IF TV SHOWS WERE REAL – TOM CURLEY

I watch a lot of TV. Probably too much. I’m fond of action shows. I’m really fond of all the various comic book shows.

The single thing these shows have in common is they all have at least one computer genius. A girl or guy geek who’s the best hacker in the business. They always have at least a half-dozen computer monitors in front of them. Each one has 10 or more windows open with lines of data scrolling by at about a hundred miles an hour. They can do anything and everything. Instantly.

falcontradingsystems.com

falcontradingsystems.com

BOSS: I know this is illegal, but I need you to hack into the CIA, NSA and FBI servers. They have the most secure and impenetrable firewalls ever designed. Can you do it?

COMPUTER GENIUS: I was into all three 15 seconds ago, sir.

The ones that work for the FBI can find anything in 10 seconds or less.

FBI BOSS: Our serial killer is male, early thirties, white, and probably living in a two square mile region south of Albany, Georgia. He’s left handed  and likes string cheese. We need to narrow our search …

FBI COMPUTER GENIUS: Found him! His photo, home address and a copy of his permanent High School record have already been sent to your phone.

Not the real bad guy

Not the real bad guy

But this got me to thinking. What would these shows look like if they were happening in the real world?

BOSS OF SUPER SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION TASKED WITH SAVING THE WORLD FROM SUPER BAD EVIL DOERS:  OK, listen up. You two are the world’s best black hat and white hat hackers. We’ve brought you here because a Super Bad Evil Doer has stolen software that will allow him to access all the world powers’ nuclear codes. He is demanding 1 trillion dollars in ransom or he will launch all the missiles at once and destroy the Earth. You each have a whole bunch of computer screens in front of you with dozens of boxes open scrolling lines and lines of stuff. You have less than 10 minutes to somehow find our Evil Doer and figure out a way to block him from launching those missiles. Can you do it?

HACKER #1: Yes, but we will need to write some specialized software, at least 10 to 20 thousand lines of code.

BOSS: My God!  Can you do it in time???

HACKER #2: Already done sir. Now all we have to do is upload it to the Evil Doer’s computer. Ready to send in 3, 2 ….

HACKER #1: NO! NO! NO!

HACKER #2: What’s wrong? OH GOD NO! NO! NO!

BOSS: What’s happening?!

HACKER #1: My computer is shutting down!!

HACKER #2: MINE TOO!

BOSS: Are you being hacked? Have your computers been infiltrated by some kind of malicious software? Does the Evil Doer have a genius hacker of his own???

HACKER #1: WORSE! Windows just installed updates! It’s rebooting so the updates can take effect!

windows shut down

BOSS: Can you stop it!??

HACKER #2: It’s too late! Look! It’s already started rebooting and configuring the updates!

windowsupdateinstalling_40853_l

BOSS: There’s nothing you can do???!

HACKER #2: No sir. Look at the screen. It says “Please do not power off or unplug your machine while updates are in progress”!

windows updates 1

BOSS: How long will it take to reboot?

HACKER #1: God only knows! Look! It’s still installing update six of ten! This could take an hour! Even more.

BOSS: We have less than ten minutes before nuclear Armageddon! What are we going to?

HACKER #1: Wait! I’ve got it! I can use my smart phone!

HACKER #2: Yes! We will have to adapt about 15 thousand lines of code but …

HACKER #1: It’s done! OK now all I have to do is input and send the kill command. “NEUTRALIZE ALL NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES”. And … done!

BOSS: Thank God!

HACKER #2: Oh NO! You entered “NEUTRALIZE ALL NUCLEAR LUNCH CODES”!!

HACKER #1: What?! Damn you AUTOCORRECT!

autocorrect

BOSS: What do we do now!!

HACKER #2: You know what? Pay the ransom. I’ve had it with Windows. I mean look, it’s still on update 6 of 10! We’re going to be here all day!

HACKER #1: I agree. Pay the money. This is just too much trouble. I’m telling you, ever since my phone updated to iOS 9.0.1, nothing works right.

HACKER #2: Tell me about it.

ios-9-overnight-update

As the two hackers walk off into the sunset discussing whether or not upgrading to Windows 10 would make the situation better or worse, small mushroom clouds appear in the distance.

doodleordie.com

doodleordie.com

Yeah, that’s pretty much how it would happen.

41 thoughts on “IF TV SHOWS WERE REAL – TOM CURLEY

  1. I’m still trying to figure out how they know he likes string cheese??
    Those up dates are going to be our undoing for sure. I try to stall as long as possible.
    Leslie

    Like

  2. I seize up just reading that. It’s too close to our fantasy version of reality (or is that our realistic version of fantasy), that stuff that happens with impeccably bad timing daily. We no longer have the blue screen of death, we have “do not shut down your computer…” but only when you are just about to connect with sonmeone to play a terribly important power match in Final Fantasy or Rift or wherever…

    Like

    • Even though I was joking, it’s more real than you think. I used to go on the air on the CBS network with a switcher that was controlled by a PC. More than once as I was on the air, the machine would reboot due to an update and I’d be stuck with what ever the last camera shot I called up before the machine shut down. Needless to say, inappropriate language was heard in the control room.

