-ago, I could have this one replaced with one of the newer ones. Better batteries. And not metal.

That way, I wouldn’t have to wait until my eighties when I doubt I’ll want to go for heart surgery, minor or major.

My post surgery heart pillow; You grab it and hug it when you need to sneeze or cough, it is supposed to make you feel better. It doesn’t.

The valves are a larger problem. I know they are making progress designing replacement heart valves which last longer and work better, but whether they will be ready for me – in this lifetime – remains to be seen. As it stands right now, I have about 10 years. Maybe 12. After that, it’s time to say goodbye.

Unlike most people, there’s an actual clock ticking in my chest. Optimism will not make a difference. The timeline was created the day they did the surgery — five years this spring. The best I can do with it is pay forward on the Pacemaker (if they let me) and hope for the best with the valves.

Meanwhile, I am coming off a two-week remission of pain and misery using Prednisone.

I know Prednisone has a lot of side effects, especially for a woman my age with heart issues. Nonetheless, this two weeks using Prednisone has been the best two weeks I’ve had in years. I’ve been able to walk upstairs. Down is harder because it’s a balance issue, but I can walk upstairs. Slowly, but I can do it. I’ve been able to sleep in a comfortable position … which means I’ve been able to sleep.

I can get out of this chair without pushing myself up with my hands. I didn’t have to limp between the kitchen and the bathroom. In short, I have felt like I’m really alive. Now that I’m down to my last four tablets, I have been doing serious thinking about how I want to spend these next ten years.

I probably can’t take a full run of all-the-time Prednisone. That would more than likely wind up ending my life sooner rather than later … but maybe intermittent Prednisone? Like two weeks on, a month or six-weeks off? If I’ve got a limited lifespan, I would like to live it. Enjoy it.

I want to be able to move and not spend most of my life fending pain.

I’ve run out of options. I can’t take any NSAIDs. I am already taking narcotics light and I don’t see heavier doses as a direction I want to take. It doesn’t make the pain go away and it makes me stupid. What’s more, I’m allergic to most of them.

So, following the holidays, it’s time for a long, complicated talk with the doctor.

I can hope science will make a great leap forward that will change my future. Otherwise, I would like to make sure I don’t spend the remainder of my limited time battling pain. And you never know. They might find the miracle I need. It could happen.

Sensible ideas are welcome. I have choices to make and it’s time to make them.