DARWIN AWARDS IN DANGER OF BEING CANCELLED DUE TO OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF CANDIDATES – BY TOM CURLEY

We keep getting more comments on this, so I figured and put it back up. Some posts never go out of style!

Seeking Serendipity

4/1/2020  “Darwin Awards in Danger”

“The Darwin Awards are in danger of being canceled this year due to the unprecedented number of applicants and a severe lack of Darwin Award trophies. ‘In any normal year we might have a few hundred nominations, but this year it’s quickly moving into the thousands. Maybe soon it will be tens of thousands,’ said the president of the Darwin Awards Committee.

If you don’t know already, the Darwin Awards are given to those special people who lose their lives by doing something unbelievably stupid, thereby weeding out unbelievably stupid people from the gene pool. Past winners have included

A hunter who shot an Elk on a ledge directly above him. The Elk died and fell on the hunter, killing him instantly.

A poacher in Africa who shot a Rhinoceros, whereupon he was trampled to death by an elephant and then was eaten by a…

View original post 690 more words

BOOK OF JOB, THE SEQUEL – BY TOM CURLEY

God and the Devil got together recently. They do that more often than you think. Usually at least once every millennia. They play cards, catch up on all the celestial gossip and have a few beers. More often than not, they get into an argument about something and end up resolving it with a bet. That’s exactly what happened at their last get together, after more than a few beers.

DEVIL: Hey God, remember that guy Job?

GOD: You mean the guy that invented those computers and iPhones?

DEVIL: No! That’s Steve Jobs. I’m talking about Job. That old guy we made a bet about, oh, a couple thousand years ago. He was a member of your cult.

GOD: (Thinking) Job, Job. Oh yeah! I remember him. Jewish guy. Really loved me. And just because people worship me doesn’t mean they’re in a cult. I mean, I’m God for Christ’s sake!

DEVIL:  Potato, patato. Whatever. Do you remember the bet?

GOD: Of course I do. I remember everything. I’m GOD!

DEVIL: Really? Where are your glasses?

GOD: They’re right here. No, wait. Damn it, there here somewhere. Don’t change the subject. What about the bet?

DEVIL: I bet you that I could get Job to denounce you and you said I could do any horrible thing to him to do it.

GOD: (chuckling) Yeah I remember. Man you really fucked that guy up.

DEVIL: I gave it my best shot.

GOD: But I still won the bet. He worshiped me, no matter what.

DEVIL: I think it was more he was scared shitless of you and was afraid to say anything bad. But that’s neither here nor there. Want to double down on the bet?

GOD: What? Let you torture Job again? How are you going to do that? He’s been dead for a few thousand years.

DEVIL: No, not Job. I want to flip the bet. I’ve got my own Job. Actually I’ve got about 50 million Jobs. They’re called “Trump supporters.” They worship the current president of the United States. They’ll do anything he tells them. No matter how much it may hurt them or anybody else. They call themselves MAGAts.

GOD: They worship him? They can’t do that! You’re only supposed to worship me!

DEVIL: You always have to make it about yourself.

GOD: Whatever. So, you want to torture them?

DEVIL: No. I want YOU to torture them. Specifically I want you to get them to renounce Trump. If you can get them  to do that, you win. You can do anything you want to them. You have carte blanche. So, you taking the bet?

GOD: Oh hell yes. This is a sucker bet.

DEVIL: We’ll see.

So, over the next few months, God did everything he could think of to make Trump’s “base” denounce him. He brought a great plague that engulfed the world, but was much worse in America.

He made sure that everything Trump did would make the plague worse. He made sure they would lose their jobs because of the plague. He made sure everything Trump did to bring the economy back would make it far worse. No matter what he did, the “base” would not forsake him.

God and Devil got back together again a few days ago.

DEVIL: It’s been a few months now. How’s the bet going?

GOD: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??

DEVIL: Told ya.

GOD: I mean, I brought down a fucking plague on those assholes! They’re dropping like flies. I’ve make Trump say the most ridiculous crazy shit imaginable!  I got him to say that people should drink bleach and shove a light bulb up their ass for Christ’s sake!

DEVIL: That was one of my favorites.

GOD: I got him to retweet a batshit crazy doctor who says demons have sex with you in your sleep.

DEVIL: Uh, that’s one’s actually true. I try to keep it on the down low.

GOD: I’ve ruined their lives! Taken their jobs! They could prevent themselves from getting the plague by simply wearing a fucking mask!

Irony is either dead or on speed dial

DEVIL: That’s because the god they worship told them not to.

GOD: I think it’s time for another great flood!

DEVIL: Oh no you don’t!! Remember Noah and the covenant? The whole rainbow thing? You promised never to do that again.

GOD: Shit. I forgot about that.

DEVIL: You said you remember everything. Did you ever find your glasses?

GOD: Fuck you. You know, I never should have worked that sixth day. I should have taken the whole weekend off.

DEVIL: I tried to tell you. So, you give up? Do I win the bet?

GOD: (sighing) Yeah, you win. What was the bet for again?

DEVIL: Same as the last time. Loser buys the beer.

GOD: Fair enough.

At this point God waves his hand and hundreds of kegs of beer appear.

DEVIL: You’re such a fucking show off. Mmm, good beer though. So, same time next millennia?

GOD: You’re on. So, demons having sex in your sleep? Really? That’s fucked up.

💫💫💫

The end?

THERE’S GOTTA BE A PONY IN THERE SOMEWHERE – BY TOM CURLEY

There’s an old joke about a psychiatrist who was trying to see if he could change an optimist into a pessimist and a pessimist into an optimist. He took two children, one very optimistic and one very pessimistic. He put the pessimistic child in a room filled with every toy and game imaginable.

He put the optimistic child in dimly lit room filled with horseshit.

