E PLURIBUS UNUM: I’M HELPING SAVE DEMOCRACY $1 AT A TIME – REBLOG – The Shinbone Star

E PLURIBUS UNUM: I’M HELPING SAVE DEMOCRACY $1 AT A TIME

WRITTEN BY GLENN REDUS, MARCH 6, 2019

One thing you notice pretty quickly once you go from neutral observer to bonafide political warrior is that you’ll get e-mail, tons of it, and all with a common theme: Send money!

Don’t get me wrong, I love helping out and love being on a first-name basis with Democratic stalwarts like Nancy Pelosi and John Lewis (hereafter referred to simply as Nancy and John), but c’mon, guys, I’ve got my own bills to pay!

Shouldn’t I get credit for having written more than 90 anti-Trump posts for The Shinbone Star? No bonus points for culling every last Trump-loving friend or family member from my Facebook feed?

I’ve got to hand it to bigwigs down at the DNC because once they sink their teeth into you they act like a dog on a bone. It doesn’t matter if that bone is already bleached whiter than the skeleton of a dead mule in Death Valley. Retiree on a fixed income? Forget about it! If you’ve still got a dollar to your name, send it in!

It’s true, they’re not necessarily asking for much. Hey, if you can’t send $25, then $1 will do. But they want you to keep sending it all the damned time! Remember that inscription on U.S. currency, “E Pluribus Unum?” It means “Out of Many, One,” but to hear the Democrats spin it, that’s gonna be many, many, many ones for the rest of your natural life.

It’s not that I ever had that much money to begin with. Working in the newspaper business for three decades sure won’t make you rich, but it will teach you a thing or two about deadlines. But I’m here to testify, I’ve never seen an outfit with more deadlines than these Democrats. They’ve got monthly deadlines, quarterly deadlines, and special super-duper deadlines. Even their deadlines have deadlines, and by god, every one is critical!

Whether I’m on my phone or on my computer, the e-mail notifications just keep coming.

Ding . . .

Oh, this is for the “special one-term president fund,” and you’re saying that if I don’t pony up right now, Trump might win again in 2020???? Gaaaaa, anything but that! To hell with the heating oil bill, I don’t care if I freeze my ass off, I’m writing a check to the DNC right now!

Sometimes, however, a simple call to duty doesn’t work, so my new DNC friends have adopted other tactics, like fear.

Ding . . .

Holy shit in the foothills! “EARTH-SHATTERING news!”

Please believe me, I’m well aware that Nancy, Deb, and Adam already e-mailed me, but I had to eat! But now, only 24 hours are left before the next deadline and someone at headquarters noticed that my excitement about the brand new Democratic majority wasn’t up to snuff. I guess maybe I wasn’t that hungry. I guess I could have sent them $1. I’m so ashamed!

They know when you’ve been sleeping. They know when you’re awake.

Ding . . .

I swear Nancy’s stalking my ass! She wants her $1 and by god, she’s not taking “no” for an answer. How the hell did she even know that I had deleted her first message before sending another the same day? Shitfire, they’re watching me!

But even guilt won’t work on some people. Sometimes all it takes is a straightforward plea from a true hero of the republic.

Ding . . .

Dang it, John, that just hurts. How can I deny a man like you who has given his blood for the civil rights movement? And all you’re asking for is one measly dollar? OK, man, you win. I’m sending it in right now, but just tell your pals to back off a little, OK? So what if the phone bill is due, I’ll . . .

Ding . . .

Oh crap, here comes Nancy again!

Wait a minute, you’re saying we have to top the GOP’s $44 million war chest and you can’t do it unless I chip in my last dollar? But for chrissakes, I just gave a dollar to John! Can’t I please just write another Shinbone article or maybe piss off another Trumpist relative instead?

Look, I’m not stupid, I know it takes money to run a campaign, but you guys really gotta know when to back off . . .

Ding . . .

Sheeeit! Nancy must have given my e-mail address to Adam!

But holy crap, man, I have been standing up! Haven’t you seen? Don’t you read The Shinbone Star? What more do I have to do??? I know, I know, just send in one more simoleon . . .

Ding . . .

Oh crap, Adam handed off to James, and he’s saying that even after all the money I’ve sent, we’re still SCREWED! And not only that, he’s snarky, pissy and demanding to boot: (Earth to Glen)

Seriously, James, you’re asking did I miss you? Was I concerned you would forget about me?

Well, Earth to James, I sure as hell wish you would forget about me because this much is clear: John, Nancy, Adam, Deb, Beto, Kamala, Barack, Hillary, Alexandria, Kirsten, Elizabeth, Tom, Mikie and a host of others sure as hell won’t forget about me until they have my last thin dime.

Ding . . . 

Final notice??? But I’m already a card-carrying Democrat! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Nope, not falling for it this time!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Read this original post and many other great ones
at The Shinbone Star!

