Family – Serendipity – Seeking Intelligent Life on Earth

MIRROR, MIRROR – Marilyn Armstrong

The Most Beautiful of Them All?

I never — at any point in life — looked in the mirror imagining for a moment that I was the most beautiful of all. All what?

I knew I wasn’t the most beautiful anything. At my best, I was interesting, sometimes eye-catching. Frequently just different. I never looked like everyone else, except maybe all the other members of my family.

I remember going to my uncle’s funeral, looking around and seeing me, me, me, me. Everywhere. Some version of me. My cousins, aunts, parents. Everyone looked a lot or a little like me.

Now, I look in the mirror to see if I pass. Do I look truly hideous or just kind of old and tired?

I don’t look anything like I used to look. My face is a different shape. My hair is different. My eyes have sunk deeper into my skull.

Humans don’t always look the same, you know. We evolve. That’s how it’s possible to look exactly like your father when you are three, but exactly like your mother at 30 … and remarkably like your uncle at 50. It should be obvious if you stop and think about it. If we didn’t keep changing, we would be born with an old, adult face. Which you must admit, would look pretty strange.

I’ve now passed the point of looking like my mother. By the time my mother was my age, she was dying. Which I, apparently, am not. Garry no longer looks like his mother or his father, but some peculiar combination of both, depending on what look he has on his face.

I suppose I don’t know what to make of me anymore. At least other people still recognize me when they see me. That’s something, right?

NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE – Rich Paschall

JJ’s Night Out, by Rich Paschall

Jason was pacing the floor of the living room. He was excited about his date night. They were going to a new nightclub. It had received nice reviews and he thought they could do a lot of dancing and singing. Jason’s mom watched the pacing with a feeling of indifference, while his dad watched in what could best be described as “disgust.”

Soon Jason’s date would arrive. Jeff was a handsome young man who Jason had met at college. Jeff fell immediately for the boy with the constant smile, and it did not take long for Jason to agree to a date. After a short period of dating, they became constant companions. Their friends began referring to them collectively as “JJ” since they always seemed to be together.

When Jeff arrived in his best preppy, all American look, he stopped in briefly to say hello to Jason’s parents and wish them a good evening. Then Jason exclaimed, “Good night, mom,” and gave his mother a hug. It was returned in a half-hearted fashion.

“See you later, dad,” Jason shouted at his father who was standing quite a distance away.

“Yeah,” his father returned with his most annoyed tone. The father’s look was his best effort at contempt. Jason just smiled and the boys set out for a night of fun. They both hoped that someday Jason’s father would accept them as a couple. Whether that happened or not, soon the boys would find an apartment, marry and be on their own. They had their whole lives ahead and could not be too worried about whether they would find complete acceptance. They had each other. That was the main thing.

The two men enjoyed the new nightclub. The music was loud, the drinks were cold and the atmosphere was electric. Around midnight, Jeff leaned over and gave Jason a big kiss. Since he was not prone to such public displays, Jason asked, “What was that for?”

Jeff replied, “Because I love you so much, my prince.” At that Jason’s usual smile became even bigger.

At 4 am the phone rang at Jason’s home. By the time his mother was awakened and realized it was the phone, the ringing stopped. She started to drift off to sleep but 10 minutes later the phone was ringing again. When she got up and got to the phone, it had stopped again. The mother thought Jason forgot his key or was staying with Jeff.

“He really did not have to call about that,” she thought. She waited by the phone another 10 minutes but it did not ring, so she went back to bed.

Just as she was getting up around 7 am the front doorbell rang. She thought, “This must be Jason.” She put on her robe and walked to the door. She opened it to find a uniformed police officer standing there. Behind her was a man in plain clothes, but he was wearing a police badge on his belt.

“Are you Mrs. DeAngelo?” the officer asked.

“Yes.”

“And is Jason DeAngelo your son?”

“Why? What’s wrong? What happened? Tell me, what is it?” she blurted out, trying not to sound hysterical.