The pessimistic child did nothing but complain. This toy didn’t work, that toy is the wrong color, these games all suck, and so on. Meanwhile the optimistic child was smiling and diving into the horseshit, digging and laughing, totally joyful. The psychiatrist couldn’t understand what was going on, so he asked the child why he was so happy. The child responded “Are you kidding? With all this horseshit, there’s gotta be a pony in here somewhere!” The joke has other variations, but you end up at the same punchline.

This joke came to mind the other day when I read a really odd article. The Remington Company, the one who makes guns are 950 million dollars in debt and are about to declare bankruptcy.

The Smith and Wesson company, the country’s largest gun maker has seen their sales drop over 70% in the last year.

Why? The article says it’s because of the “Trump Slump.” Now that  all three branches of government are in the hands of Republicans who really, really love guns and anything “gunny” (is that a word? If not, I just made it up. Trademark!), all the gun nuts have stopped buying guns.

Turns out the major driver of gun sales in America are Democrats. That and a mass shooting. It’s the irrational fear “the government is coming to take all our guns!!” which causes the gun nuts to buy more guns. As I am writing this, I’m watching Trump’s secret police protesters in Oregon while he threatens to send his “army” to subdue any city in any state he doesn’t like.  Maybe that will make gun sales go up. He’s got his base convinced that America is out to get them.

All this got me to thinking of other actual good things our Comb-Over-In-Chief has done. Not on purpose. He’s never done anything good intentionally. He’s enraged women to the point were millions of them protested on his first day in office.

He’s been a major force behind the “Me-Too” movement and the “Time’s Up” movement.

Polls show Republican women, especially college-educated white women, are turning against Trump in droves.  He’s brought domestic abuse into the public spotlight by defending the abusers! He’s reminded the country that being a pedophile is bad by defending a pedophile!

He’s energized a Democratic progressive grass-roots movement which has resulted in dozens of local and state seats going from red to blue. He has mobilized young people to not only get out and vote, but to also run for office — all around the country.

Sadly, the vast majority of the shit this shithead has done far outweighs the positive things he’s inadvertently done. He’s still a clear and present danger to the security of the United States and the world. For all the horrible things he’s done, we all now know that he will do things that will be even horribler (is that word? If not, trademark!). The Oval Office is currently filled with horseshit and an amazing amount of bullshit.


He has abandoned us to death and quarantine for … ever? We’ve got an election coming up. I sure hope you all are voting!



But hey, maybe we’ll find a few more ponies out there.

DARWIN AWARDS CANCELLED — TOO MANY CANDIDATES – BY TOM CURLEY


“The Darwin Awards are in danger of being canceled this year due to the unprecedented number of applicants and a severe lack of Darwin Award trophies. ‘In any normal year we might have a few hundred nominations, but this year it’s quickly moving into the thousands. Maybe soon it will be tens of thousands,’ said the president of the Darwin Awards Committee.

If you don’t know already, the Darwin Awards are given to those special people who lose their lives by doing something unbelievably stupid, thereby weeding out unbelievably stupid people from the gene pool. Past winners have included

A hunter who shot an Elk on a ledge directly above him. The Elk died and fell on the hunter, killing him instantly.

A poacher in Africa who shot a Rhinoceros, whereupon he was trampled to death by an elephant and then was eaten by a lion.

A man who attached a jet rocket booster to his car. He fired it off and instantly reached a speed of over 300 miles an hour. Until he hit a small bump in the road which launched his car into the air. He was found by police smashed into a cliff, 300 feet above the ground.

A man who found the fuse in his car that lit the dashboard lights had blown. He didn’t have a replacement fuse. But he noticed the fuse was the same size as a 22-caliber bullet. He, of course, had one of those, so he used it to replace the blown fuse. The bullet heated up, fired and shot his nuts off.

(Editor’s note: All of these are true)

The problem now, according to the President of the Darwin Awards is that we are in unprecedented territory. Hundreds of thousands of nominees spent Spring Break flooding Florida beaches and bars and clubs even though states like New York were experiencing more and more deaths at an exponential rate.

Those people have already gone home to places all over the country and are spreading the disease at an incredible rate. Hundreds of thousands of people jammed into the French Quarter in New Orleans to celebrate Mardi Gras. Then they left to go back to their homes all across the nation.

Pastors at a megachurch in Florida and pastors in other states have held giant church services where hundreds of people show up even though they have been ordered to stay home. The pastors in some cases have been arrested. In response, they say they are going to continue the practice with even bigger services.

People are holding Coronavirus parties. Right-wing militias are holding and planning large rallies because ‘nobody can tell us what to do! And this is all a hoax!”

“I mean, this is a level of stupidity that we have never seen in the history of the awards,’” said the Darwin Award President.

“‘Do we give each person an award? Or just the Governor of Florida who refused to close the state down? Or the Governor of Mississippi who overrode local mayors who told their towns to lock down and practice social distancing? Normally we give the award to people who died from being that stupid. But what about all the people who died because these incredibly stupid people infected them?”

The other problem is a severe shortage of Darwin Award trophies.

According to the Darwin  Award President

‘We just don’t have enough trophies. We have a stockpile of a few hundred. But we’re going to need thousands. Maybe hundreds of thousands. Where are we going to get them? I’ve personally reached out to President Trump about this. His response was that he has done a great job sending out trophies. The best job in the history of trophies. If there is a shortage of trophies maybe those trophies are “going out the back door”.  He said we should investigate that. State governors are now competing with each other over the ever-dwindling stockpile of trophies.

According to the Darwin Award President. ‘We are beginning to notice a pattern of distribution from the White House. The red states seem to be getting all their requests for trophies within days. But the blue states are getting few to none at all. Of course, this could be simply because the demand in the red states is exponentially higher than in the blue states.’

The biggest problem, according to the Darwin Award President is ‘We haven’t reached the peak of stupidity. The next few weeks are going to see an unbelievable uptick in the number of stupid things being done by stupid people that is going to get themselves killed.’

But one thing we do know. No matter how bad it gets. And even if he doesn’t die from being arguably the stupidest president in the history of Presidents, an honorary Darwin Award of the Century will go to the person who truly deserves it.”