TRUMP IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR NAIVETY

Did you vote? Did you think if you didn’t vote someone would do it for you … like maybe a proxy? You know we don’t do that in this country. No democracy allows proxy voting. You can vote by mail, but you are still the person voting. No proxy. You. Always you. So if you didn’t go to a booth or mail it in, you didn’t vote. No matter how many protests you go to now, it’s too late. You blew it.

Was there anybody with half a brain who did not know the Democratic National Committee was firmly committed to Hillary Clinton long before the DNC convention? Was there anyone shocked by this revelation — especially one being made by someone who was part of the problem in the first place?

If you were shocked, what dark hole were you living in before the election? Did you really believe deals for huge amounts of money to run gigantic, organized electoral campaigns — which go on for years — are made on a wish and a handshake? Seriously?

I’m not saying this because I’m so cynical. This stuff is obvious. Of course they were committed to Clinton. Obviously. Of the candidates to whom they could be committed, I was okay with Hillary. She had earned her shot at it over the years. Hard work and 8 years as first lady and another bunch in the senate. And she is one smart cookie.

How naïve are you? If you are so naïve, maybe it’s time you get it together with reality. The one in which you live. We are never going to like all the stuff that goes on in our world. We will always be making compromises between the ideal — and with what we can live.

I could have lived with Hillary Clinton as president. I am having the devil’s own time surviving Donald Trump. It never crossed my mind for a moment that there weren’t a thousand deals in place to put her up as the candidate. Given the options? I was fine with the choice. I thought she could make a pretty good president. I didn’t think Bernie would accomplish anything much even if elected. An old guy with head full of ideas and ideals — with little or no research behind them. Ideas are great, but the presidency requires more than good ideas.

It requires leverage. Connections. Enough dirt on the people you’ll need to bribe, beg, and bedazzle if you want to accomplish any of your goals. Even had he won, he didn’t then or now have the stuff he would need to lead.

He also didn’t do his homework. The numbers he put up to go with his ideas were about as realistic as Trump’s, which is to say NOT. We liked his ideas better, but that didn’t make them more viable. Bernie had zero chance of turning his concepts into reality.

But hey, what do I know, right?

I actually don’t know how you can survive in a modern environment with so little understanding of how the world works. It boggles my mind.

You know what I do know? I could never be president. Of anything, much less the U.S. Forget about ill-health. I couldn’t make those decisions. I couldn’t survive the oval office. Moreover, I do not know anyone who could do it better than me.

I know people who want power are supposed to be the last ones who should get it … but would it be okay if the people who do get it have the wits to manage it? The intelligence to understand it? The presidency isn’t anything like being mayor of a small town. Being President is a big deal — except we have an incompetent moron as president. He knows nothing. Will never know anything. Doesn’t care that he knows nothing. It’s all about the money and the power. He wanted to be god and we made him one.

Now, we are trying to live with it.

If you still think (a) not voting, (b) voting for some a third-party idiot, or (c) voting for the Orange Moron to express your displeasure with the status quo, was perfectly fine? You’re a moron too.

DOOM, DESTRUCTION AND THE DNC – BY TOM CURLEY

I don’t know about anybody else but I usually spend about five minutes every day deleting the junk email from my account.

I’ve had an AOL account from literally when they first started. I briefly worked for them and got the account for free. Yes you had to pay for an email account back in those dark early days.

 I have other email accounts, but I like this one. I’ve had it for over 20 years. I know that if you have an AOL email account millennials think it’s funny and it means you’re old. Fuck you, you little bastards. I was using email before you were even gleam in your father’s eye.  And get off my lawn!

Most of my junk mail is from political organizations like the DNC, Move.on, People for the American way, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama’s cousin, etc. I’m sure the Republicans do the same thing. Blessedly, I don’t get those emails.

The ones I do get are incredibly annoying. They are always at def-con five. Or is it Def-con one? Whichever is worse, these are them. The world is always coming to an end.

Here are real subject lines from just three.


KISS ALL HOPE GOODBYE!

WE FELL SHORT!

THAT’S IT! IT’S OVER! TIME TO PACK UP AND GO!


The body of the emails will tell you that the Republicans have won. It’s over. We are all doomed. Everything we hold dear is gone.

DEAD!! NO HOPE!!

But when you get to the bottom of the email it says:


“However, it you could just chip in 3 dollars,
we could fix all this and the world would be fine again.”

Excuse me?? THREE DOLLARS??

You just had me freaking out about the end of all that I love and hold dear — and you could fix it for THREE FRIGGING DOLLARS!!!?

For God’s sake, take up an office pool! Dig up lost change  in the break room couch.

Tell me there’s not a few bucks in there.

All I’m saying is, tone it down guys.

God I wish spam filters actually worked.