“There has been a shooting at a nightclub. I am afraid your son was one of the victim’s. We are sorry for your loss, Mrs. DeAngelo.”
Jason’s mother stood there absolutely frozen to the spot. She had been kicked in the stomach and her breath had been taken away.

“Is it alright if we come in and ask a few questions?” the plainclothes police officer asked.

For a moment Mrs. DeAngelo could not speak. Her eyes began to water and her brain was numb. She was transported through time to a place of unspeakable sadness. It was a place where senses momentarily failed her.

“Would you like us to come back?” the man asked.

“No,” she replied. “Come in.”

Mr. DeAngelo joined them in the living room. He immediately knew what had happened. He stood there silently. His wife answered all the questions.

For the next half hour, the two police officers queried Jason’s mom. Did Jason go to the Club often? Why did he go that night? Was he with anyone? Was he gay? Did they know it was a gay nightclub and so on? Mrs. DeAngelo answered as best she could.

Then they mentioned the name of the shooter which led to a new round of questions. Did she ever hear the name before? Did her son know him? There were other questions too but they all became a blur to Mrs. DeAngelo. After a while, she was not even sure what she was saying.

The uniformed officer concluded by saying the coroner’s office would be processing the dozens of bodies over the next few days and they would be in contact with them. Both told the parents “We are sorry for your loss,” as they were leaving the house.

Mrs. DeAngelo softly closed the door behind them. She grabbed a framed picture of Jason off a table and sat down on the sofa. She stared at the picture as a tear formed in the corner of one eye. She tried to envision Jason’s happy face as a child and his boundless energy. She remembered the time she called him “my little terrier” because it seemed he could run for hours and then come and lay down right by her. She did not move from that spot for a long time.

Mr. DeAngelo recalled the look he gave the boys the night before as they left for the club.

It was the only thing he could remember.

THE ACCUMULATION OF STUFF – RICH PASCHALL

Reducing Clutter, by Rich Paschall

When my grandfather retired and my grandparents moved back to Tennessee from Chicago where they had lived for close to twenty years, they gave away many items they felt they no longer needed. Chief among them was a snow blower. “What if it snows, grandpa?” I asked. He explained that in the unlikely event of snow, it would melt off in a day or two. There was no need for something they may never use again.

When he asked if I would like anything, I said I would take his nightstand if the plan was to leave it behind. It was an inexpensive little piece with a small door on the front to hold just a few items inside. It had a homemade quality and symbolized my grandfather to me. I was probably in early teens. I still have it today. The item could be 100 years old by now.

Their home in small town Tennessee was remarkably uncluttered. They had just what they needed for the next twenty years of their lives. The house was always, neat, clean and orderly and I truly believe that it added to the relaxed and comfortable existence they enjoyed for many years. They never seemed to lack for anything when I would visit. I envy that simple existence now.

When my father retired and moved to Florida with his second wife (not my mom), he too left behind things he could not imagine using again. He had decided to give away his winter outerwear and offered me a nice coat and other items. “What if it gets cold, or you come back to visit in winter, dad?” He pointed out that it never gets that cold in Florida and while he may be back to visit, it would never be in winter.

Aside from taking this winter offering, I desired nothing else. I had his World War II medals and discharge paper. There was nothing else I wanted. I have since passed the World War II memorabilia to my older brother. He has children and may be able to pass them on. By the way, I kept a Good Conduct medal for my “good conduct.” Dad had more than one and I decided not to award my brother with several of these.

Mom was a collector of stuff. I sometimes wondered if this was the result of growing up poor in the Depression. Was the accumulation of items, no matter how little the value, important to someone who had nothing growing up? Were many of us from the Baby Boomer generation collectors because we saw that our parents were?

Mom collected everything from coffee cups to shot glasses, refrigerator magnets to picture frames, swizzle sticks from hotels and restaurants, to match books from the same. There were figurines and candle holders, tea services not to be used, special occasion kitchen ware that may never have seen the special occasion. There were “knickknacks” of all sorts, or what her mother would have simply called “dust catchers.” To me, most of these items did not have enough value to have to dust them every weekend.