In the non-political arena, a photographer was nearly crushed to death trying to take pictures of an ice bridge in the mountains — in 100 degree temperatures. Sadly, he did not leave the gene pool, but as a photographer, sometimes you just have to know that this particular photo is not worth it. Ah, art.

Donald J. Trump.

And look how well that has gone?

Party on, assholes.

P.S This isn’t an actual news report but it certainly could be. 

MAR-A-LAGO: MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH – BY TOM CURLEY

You might think by now that we would be emerging from the COVID-19 disaster. But we aren’t. In fact, more than half of our states are in worse shape now than they were a couple of months ago. Florida had more new cases today than any other state has ever had … or any other country has had. We haven’t hit the second rebound stage. We have yet to get out of the initial first stage. Meanwhile, Trump is INSISTING — and threatening to withold education funding for states that don’t do as he says even though he has not right to withhold that money from any state — that every child has to be in school this fall. I think his little one Barron should be sent to a public school. I bet that would change his mind.

I’ve been thinking about this blog for about a week now. It was going to be a very clever (well in my mind at least) parody of Edgar Alan Poe’s The Masque of the Red Death.

It was going to be about an imaginary land called “Merika”. That wasn’t its original name, but the Prince who ruled over it and his followers could never pronounce it quite right. So, they just changed it.

The Prince’s name was Prospero. He wasn’t actually a prince even though he thought he was a king. And his name wasn’t Prospero. He had changed his original name to Prosperous because he constantly told his subjects he was a great and wealthy businessman. He never could spell it correctly in his royal tweets, so, everybody just started calling him that. Why? Because you could never say the Prince did anything wrong. Ever. Ever. Ever.

So, of course, as in the book, a great plague overtook the land. In just a few short weeks millions were infected and thousands were dying. So, what did the Prince do? He said it was a hoax. Everything was fine. If it was real, it would only affect people who didn’t like him. He called them “The Never Prosperos”.

He asked his minister of Health, a very wise old doctor who had dealt with many plagues in the past, what he should do. Then he did the exact opposite. As the plague got worse, he gathered all his rich friends and he retreated to his beautiful luxury vacation palace. It was called Mar-A-Lago. The problem was that it wasn’t really that beautiful or that luxurious.

In fact, it was sort of a dump. It had garish fake gold decorations everywhere. The Prince even had a gold toilet. But nobody ever said anything. No one could ever give the Prince bad news. Ever.

To prove how great everything was for him and his followers he threw a great masquerade party at the vacation palace. His wife decorated all the rooms in different colors. But only one color for each room. Just like she did in the main palace during the Christmas holidays.

They were really sort of creepy and weird. But nobody said anything because the Prince said they were great. The greatest rooms in the history of rooms. Ever.

Every hour on the hour a band would play “Hail to the Prince.”  Very loudly and very badly. This was because the palace band had all come down with the plague and were dead. The only band the Prince could find was a band called “Three Doors Down”. They had never played the song before, so they did what all bad bands do. If you can’t play it well,  play it loud. When they did all the guests would cover their ears and grimace. For some reason, people don’t like Three Doors Down.  When the last guest arrived, the Prince had the doors to the Palace locked and sealed so nobody who had the plague could get in. The only problem was the last guest wasn’t wearing a mask. He was wearing a red hat that said: “Make Merika Great Again.” He wore it because it was sold by the Prince’s company and the Prince wanted all his followers to wear one.

The original hats were made in China, where the plague originated and it was on all the red hats. So, the plague made it into the palace and no one, not even the Prince could escape it because he had sealed all the doors.

 The End


All and all, I thought it was pretty clever. Then reality said, “Too late, already done!”  Our actual wanna-be King had a real party down in Mar-A-Lago where he invited all his sycophant followers like Lindsey Graham and the Ambassador from Brazil and they all laughed at the Democrats’ response to the Covid 19 virus.

They hugged and shook hands and all told the King what a great job he was doing. The only problem was the Ambassador and a few other folks there already had the virus.

Graham has dropped off the planet because he is in self-quarantine. Matt Gaetz, a congressman whose head is so far up Trump’s ass he can see Sean Hannity wore a gas mask to a House vote on an emergency bill to help fight the virus.

He wanted to show what a joke the whole thing was. That was until he found out he was exposed to the virus a week earlier at the CPAC convention. He had to sit all alone on Air Force One on the trip home and now he is in self-quarantine.

You just can’t make this shit up.

We’re at the beginning of an unimaginable catastrophe and we’re being forced to listen to a bunch of ass clowns hold press briefings each day where all they do is tell us how the King is doing a great job and everything is just fine.  Except for Doctor Anthony Fauci, the only sane voice in the room. I’m stunned he hasn’t been fired yet.

This is as serious as a heart attack. Stay safe. Wash your hands. Stay home if possible. Don’t shake hands. Practice social distancing.

And for Christ’s sake STOP BUYING TOILET PAPER!! I know our government is full of shit. But that’s not going to help.

Not really the end … 

A THANK YOU NOTE TO AMERICA FROM THE CORONA VIRUS – BY TOM CURLEY

Hi America. This is the coronavirus. I’m writing you this letter to say thank you for all you have done for me.  I know I’m just a microscopic organism, literally the simplest life form on Earth.

I’m just a single strand of RNA enclosed in a protein sheath. Whatever the hell that is. But even so, you all have seemed to have gone way out of your way to make sure I survive. I and my billions and billions of copies want you to know we really appreciate it.

You may not know it, but it’s not easy being a pathogen. We have a hard time doing what we have to do, which is to make more copies of ourselves. Sadly, the only way we can do this is by finding our way into a “host.” Usually it’s an animal, like a bat or a rat. We’re also popular with certain insects, like fleas and mosquitoes.

But every so often we get to live in you humans. When we get inside you we burrow into one of your cells that is particularly tasty and we replace that cell’s DNA with our own. Then we make the cell stop doing what it was supposed to do and instead start making hundreds and hundreds of copies of us!  Pretty cool, right?

