THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

The subject has been on our minds lately, probably because it’s almost baseball season and the slugger the Sox need has refused to sign a contract.

“It’s not about the money,” he assured everyone. The current offer is at $125 million for 6 years, but he wants to play outfield rather than designated hitter — which is what we need. The Sox have three brilliant outfielders who can also hit, so that’s not happening. Martinez isn’t getting more money and he is definitely not getting third base.

Since no one else has made him a better offer, there’s a possibility this great player is going to wind up sitting out the season or going to Japan because he won’t sign a contract. There aren’t many teams with this kind of money to offer. The Yankees, Dodgers, and Red Sox are pretty much the big three for big money and this guy has said no to all of them.

No contract? No baseball.

Meanwhile, we are also watching reruns of “Blue Bloods.” Danny the cop with PTSD and his lovely wife Linda are going through a variety of marital issues. He says “You have to quit doing that.”

And she says “Or yeah? Or what? Eh? Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?”

And I say: “Until the new contract season comes up.” This is a rerun, so I can see the future. I know she’s going to die at the beginning of next season – belatedly — because she can’t renegotiate her contract.

That made me think about how life would be if our marriages were based on contracts and negotiations. With agents and lawyers. Lists ofย  requirements and assurances from the medical team that we’re okay to play five more seasons. All the things we are required to do or no renewal for upcoming seasons.

Sorry buddy. Empty out your locker and good luck in your next endeavor.

This might result in all of us getting better terms for our relationships or maybe not. More likely, a lot of lawyers and agents get richer. We get poorer, and a bunch of married people discover they have not been renewed for the upcoming season. I can see us negotiating for a five-year contract, with someone saying “Of course, this contract is based on a doctor’s assurance that you are in good health.”

Oops.

Poor people would have to work month-to-month because they can’t afford an agent. We’d be lucky to even make the team. On a more positive note, there would be no need for divorce. It would be simple, matter-of-fact business arrangement.

Sorry.ย Your contract has not been renewed.

23 thoughts on “THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT”

      1. I signed the best contract of my life on September 15th, 1990. I considered several deals over the years before agreeing to trhe ’90 pact. I didn’t need an agent.

        I am reminded many times how lucky I am to have signed that pact. The luckiest man in the world.

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  1. Now, if there were a pinch hitter clause in the marriage contract, I wonder, in general, which side of the spousal roster would approach negotiations with more enthusiasm? I’ll bet that would lead to a lot of husbands getting benched, and cause a great many wives to balk.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I thinly smiled when Hanley Ramirez, the great under achiever, said he’d bought Tom Brady’s book about conditioning and dedication to your sport.

        Hanley “I have a hangnail. I can’t play, Skipper” Ramirez swears he’s turned his life around and will be a very good player for the Red Sox this year.

        Sure, Hanley, sure. You’ve always lived up to your contract. Lucifer Morningstar has another deal for you,

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  2. I think most marriages end because of a contract dispute. “Look, you violated the ‘no extra-marital sex’ provision of our contract” was how one of my marriages ended though that was not said in so many words. If the contracts were more explicit from the get-go, I wonder, since it takes a few years (3 in my experience) into a marriage to know if the team is going to make it out of the minors before falling apart. Maybe 3 years with an option to renegotiate. Personally, I’d opt for the month-to-month and separate dwellings… ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know of people who really did a month-to-month with separate dwellings. It helps if both of you have a full-time, well-paying position. Two dwellings adds up to serious money.

      That’s the problem. We want a multi-million dollar ten-year contract with incentives for better performance on the field. Also, forget sex. I can live without sex. I want someone who cooks, cleans, loves dogs and brings home a good, solid income with him or her. I’m really not picky.

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    1. Willow, my old bosses/TV News Exes/”Suits were willing to void my contract if I didn’t show up even if I was dying. They needed the corpus frozen.

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