After mom had reached her 80’s and could not care for all the stuff, or even recall all the stuff she had, I moved her to an apartment in the same building so we could watch over her a little more closely. That lasted less than a year and she was in a hospital, then a nursing home. I moved to the larger apartment to hold on to the “stuff” in case she recovered well enough to come home. She lived almost 6 years at the home and I not only had a lifetime of my own stuff, I then inherited a mountain of stuff I would never have considered owning. Worse yet, many of the dust collectors I owned were some of the same items I grew up looking at. I can not explain how I did not want these things. For whatever reason, I could not get rid of much of it in the years that followed.

In the past year, however, I decided it was time to start to eliminate many of these things. I had shelves and cabinets overflowing with items that I would never use and in some cases never wanted. What if I have to move? I do not want to have to take a lot of these things. What if I die? Someone will just toss out most of it anyway. Is this “stuff” adding anything to my life? This really is the key question. If I was not going to use it and it did not hold some great personal value, it was time to go.

It is hard to do an assessment of items that have been in your house for decades. You may falsely conclude that they have a sentimental value when all they really enjoy is longevity. Consider cleaning up and not leaving it to others. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your kids, or grandkids, do not want your stuff. Yes, they may desire an item or two, but for the most part your stuff will end up being donated or tossed out, so you might as well do it yourself. Consider how much of your parents or grandparents stuff you wanted? I am not talking about family photos, I am talking about “stuff.”

Last year I tossed out a lot of stuff. I did not want them and could not imagine anyone paying 25 cents for them, so they finally hit the trash. I gave a lot of stuff away to various charities, depending on the type of item. I also listed things on eBay if I thought they had a value. I sell about a half-dozen items a month. At this pace I could sell stuff for the next 25 years and still have a lot of things. When I retire, I will likely increase my eBay offerings or my donations to resale shops, probably both. If anyone wants stuff, I will be happy to oblige.

LIVING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS – BY ELLIN CURLEY

Carrie Fisher was Bi-polar. To her credit, she talked about her condition openly and honestly. She brought attention to the disorder and tried to reduce the stigma associated with this, as well as other, mental illnesses. It’s sad that we need celebrities with diseases to increase public awareness about their given malady. But mental illnesses are inherently hard to diagnose, treat and talk about. So as long as people get educated about them, I guess it doesn’t matter how or why.

I have an unwanted and involuntary expertise in Bi-Polar Disorder. Both my ex-husband and my son had/have the disease (my ex is deceased). Each of them manifested the condition differently – my ex was mostly manic and my son was mostly depressed. One of the most difficult aspects of this disorder is the fact that it can look so different in different people. This makes it much harder to diagnose because there is no one size fits all set of symptoms to identify.

This makes it harder on the families too, who don’t always get the support they need from the medical community. It also makes it easier for the Bi-polar person to deny that they have an identifiable syndrome that requires treatment. This denial is very common in Bi-Polar Disease. Also common is the refusal to stay on medication. These factors just add to the difficulties and pain of the family members.

The families of Bi-polar sufferers feel different from other families. We know that other families’ lives are not fraught with the unpredictability, volatility and often violence (emotional if not physical) that ours are. We seem to be the only ones living on a roller coaster. We feel inferior, ashamed and isolated. Family members, me included, try to ‘cover up’ the problem and cover for the often inappropriate behavior of the bi-polar loved one. I made countless excuses for the actions and absences of my ex. My daughter tried to avoid the issue altogether by going to friends’ houses and never having friends come to ours when Daddy was ‘off’ or ‘acting up’.

When you live with a bi-polar person, you wonder what’s wrong with you that you live like this. You wonder why you aren’t like other people. Your ego and self- esteem suffer. This is particularly devastating for kids. My kids are in their 30’s and are still dealing with these issues. They are moving on from some questionable relationship choices they made in the past because of their lingering psychological demons.