Then those hundreds and hundreds of copies invade other cells and before you know it, there’s millions of us inside you!

The only problem is, we tend to kill all the cells we invade. After a while we run out of host cells.

That sucks.

On top of that, all you hosts have an “immune system.” It’s a bunch of asshole cells that attack us and kill us.

Fuck you T-cells!

Fortunately, a lot of you are old or sick and your immune cells either can’t do a very good job, or they are busy attacking other cells, like cancer cells.

Sadly, no matter how good or bad your immune systems are, you either force us out, or you die. That sucks for all of us.

So, in order for me and my billions of buds to survive,  we need to find new homes.  New “hosts.” And for us pathogens, that can be a problem. Most of us can only survive for short periods of time outside our “hosts.” Some of us can survive in water and you can drink us. Some of us can live in fleas and mosquitoes. If they bite you, we get a new home! Let’s go Team Fleas and Mosquitoes!

But the best way we get to find new homes is when you find “hosts , breathe us out and new “hosts” breathe us in. That’s the way we get around.

I don’t want to brag, but right now I’m the envy of all my fellow pathogens. Yeah, that’s right, we talk.  Ebola, Smallpox, the Bubonic Plague, the Spanish Flu, Pink Eye.  We’re all still around.

They all had great runs. But right now, it’s my time to shine.

And they’re all jealous.

I can’t blame them. I got it just right, for a pathogen. I don’t kill most people I infect. Like Ebola. I mean, yeah, Ebola is a serious badass.  But when you burn through all your “hosts” really fast, before you know it, you got no place to live. Bad ass, but stupid. I, on the other hand, only kill about 20% of the “hosts” that I live in.

The bad “side effects” of my living in you don’t even show up for at least two weeks. That means I get to live in more and more and more and more of you before you even realize I’m living in more and more and more of you!

The only thing that fucks up my traveling to newer and better “hosts” is when you all start doing things like wearing masks and staying far enough from each other that I can’t get into your nose or eyes. You do that, and one moment I’m spreading like crazy and the next moment I’m homeless.

Fuck that!

The other thing you do is “quarantine “hosts” who have me! Not fair!

And that brings me to why I’m writing you this thank you note. An amazing number of you are refusing to do anything to stop me from finding newer and newer homes! Around the world most of you are a bunch of dicks doing every thing to make me go away . But not in something called “America.” You guys are awesome! You started out as real dicks, but then you realized how much that was hurting me and you stopped.  You were wearing masks and staying away from each other. Until you weren’t!

Irony is on speed dial

All of a sudden you went back to going to weddings and funerals and churches and bars and clubs! You sit real close to each other and you sing and scream and shout and sneeze and cough! AWESOME!

That’s exactly what I need! I’ve heard that about 19,000 of you are all going to pack yourselves into an enclosed space to hear one of you tell the rest of you that I’m just a hoax and I’m just going to go away!

I love you guys!!

So, that’s basically it. Thank you America. It’s hard being a global pathogen but you have all really gone the extra mile to help me out.

USA!

USA!

PS: I know a lot of my “hosts” are wondering how I can be writing this blog. Or how I even know what a blog is. My answer is

How the hell should I know??!! I’m a fucking virus!

A SWITCH OF REALITIES – BY TOM CURLEY

Marilyn asked me to dig this one up from the archives. It took me a while to find it. It was written quite a while ago. If I didn’t tell you this you would swear it was brand new. Unless you don’t swear. But really, who doesn’t swear? At least once in a while. There was my Aunt Helen, no wait. She could cuss like sailor …

Sorry, I got distracted.

I think if we suggested this now, everybody would go along with it. Including the idiot-in-chief. It’s the “get out of the White House without going to jail card”  he’s been looking for. The “get out of this insane reality card” we’ve all been waiting for.


I figured it out!

The solution!

To reality!

This reality!

This reality TV reality!


The problem is not so much that we are living in a reality TV reality. The problem is that we’re living in a REALLY BAD reality TV reality. Face it, it’s just not working folks.

youtube.com

Do you know what does work? Fictional TV reality! Think about it. There’s a show on TV today called “Designated Survivor.” In it, the whole U.S. government is blown up during a State of the Union Address.  The Executive Branch, the Congress, the Supreme Court, all gone. The one cabinet member that has to stay home becomes the President. He has to rebuild the entire government from the ground up. And while he’s doing that, there’s a mysterious cabal,  the ones responsible  for blowing everybody up, that’s also trying to take over the country. In spite of all that, their government and their President are doing a hell of a lot better job than ours!

tvguide.com

So here’s what we do.  Let’s just switch realities! It’s a win-win for everybody. How do we do this? Simple.

First: The current administration leaves the government and instead, goes on real TV 24 hours a day. On Fox News. They all go to work on sets that look just like Washington, D.C.  They do the exact same things they do now. It will be just like on  “Big Brother”. Only bigger. And on Fox News.

quickmeme.com

They can pass laws, write executive orders, cancel health insurance for the whole nation, cut taxes for billionaires, eliminate “Meals On Wheels” or just kick puppies. Whatever they want! And here’s the best part. Trump supporters won’t be upset because they only watch Fox News. As far as they’ll be concerned, everything is normal.

It just isn’t real.

“And it’s only on Fox.”

Second: OK, great you say. But what about real reality? Who’s going to be the real President? The real cabinet?

Here’s who. Real honest to God fictional ones.

thegeektwins.com

And the cool part is, we have a lot of options. We have lots of choices for President. We could have Jeb Bartlett. He was a great President. Don’t believe me? Watch “The West Wing.” It’s on Netflix, the whole series, all seven seasons.

theoddessyonline.com

We’ve got Dennis Haysbert. I’m pretty sure he was President twice.

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We’ve got Morgan Freeman. Not only was he President, but he was also God!

knowyourmeme.com

And the list goes on. Michael Douglas, Kevin Kline, Jack Nicholson, Peter Sellers … (Oh, for God’s sake, Google the rest.) You get my point.

