Because of these new Trump-induced laws requiring all kinds of paperwork for “real” official U.S. IDs, I had to send out for paperwork. It turned out I didn’t need two of the three items because I found the originals. Having paid hefty fees for them, I figured I should get them. One of them is my son’s birth certificate. He will need it. It hasn’t gotten here yet and I’m not sure when (if ever) it will arrive.

I have requested all deliveries not require a signature. I move slowly. It’s two flights of stairs to the back door. The delivery guys wait five seconds before they’re running back to the truck. Even when I was a lot more mobile, I could never get to the door even at a dead run. They won’t wait long enough for Garry or Owen to get there and both of them move a lot faster than me.

Nonetheless, this item, three months after I ordered it, said SIGNATURE REQUIRED.

I heaved a heavy sigh and called UPS. After fighting my way through their robot recording which typically hangs up before I figure out what word combination will yield a human. You can’t get a human being on their chat line at all. The robot has a four sentence spiel and automatically disconnects.

UPS is in hiding. They don’t want to hear from customers.

After waiting on hold for about an hour (AND this was my third try at getting a person) I connected with a (supposedly) living person. She was working from home, so there was another long hold for both of us while she tried to get her supervisor on the phone. When finally we made that connection, the supervisor told me that I had to call the sending party and tell them to remove the signature requirement. I have a UPS account. I may have several but I’m not sure anymore. It doesn’t matter. They ignore it.

After a long and ultimately loud conversation, I was told that nothing I did — absolutely NOTHING — would change the signature requirement because it was put there by the sending company. I had to call them.

I called. After another long hold, I got a person. By now, half my day was spent on hold and/or shouting at people who feel that whatever your issue is, it’s not their problem.

The first person I talked to said they couldn’t change the requirement for a signature because it was part of their computer set up and was automatically applied to everything that went out via UPS. Everything. I asked them if they were working for the computer? I thought the computer was a tool and worked for them.

When did computers become the boss?

She said they couldn’t possibly change it. Quite adamant about it. I theorized she had no idea how to change it and probably, neither did anyone except whoever designed the application. Anyway, UPS told them I had to change it in the official UPS “My Choice” application. Which I had done and had gotten the message “YOUR CHANGES HAVE BEEN SAVED.” The next text from UPS would say exactly the same thing.

SIGNATURE REQUIRED.

Since I’d just gotten off the phone with UPS, I knew they would tell me I had to talk to the sender who would tell me to talk to UPS. Round and round we go! My problem was exclusively MINE even though I was merely the recipient.

The item was supposed to be here yesterday, but didn’t make it. Late last night, I got a new text and email telling me the package would get here today. It was supposed to rain torrents today, so even if they really did just leave it, I was dubious about what condition it would be in.

I tried to change the delivery date but discovered it costs $9.99 to change the date. Fill in your credit information on this form. Given one thing and another, I was sure even if I paid them, it wouldn’t change anything. I gave up. What would be, would be.

This morning, I got four separate messages from UPS telling me the package would arrive between 2 and 5 pm and my SIGNATURE WAS REQUIRED.

At noon, I got a text on my phone telling me the UPS guy had just dropped off the package and left it where they leave all my packages, by the back door. Garry went downstairs to get it. Also, it didn’t rain.

UPS seems to feel I should pay them for the privilege of having them deliver packages for which they have already been paid. If I thought paying them $20 would mean I’d get packages delivered as requested, I’d consider it, even though it’s a ripoff. I’m sure I would pay the money and nothing would change. Maybe if I gave the money to their drivers, that would help. At least they’d appreciate it.

If logic and reason fail, bribery can be a great alternative.

Categories: Anecdote

Tags: customer service, delivery, humor sort of, Marilyn Armstrong, UPS