On the other hand, denial and defending are also big parts of life with a B-polar person. While married to my ex, after one of his particularly bad manic episodes, I was advised by psychiatrists to go to a program for abused spouses. I thought that they were crazy. I was in therapy already and I was clearly not in that pathetic category! That label did not apply to me! Of course I didn’t go. I often wonder what would have been different in my life if I had received the support and empowerment I needed at that point in time. I now realize that the whole family needs support and treatment specifically designed to deal with the mentally ill family member. My individual therapy was not enough.

Today, there are claims that too many people are being labeled ADHD or Bi-Polar; that it’s become a psychiatric fad to assign mental illness labels to people and ply them with drugs. To me, it’s better to spread a wide net to catch all the people with serious issues and get them the treatment they need. You’re not going to be misdiagnosed if your behavior is perfectly within the range of normal. Something is going on if a doctor thinks you might be Bi-polar! If it’s not manic depression, then it certainly is something else that needs attention and possibly medication! Sometimes the only way to come up with an effective treatment is by experimenting.

I became very pro-active psychiatrically. My daughter started to have panic attacks at age eleven and I got her on medication immediately. She is grateful to me that she never had to go through the torture of years of horrible anxiety symptoms. She would not have been able to function effectively through school and in jobs without her anxiety meds.

I couldn’t get my ex to stay on meds and get a stable life. But at least I got my daughter on medication early so she had fewer issues getting through life than she would have without my early intervention. At least I have one psychiatric success story to brag about!

CHECKING IN WITH MYSELF – BY ELLIN CURLEY

I haven’t written an introspective blog in a long time. I’ve written about things that have happened in my own life and stories about other members of my family. I’ve written a lot about the political situation in America and the social schisms it has created. I’ve written about my dogs and the weather and what I’ve watched on TV.

But I haven’t checked in with myself recently – and there have been some internal resets. Over the past six months, I’ve had some uncomfortable and inconvenient but not serious medical issues. I forgot how closely one’s mental state shadows one’s physical well-being.

Constant physical issues for months at a time can really take a toll, both mentally and physically. I was chronically exhausted. No energy for anything. That translated to demoralization and withdrawal. Doing anything outside of the house became a big deal.

I started believing that my life was seriously lacking in many ways. I fixated on those deficiencies and my glass suddenly became half empty instead of half full.

When I started feeling better physically, I could step back and see where my body had dragged my mind. I realized I had to turn myself off and then back on again. I had to totally reboot my attitude.

I realized that I am, in fact, fine as I am. My life is fine as it is. Is it what I wanted, ideally at this stage of my life? No. Is it where I imagined I’d be at my age? No. Is that bad rather than just different? No.

I wanted to be a grandmother by my age, with a life revolving to a great extent around my nearby adult child and my grandchildren. Many of my friends are ecstatic and devoted grandparents. But I’m not a grandmother. And the most likely child to give me grandchildren in the future lives in LA, 3000 miles away.

As a retired person, I expected to be part of an active and gratifying social life with my large group of local friends. But people moved away. My remaining best friends still work 60 hour weeks and have limited time to socialize. As a result, Tom and I spend a lot of time alone with each other.

But this doesn’t make my life bad or inferior or deficient. Just different than planned or expected. I can’t compare my life to other people’s lives. I can’t measure my life against my past expectations.

Am I actually happy spending most days at home with my husband and my dogs? Yes! Am I fulfilled reading, writing blogs and working on our Audio Theater Group? Yes! Do I love my wonderful friends spread all around the country plus England and Germany? Yes!

So I wake up happy every morning, looking forward to another quiet but satisfying day. I focus on what I have and who I share it all with. I’m good. I’m lucky. And I’m grateful. I just have to try to keep this positive outlook when my body throws me the next curve.

THE CALL – RICHARD PASCHALL

By Richard Paschall, Sunday Night Blog

Sunday was the day to stay near the telephone, the computer too for that matter. Robert was not about to go anywhere before receiving his phone call. He always stayed where he could hear the phone. The computer was also a possibility for calls but in truth Robert only received one call on it and that was more in the way of a test. His son, Corey, set him up with Skype and then called him when he got home just so they could test it out. That was the only time Corey called him via Skype in the six months since their brief trial run. Now he either called on the landline or not at all.