Now, appointing a cabinet becomes fun!

Secretary of State? How about Tia Leoni? She’s already Secretary of State and seems to be doing a pretty decent job of it. Every Sunday. Let’s give her the job for the rest of the week.

cbs.com

Attorney General? Julianna Margulies. She’s a lawyer, ran for State’s Attorney and by almost all accounts, is a good wife.

cbs.com

Secretary of Defense? Well I admit, at first, I was leaning toward Schwarzenegger or Stallone. Then it hit me.

CHUCK NORRIS! Think about it. We could cut the military budget down to nothing. Nobody’s going to go to war with us. Nobody fucks with Chuck Norris!

memegenerator.com

ISIS COMMANDER: We will destroy America!

ISIS GUY WATCHING THE NEWS: Sir, America just made Chuck Norris Secretary of Defense.

ISIS COMMANDER:  Shit.


(Insert favorite Chuck Norris joke here. My favorite? Chuck Norris once counted to infinity. Twice.)

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Department of Education? The cast of Sesame Street.

themarysue.com

Depart of Health and Human Services? Pick any of the stern but kindly Chiefs of Staff from the medical show of your choice. Any one of them will do just fine. (Except for Dr. Zorba. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.) (Extra points if you get that reference.)

humansofjudiasm.com

Department of Housing? Chris Rock. OK, he really doesn’t have any more qualifications for the job than Ben Carson does. But I just like the guy. He’s funny.

memegenerator.net

(If you get that reference, you get double extra points.) I could go on, but you get the point.

How do we do this? Simple. We have an election. Not the usual kind. Between voter suppression, low turnouts, gerrymandering, and the Electoral College, our elections are not working out well.  I mean, seriously — that’s how we got into this mess to begin with.

So what do we do? We have an election the same way reality TV shows do it. Everybody gets to vote from their smartphone, their computer, their tablet, or Android device. You can email or text your vote. You are only allowed to vote up to 20 times on any given device. You can vote up until 10 pm Eastern Standard Time. (Text and messaging fees may apply.)

ethnews.com

Granted, this will fire up the Millennials and confuse the hell out of old folks. Maybe it’s unfair, but it’s still better than the Electoral College. We can set up March Madness style brackets and have an election every week for maybe a month until we get a winner. More office pools!

yankeeinexile.wordpress.com

And we, the people, elect everybody. The President doesn’t get to appoint his cabinet. We do.


It’s Democracy at work!

And it could work!


As a cheese-faced person who somehow actually became President of the United States said to a bunch of totally incredulous Black people a while back:

theoddeseyonline

“Give it a try. What have you got to lose?”


AN OPEN LETTER TO HUMANITY FROM PLANET EARTH. AGAIN – BY TOM CURLEY

Hi Humanity.

Earth here.

I just heard that today you are celebrating the 50th anniversary of Earth Day.  You seem to think it’s a pretty big deal.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you noticing me. I’ve been around for about 5-billion years and you just started noticing me, ‘ by my time frame, about a second ago.  Even so, I’ve noticed that you have started to make my surface a little better. And a lot cleaner. In the last few months, the pollution in my air has been dramatically reduced.

Animals and plants are thriving and all my birds seem to me in a much better mood than normal. You didn’t do it on purpose, but hey, it feels great to me. You seem to be getting sick and you all staying home all the time. I could go on, but I’m still binge-watching Tiger King on Netflix.  So I think I’ll just re-send you the letter I wrote to you last year.


Happy Me Day!!


Here’s the original letter:

Hello humanity. Earth here. Planet Earth. You’ve called me by different names like Gaia, Mother Earth, Terra, etc.

It really doesn’t matter what you call me as long as you don’t call me late for dinner. To be honest, I never got that joke. I’m not sure exactly what “dinner” is., but I’ve noticed it’s a popular joke with you folks.

Anyway, I’m writing this open letter because I’ve noticed a lot of you have been concerned with what you call “climate change.”  You seem to be concerned about “saving the planet.”

I’m flattered that so many of you are concerned about me. I mean, the dinosaurs were living on me for almost a billion years and never once did one of them even notice I existed. Now that I think about it, the fact they had brains the size of a walnut might have had something to do with that.

“How do you expect me to remember birthdays? You know my brain is the size of a walnut!”

I digress. Sorry. I do that a lot. I’ve been around for over four and a half billion years. Cut me some slack. Be that as it may, the reason I’m writing this letter to you is though I appreciate your concern about my welfare, you need to know you don’t need to save me.  I’m doing fine.

Earth’s day in court

I’ll continue to do just fine. Like I said, I’ve been around for over four and a half billion years and my surface is constantly changing.  When I started out, I was basically a really hot rock. The only thing I had to do was make volcanoes.

Granted, at first, it was interesting, but I got to tell you, after the first billion years or so, it got a little old. Next, it started raining. It rained for a long time, even by my standards.  All of a sudden almost three-quarters of my surface was covered in water.

That was cool.  I had clouds and snow and much better sunrises and sunsets.

Then the oddest thing happened. I’m not really sure how, but life formed. At first, it was pretty boring. Single-celled organisms that pretty much ate stuff and reproduced.

But then they got bigger and more complex. First small fish, then bigger fish. That was neat. Then a few of them left the water and started walking around on land.  That was weird.

Hey Phil! You got to come up here and see this!

The next time I took a look (you have to realize that your perception of time is different when you’ve been around for billions of years) I was covered in plants and trees and there were insects and dinosaurs everywhere. They were interesting but all they really did was wander around and eat each other.

Get in my belly!

Again, cool at first, but trust me, anything gets boring after the first hundred million years or so. Things were going fine until this big asteroid crashed into me. I gotta tell you, that one hurt. I remember thinking “Oww! That’s going to leave a mark!”

And it did. After that, the climate on my surface changed and all the dinosaurs disappeared.

