I am both proud and humble (an ambivalent state of mind, to be sure) to be the first all-powerful, all-knowing (but generally benevolent unless crossed) Empress of the Internet.
My first decree will make high-speed Internet access free and universal. No matter who you are, and where you live … you have Internet access. High speed quality access.
Next, I will demand better software design, more reasonable copyright laws, and far, far lower rates for services of all kinds.
Too long have we been in thrall to the mega-corporate pirates. They who have held our virtual world for ransom will pay the ultimate price — a lifetime without WiFi. I sentence them all to a future of copper wire and gigantic bills from Cable Providers with no escape. Ever.
We will also provide you with the computer of your choice, one for each person who signs my loyalty pledge. What, you thought it would be free, no strings? Dream on!
Tablet, laptop, desktop using whatever operating system suits your personal style. My goal is to make your life easier and more fun. Maybe even more productive.
Additional devices will be available at very affordable prices.
I wish I could also give you a decent medical plan and a job, but at least if you’re dying of untreated disease and malnutrition because you can’t buy groceries, you’ll be able to complain about it on the Internet. It’s the least I can do.
Thank you for making me Empress. I will be the most magnanimous yet firm-minded monarch ever. Go in peace!