Robert tried diligently to be a good father to Corey after his divorce from Corey’s mom. Corey was in his mid teens then and the boy seemed to follow the divorce with making his own plans and avoiding family obligations. Robert could never figure out whether this was a teenage thing or a reaction to the divorce, but either way Robert did his best to be a dad whenever Corey needed him. Corey needed him less and less as time went on.

Now that Corey was in his twenties, Robert and Corey had hatched a plan to keep in touch. This was more Robert’s doing, of course. If they did not get together on the weekend, then they would at least share a call on Sunday afternoon. The problem with this plan was Corey rarely called and he preferred that dear old dad not call him as he was usually “busy.” So Robert waited patiently in his small four room apartment for a call that was not likely to come. Perhaps if Robert had been more outspoken, even demanding, maybe Corey would be more dependable. At least that is what Robert thought. But it was not in Robert’s demeanor to be pushy so he waited patiently every Sunday for the call.

In Robert’s own mind he had convinced himself that waiting on Sunday’s was a good thing. It would keep him at home to take care of the often neglected chores. He did the dishes, made the bed, swept the floor, looked at all that junk mail he tossed aside all week, but he never took out the garbage. That would mean leaving the apartment for a few minutes and Robert certainly did not want to do that. What if the phone should ring and he did not hear it?

Finally in late afternoon on this super cold, super Sunday the phone rang. Robert was on it like a shot. “Hello,” Robert announced in his cheeriest voice.

“Robert, it’s Bill. How about we go somewhere to watch the game? You know, wings and beer!”

“Uh, OK,” Robert said reluctantly.

“Good, I can be there in a half an hour.”

“No,” Robert said quickly, “I am in the middle of something. Give me at least an hour.”

“Fine,” Bill replied. “I will be there in about an hour.”

In truth, Robert was not in the middle of anything. He just wanted to leave extra time for Corey to call. He never gave a thought to the possibility that Corey had already gotten together with his friends to watch the big game. He just figured that if he left too soon, he would miss his Sunday call. So he placed his coat, scarf and hat on a chair near the door and sat down to wait for Corey. Robert worried about missing the call and not having enough time to talk. He thought of the most important things he should say if they only had a short time. He thought of nice questions to ask, without prying too much into Corey’s personal life. After all, Corey was all grown up now and he needed to be treated like an adult. At least, that was the thought running through Robert’s head.

When just over an hour had elapsed, the phone finally rang again. “Hello?” Robert said tentatively, fearing it was not Corey but actually Bill again. “It’s Bill. I’m out front. Are you ready?” “That darn Bill,” Robert thought. “He’s always rushing me.”

“Yes,” Robert said. “I will be out in a minute.” “Poor Corey,” Robert mumbled. “If he calls I won’t be here.” Although he felt a little guilty, Robert threw on his outer wear and headed out the door.

When Robert got in Bill’s car, Bill immediately started talking about the game. “This should be a great game this year. The teams seem evenly matched. Whoever has the hot hand will win. It could be either one. What do you think?”

“Yes,” Robert replied. “I think so too.” He obviously was not listening to Robert, his mind was on Corey.

As they drove away, Robert did not hear the phone ring in his apartment. It rang seven times before it went silent. Robert never even knew there was a call as the caller did not leave a message.

A VISIT WITH MY BFF – BY ELLIN CURLEY

My all-time BFF is my daughter, Sarah. I’m unlucky in that she lives in LA, 3000 miles away from me. Yet I’m also lucky because for 3 to 4 weeks every year, we get to live together, like roommates on holiday.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to spend day after day just hanging out with Sarah. Some days, on this trip, we went to visit family and old friends. Some days we went shopping. But most days, we just stayed home and played with the dogs, and each other. I’m so grateful to have such a delightful, caring and compassionate, intelligent, intellectually curious and interesting, funny, responsible and loyal daughter. It gives me great pride to feel that I played a part in creating this amazing person.