Then you guys came along. Now realize, that by my standards you’ve only been around for about a year or so. Even so, I’ve been fascinated by watching you. You guys figured out how to use fire.

You invented the wheel. You created civilization. You created beer! Not one dinosaur in over 500 million years ever came close to doing anything like that. You guys did it after being around for only a few hundred thousand years.

Walt Kelley’s first Earth Day poster

I was impressed. Lately, and by lately I mean for maybe the last 40-thousand years give or take a millennium or two, you’ve been inventing all sorts of interesting things. I have to confess, I’ve really gotten into Netflix.

I have noticed that you’ve been changing my surface environment lately.

It’s definitely you folks doing it. It took me hundreds of millions of years to transform hundreds of millions of dead dinosaurs and plant life into coal and oil. You’ve managed to burn most of it and dump trillions of tons of CO2 into my atmosphere in a few minutes by my time frame.

Impressive.

You might want to stop doing that. After the asteroid hit, my surface changed so much that the dinosaurs died out. All of them. It happens. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to have a harder and harder time living on me. Trust me, you’re not the first living things that have come and gone, and you won’t be the last.

I have to admit, I’ll miss you guys. Like I said, I’m really into Netflix and you invented beer!

So basically, what I’m trying to tell you is even if you keep doing what you’re doing, I’m going to be fine. You don’t need to worry about me. You need to worry about you.

Sincerely yours,

According to Terry Pratchett

Earth

ANOTHER OPEN LETTER TO MANKIND FROM PLANET EARTH – BY TOM CURLEY

Hi Mankind. This is Earth again. Some of you call me Earth, some call me Terra, some call me Gaia.  Call me what you want. Just don’t call me late for dinner.  (I still don’t really get that joke, but I got a whole bunch of ‘likes’ when I said it in the last letter I wrote you).

I last wrote you on Earth Day in 2019.  I was touched at how many of you felt you were destroying my environment and maybe you should stop doing that. I pointed out that I’ll be fine. I’ve been around for a few billion years. My environment changes all the time. It’s you guys who should be worried.

I’m writing this time because I noticed that you are all getting sick. Really sick. All over me. Everywhere. This isn’t surprising. It happens more often than you think. You just don’t notice it because you guys have really short life spans and even shorter attention spans. I know a lot of you write stuff down when things happen. You call it “history.”

I’ve also noticed most of you don’t read history. If you do, you can’t remember it.

For my first few billion years, I was pretty much a big ball of hot rocks and volcanos. Then something happened and it rained for a long time, even by my standards.

Then the weirdest thing happened. Life appeared. It was really cool. I enjoyed watching it grow and develop.  Much more interesting than watching a volcano erupt. I mean, it’s still cool, but it does get a little boring after the first few billion years.

I noticed after a while that all the different types of plants and animals developed a system to make an environment that made it easier for them to survive. I think you folks call it “Ecology.” It made sure that if one species grew too much or was eating more than they should, something would slow them down.

For instance, if there were too many plants and trees, deer and other animals would eat plants and trees. If there were too many deer, wolves would eat more of them. If there were too many wolves, they would die out because they ran out of deer to eat. You get the idea.

Then you guys came along. At first, you pretty much fit in with all the other life on my surface. I noticed, as time went on, you started to figure out how to get around all the checks and balances that would keep your population in check. And in balance.

You figured out how to live in any of my climates. My deserts, my mountains, my lakes, my forests. Suddenly, you were everywhere. After a while, there were no normal ways to keep your population in check. Or in balance. Sure, you could get eaten by lion, or a tiger, or a bear (someone told me if I say ‘Oh My” right now I’d get a big laugh. Don’t get the reference, but what the hell, why not. Click “like” or “subscribe” below). But there’s not enough of them to make any real difference.

There are only two things I’ve seen that tends to weed you out.  First, there’s disease. Epidemics. Pandemics. It works pretty well. You had one a while back. I think you called it the “The Black Death.” Oh, and don’t forget the 1918 flu. That was even bigger than “The Black Death.” It did a really good job. 50 million deaths on that one.

Global disease isn’t working long term. Not as well as it used to work. You’re figuring out ways to get around it.

But what I find fascinating is that you guys are trying to help out by finding ways to kill yourselves off!  For instance. You invented war. Do you know you are the only species to do that on a global level?  Damned nice of you to try to help out the ecology. But it hasn’t really worked well in the long run.

Why are we bothering? We’re just going to have to do this again in 20 years.

However, you still have a very powerful tool to help you all “cull the herd,” as you like to say. That tool is stupidity. It’s been around since you all showed up. Recently, I’ve noticed the number of stupid people seems to be growing exponentially. (I’m not totally sure what that word means, but I see it a lot on the news.)

Even though you’ve figured out ways to stop this current virus, stupidity is fighting back. It could be winning. I’ve seen the stupidest among you having protests, gathering together in large crowds and hugging and kissing each other. They claim this virus is a hoax. They don’t believe it’s real. The great thing about a virus is that it couldn’t care less if you believe it’s real. It just wants you to hug and kiss and get together in big crowds.

Now, there is a possibility that stupidity might stop being as effective as it currently is. In theory, humans could reach “Peak Stupidity” after which the stupidity curve would flatten out. Then the virus would be less effective at “culling the herd.”

I’m not worried about that. I don’t think there is a peak. You can’t cure stupidity.

I think it was one of your unusually smart humans, Einstein, Steinberg, something like that. He wrote, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the former.”


So, there you have it mankind. I must admit, I really don’t want you all to disappear.  I’ve watched millions of species come and go. I’ve liked most of them. I’ve grown really fond of you guys. I mean, you invented beer! And Netflix! I’ve really gotten into Netflix. I can’t stop watching Tiger King. Talk about stupid!

Sincerely yours,

The Earth

KEEP TALKING – BY TOM CURLEY

A weird thing happened this week. Other than that last week was “Peak Death Week.” (Sorry, I didn’t get anybody a card).

For the first time ever I didn’t immediately mute my TV when the Covidiot-in-chief comes on to do the daily “5 O’clock Follies” and spend two-hours doing what he normally would do at his hate-filled rallies.

A Distorted View. Neil Davis – one of Australia’s greatest war correspondents was one of the most vocal opponents of these events. Between 1965 and 1968 US television networks distorted the view of the war. They portrayed it as a romantic, heroic struggle. They uncritically accepted the version of events presented to them by US generals daily at 5pm. The Allied public was lead to believe they were winning the war. How could he know better than the generals and the other journalists?

Up until now I, like most folks, would just scream at the TV.

THAT’S A LIE!

THAT’S A BIGGER LIE!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????

Then I just muted the sound till the real news came back on.

I have been livid that the news networks all take these propaganda briefings in full. It’s just him campaigning.  Doesn’t Biden get equal time? Now, the cable networks, except for Fox of course, routinely break away to fact check the verbal diarrhea that spews forth from everybody on the podium except for Dr. Fauci.

But this week it changed. I suddenly remembered a funny meme that my cousin Jackie sent me a few weeks ago. It was a sign that said:

“When someone tells you to ‘Keep Talking’ and you realize what he’s really saying is ‘You Better Shut the Fuck Up Right Now!”

She added a comment “That was Uncle Tom’s go-to move.” That was my Dad. I laughed for almost ten minutes when I read that.  Because it was so true. When my brother and I were kids and we were trying to talk ourselves out of whatever thing we did that we shouldn’t have, he would just look at us for a long moment and say

“Go on, keep talking.”

At that point, we’d realize we’d been busted and we would shut the fuck up.

That’s just what is happening with these propaganda rallies. He is just playing to his base like he does in his cult rallies. The only problem is that everybody is watching. His cult followers will believe anything and everything that he says. But the rest of the country and the rest of the world are all screaming at their TVs.  His utter madness, his utter contempt for human life, his unimaginable stupidity, his utter lack of empathy is being shoved down the world’s throat every Goddamned day. I think the democrats are being smart. Let him keep talking.

He says he has the absolute right to open the country even though he doesn’t

Keep talking.

He says “I take no responsibility” for any of the mess we’re in.

Keep talking.

He says he has absolute power. He doesn’t

Keep talking

“The testing is going just fine.” It’s not.

Keep talking.

“We have one case, soon it will be none.” We didn’t. It wasn’t

Keep talking.

“It will be gone by April.”  Hmmm. Last week was peak death week. Well, in New York at least. This week, it’s Massachusetts surging.

Keep talking.

So, for the first time, I actually listened to him. For a few minutes. Until I threw up in my mouth a little. I still mute the TV for most of the Follies.  But now, as I watch I keep hearing my dad.

Go on,  keep talking.

LET’S SWAP REALITIES – By TOM CURLEY

Hard to believe this was originally written more than two years ago, eh? It’s like we’re in another reality. Not a parallel reality. Just some weird place we never imagined we could ever be and most of us are still trying to figure out what’s going on.

Hey, has anyone gotten a check from the government? If you have, tell me your secret.


I figured it out! The solution to reality! This reality! This reality TV reality!

The problem is not so much that we are living in a reality TV reality. The problem is that we’re living in a REALLY BAD reality TV reality. Face it, it’s not working. Each time something happens that we might think is positive, the next day — or the next hour — we discover we were deluded.

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Do you know what does work?

Fictional TV reality!


Think about it. There was a show called “Designated Survivor.” In it, the whole U.S. government was blown up during a State of the Union Address.  The Executive Branch, Congress, Supreme Court? Wiped off the earth.

The only cabinet member that had to stay home becomes the President. He has to rebuild the government from the ground up. While he’s doing that, there’s a mysterious cabal in which the ones responsible for blowing everybody up are also trying to take over the country.

In spite of that, their government and President are doing a lot better job than ours! They are noticeably more sane and coherent and sometimes, they make intelligent decisions. Imagine that!

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So here’s what we do.  We switch realities!

It’s a win-win for everybody. How? It’s simple — at least in theory.

First


The current administration leaves the government and instead, goes on real TV, 24/7. Every day. You like watching the news? You’ll never miss another show!

SECOND


On Fox News. They all go to work on sets that look just like Washington, D.C.  They do the exact same things they do now. It will be just like on  “Big Brother”. Only bigger.

And on Fox News.

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They can pass laws, write executive orders, cancel health insurance for the whole nation, eliminate “Meals On Wheels” or just kick puppies. Whatever they want! Trump supporters won’t be upset because they only watch Fox News.

As far as they’ll be concerned, everything is normal.

It just isn’t real.

“And it’s only on Fox.”

Third


OK, great you say. But what about real reality? Who’s going to be the real President? The real cabinet?

Here’s who. Honest to God fictional ones.

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The cool part is, we have a lot of options. We have lots of choices for President. And if we dig into the DNC pool, we’ve got dozens more. Hell, every billionaire is ready to declare!

We could have Jeb Bartlett. He was a great President. Don’t believe me? Watch “The West Wing.” Again. As a matter of fact, just keep watching it over and over until you feel better. It’s like a political tranquilizer.

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We’ve got Dennis Haysbert. I’m pretty sure he was President twice.

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We’ve got Morgan Freeman. Not only was the President, but he was (is currently, I believe) also God!

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The list goes on. Michael Douglas, Kevin Kline, Jack Nicholson, Peter Sellers … (Oh, for God’s sake, Google the rest.) You get my point.

Now, appointing a cabinet becomes fun!

Fourth


Secretary of State? How about Tia Leoni? She’s already a Secretary of State and seems to be doing a pretty decent job of it every Sunday. Let’s give her the job for the rest of the week.

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Attorney General? Julianna Margulies. She’s a lawyer, ran for State’s Attorney and by almost all accounts, is a good wife.

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Secretary of Defense? I admit, at first, I was leaning toward Schwarzenegger or Stallone. Then it hit me.