The past two visits, Sarah has been on an organizing binge in the attic. She is the family historian and genealogist. On the last visit, she went through bags and boxes of old photos and we organized them into chronological folders. This visit, we went through the family memorabilia that I had saved, from the early 1900’s down to the recent past. We found some awesome treasures.

Sarah’s containers of old photos and memorabilia

We found a telegram congratulating my grandparents on their 1915 wedding! We found postcards from my mom’s 1936 honeymoon when she visited the family remaining in Russia. All of these Russian family members were all killed by the Nazis just a few years later. We found the 1946 Valentine’s card my mom received from her first husband, A.O. – the morning after he died of a massive heart attack. Enclosed in the card was a photo of him, which mom received while his body was still at the funeral home.

We also found letters between my mom and me when I was a teenager and was away from home. One letter from my mom gave me advice about how to deal with some of my fears and anxieties. Sarah was shocked because both the advice and the issues they addressed equally apply to Sarah today. Sarah didn’t realize how similar she is to the youthful version of me. So reading this letter was like getting a heart to heart talk with her grandmother, 16 years after her death. It was very moving for Sarah.

Sarah is also the one who encouraged me to write down all of the family stories that she had grown up hearing. She relishes these stories and actually reminded me of ones that I had forgotten. They have made up the bulk of my blogs for the past year or so. I have taken these 250 pages of personal blogs and arranged them in rough chronological order as a family history. I’m making copies to give to both my children so they have a prose record of their lives and of the familiar anecdotes from their ancestors’ lives.

Folder for my Family History in Blogs that I am making for my family

Even when we’re not working together on family projects, Sarah and I never run out of things to talk about. We talk about politics, history, books, television and movies, mutual acquaintances, hopes and dreams and emotional baggage. We talk a lot about her childhood and about her father, who died in 2005. We understand each other on a deep and unique level that comes from sharing an intimate past. We can support each other in ways that other, non family members can’t. We try to motivate each other by gently pushing the right buttons. We tacitly acknowledge how difficult change, even moving forward, can be.

One of our shared interests is television. In fact, Sarah majored in Film and Television in college. So we watch a lot of TV and movies when we’re together. On this visit, we blitzed through “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and the second season of “The Crown”. We loved them both. Stories about other strong women resonate with us.

As usual, we laughed a lot. We’ve always had fun together, even when Sarah was little. We find each other endlessly amusing. We tend to see things in the same, often quirky way and often express things with a humorous twist. Tom fits perfectly with our humor profile, so we immensely enjoy our time together.

One of my favorite photos of Sarah from a few years ago

This may be unusual for mothers and daughters, but Sarah and I rarely argue – about anything other than ideas and intellectual opinions. There is no tension or undercurrent of negativity. We are genuinely relaxed and comfortable with each other. We have had periods of strain in the past, but never much and not for years.

We are also roughly the same size. So every year, Sarah goes ‘shopping’ in my closet. This time, she found enough clothes to fill the extra duffel bag she brought with her. This is the year I finally gave up on the idea that I’m ever going to wear all those nice dresses that have gone untouched for so long. On a previous visit, Sarah fell in love with my fur-lined Ugg slippers. I didn’t want to part with them, but I did. I bought myself a new pair.

This year I didn’t part with anything I still wanted to wear. So it was a win-win.

The down side of these glorious, intense visits, is they end.

When Sarah leaves after two weeks of 24/7 immersion, it’s like the air is sucked out of my world. It takes me days to readjust to my life without her.

I remind myself that even if Sarah lived nearby, we would rarely, if ever, get to spend this much concentrated time together, uninterrupted by work, family or the rest of life. These two-week periods are a precious gift that supersedes the real world. It adds something special to my life which I cherish with all my heart and soul.

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JJ’s Night Out, by Rich Paschall

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Reducing Clutter, by Rich Paschall

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