CHUCK NORRIS! Think about it. We could cut the military budget down to nothing. Nobody’s going to go to war with us. Nobody fucks with Chuck Norris!

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ISIS COMMANDER: We will destroy America!

ISIS GUY WATCHING THE NEWS: Sir, America just made Chuck Norris Secretary of Defense.

ISIS COMMANDER:  Shit.

(Insert favorite Chuck Norris joke here. My favorite? Chuck Norris once counted to infinity. Twice.)

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Department of Education? The cast of Sesame Street.

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Depart of Health and Human Services? Pick any of the stern, but kindly Chiefs of Staff from any medical show you’ve enjoyed over the years. Any of them will do fine. (Except for Dr. Zorba. I’m pretty sure he’s dead.) (Extra points if you get that reference.)

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Department of Housing? Chris Rock. OK, he really doesn’t have any more qualifications for the job than Ben Carson does. But I just like the guy. He’s funny.

memegenerator.net

(If you get that reference, you get double extra points.) I could go on, but you get the point.

Five: The Election


How do we do this?

We have an election. Not the usual kind. What with voter suppression, low turnouts, gerrymandering, the Electoral College, and just candidates that don’t have the right scriptwriters, our elections are not working out well. That’s how we got into this mess, to begin with.

We have the election the same way reality TV shows do it. Everybody gets to vote from their smartphone, their computer, their tablet, or Android device. You can email or text your vote. You are only allowed to vote up to 20 times on any given device. You can vote up until 10 pm Eastern Standard Time.

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Granted, this will fire up the Millennials and confuse the hell out of old folks. Maybe it’s unfair, but it’s still better than the Electoral College.

We can set up March Madness-style brackets and have an election every week for maybe a month until we get a winner. Imagine how many office pools there will be. You might even win!

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And we, the people, elect everybody. The President doesn’t get to appoint his cabinet. We do.

This is absolute Democracy at work!


It could work!


As a cheese-faced person who somehow actually became President of the United States said to a bunch of totally incredulous Black people:

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“Give it a try. What have you got to lose?”


DARWIN AWARDS IN DANGER OF BEING CANCELLED DUE TO OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF CANDIDATES – BY TOM CURLEY

4/1/2020  “Darwin Awards in Danger”

“The Darwin Awards are in danger of being canceled this year due to the unprecedented number of applicants and a severe lack of Darwin Award trophies. ‘In any normal year we might have a few hundred nominations, but this year it’s quickly moving into the thousands. Maybe soon it will be tens of thousands,’ said the president of the Darwin Awards Committee.

If you don’t know already, the Darwin Awards are given to those special people who lose their lives by doing something unbelievably stupid, thereby weeding out unbelievably stupid people from the gene pool. Past winners have included

A hunter who shot an Elk on a ledge directly above him. The Elk died and fell on the hunter, killing him instantly.

A poacher in Africa who shot a Rhinoceros, whereupon he was trampled to death by an elephant and then was eaten by a lion.

A man who attached a jet rocket booster to his car. He fired it off and instantly reached a speed of over 300 miles an hour. Until he hit a small bump in the road which launched his car into the air. He was found by police smashed into a cliff, 300 feet above the ground.

A man who found the fuse in his car that lit the dashboard lights had blown. He didn’t have a replacement fuse. But he noticed the fuse was the same size as a 22-caliber bullet. He, of course, had one of those, so he used it to replace the blown fuse. The bullet heated up, fired and shot his nuts off.

(Editor’s note: All of these are true)

The problem now, according to the President of the Darwin Awards is that we are in unprecedented territory. Hundreds of thousands of nominees spent Spring Break flooding Florida beaches and bars and clubs even though states like New York were experiencing more and more deaths at an exponential rate.

Those people have already gone home to places all over the country and are spreading the disease at an incredible rate. Hundreds of thousands of people jammed into the French Quarter in New Orleans to celebrate Mardi Gras. Then they left to go back to their homes all across the nation.

Pastors at a megachurch in Florida and pastors in other states have held giant church services where hundreds of people show up even though they have been ordered to stay home. The pastors in some cases have been arrested. In response, they say they are going to continue the practice with even bigger services.

People are holding Coronavirus parties. Right-wing militias are holding and planning large rallies because ‘nobody can tell us what to do! And this is all a hoax!”

“I mean, this is a level of stupidity that we have never seen in the history of the awards,’” said the Darwin Award President.

“‘Do we give each person an award? Or just the Governor of Florida who refused to close the state down? Or the Governor of Mississippi who overrode local mayors who told their towns to lock down and practice social distancing? Normally we give the award to people who died from being that stupid. But what about all the people who died because these incredibly stupid people infected them?”

The other problem is a severe shortage of Darwin Award trophies.

According to the Darwin  Award President

‘We just don’t have enough trophies. We have a stockpile of a few hundred. But we’re going to need thousands. Maybe hundreds of thousands. Where are we going to get them? I’ve personally reached out to President Trump about this. His response was that he has done a great job sending out trophies. The best job in the history of trophies. If there is a shortage of trophies maybe those trophies are “going out the back door”.  He said we should investigate that. State governors are now competing with each other over the ever-dwindling stockpile of trophies.

According to the Darwin Award President. ‘We are beginning to notice a pattern of distribution from the White House. The red states seem to be getting all their requests for trophies within days. But the blue states are getting few to none at all. Of course, this could be simply because the demand in the red states is exponentially higher than in the blue states.’

The biggest problem, according to the Darwin Award President is ‘We haven’t reached the peak of stupidity. The next few weeks are going to see an unbelievable uptick in the number of stupid things being done by stupid people that is going to get themselves killed.’

But one thing we do know. No matter how bad it gets. And even if he doesn’t die from being arguably the stupidest president in the history of Presidents, an honorary Darwin Award of the Century will go to the person who truly deserves it.”

Donald J. Trump.

Party on, assholes.

P.S This isn’t an actual news report. It doesn’t make it any less true.