      Like

  3. Gregg Morris was the Device Lord in Mission Impossible. Yes I do remember the shoe phone! LOL!! I also recall Dick Tracy talking into his wrist watch. Now I have lived long enough to see this come to pass thanks to Apple and their fancy watches! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Back in the day (Lord, I HATE that cliche), when I was covering presidential or visiting royalty stories, I’d get close to the secret service guys and talk into my watch. Double talk into my watch. I’d count to five and then give the black suits a thumbs up. Got ’em every time.

      Liked by 2 people

      • You know, In that at this point 75% or more of most of our lives were “back in the day” I guess we should probably stop hating that cliche. We used to get the Secret Service on our side by giving them what was then “back in the Day” (sorry I couldn’t resist) the new coiled plastic ear pieces. They all had those horrible steel ones that hooked to your ear. They were always surprised they existed and thrilled to get one.
        It’s the little things in life.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Pancho, I think back in the day was yesterday. Mar discovered the “western-mania” channel on Roku. Last night we watched the FIRST “Lone Ranger” TV show (’49). I am reborn!!
          Tonto, I need you to ride into town and get Silver some oats. The good ones. Not the cheap, general store brand.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Actually Tonto was always heading for the town barber shop to eavesdrop.., “You’re next injun.” Never got a hair cut either.., in fact his hair was beautifully kept in a tight bun and I was alway nervous that, this time, he really was gonna get a haircut. But he usually split at that moment mumbling something in “Injun English” and leaving the barber with a puzzled, maybe disappointed, look on his face. The barber must have really wanted a shot at that crown of black hair. Many towns, many barbers and lots of bad guys, but their system worked.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Ben, I noticed the quality and cut of Tonto’s outfit. Most becoming. The buckskin shirt/jacket and pants are flattering, not like the too tight men’s fashions of today. Matter of fact, Tonto looks better dressed than the Ranger who appears to be dressed in spandex.

              Like

      • I love shit like this.., can’t stop laughing. I don’t know how I’m even typing a reply.., had to stop at least a dozen times to correct my errors. Not even “error/spell correct” could catch those. Maybe it was also laughing…?

        Liked by 2 people

        • My favorite secret service story was told to be by a CBS camera man. He was doing the pool feed from the Oval Office the day Nixon was announcing he was resigning the Presidency. As he was setting up the shot he noticed a box of Cuban Cigars sitting the the Oval Office desk. He zoomed the camera in on it. As he did a Secret Service Agent put his arm on the camera man’s shoulder and moved the camera back up to where it was supposed to be. All he said was “Don’t even think about it”.
          True story.

          Liked by 1 person

    • My favorite was the agent (44 I think) who was always hiding in a tree or a mailbox. And of course the best invention ever. The Cone of Silence.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Pancho, I’ve lost track of the real versus reel black suits. Doesn’t matter. I think my topper is the day I got caught trying to steal a pen in Bubba’s office. Bubba caught me but the black suit was actually smiling. Bubba was laughing.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. In addition to all of this, how about those batteries eh? I mean … these guys can work all day and night for a week straight on their laptop without ever plugging it in … and STILL have enough juice left to upload that virus to the alien mother ship. I want that battery.

    Oh, and I want their flash drives, too. They can download the entire contents of a server to a flash drive in less than a minute. It’s amazing!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think Abby and McGee are the top TV computer geeks. Abby could do my main frame any time!
      And, if anything goes wrong, Gibbs would solve the problem shooting all those bad computers and walking away with a smile.
      Ya think, Probie??

      Liked by 1 person

    • This is hilarious.., Tommy you are as zany as you were back in the 60s, GOOD SHOW! I only have two observances.

      1. iOS 9.0.1 would be an Apple OS update so no wonder his Windows or Android smart phone won’t work.
      2. Most update/download instructions, in all formats, advise keeping your LAPTOP plugged in to a reliable power source, namely your AC adapter. So, of course, when I see these media created geniuses I assume they have followed the instructions. My Bad!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I was assuming it was an apple phone. But I’m sure the others are just as annoying. Yesterday I noticed my PC telling me I was “scheduled” for an update to widows 10 in three days. I had to go thru five screens to turn it off. My iphone got fed up asking me to update to 9.0.3 and just did it last night!

        Like

        • Regarding your iPhone; NO! it can’t update on its own unless you allow it to. Trust me, you hit the wrong button. Fingers too big, buttons too small.., it’s a common problem, I’ve done it myself many times Arrgghh!

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Prior to the computer age I remember Ivan Dixon of Hogan’s Heroes always came up with some device to help his fellow prisoners. Then there was Mission Impossible and the Wild Wild West. I think most Action/Drama shows had some sort of mechanical genius or somebody who was a Gadget Whiz. As for cartoons Inspector Gadget comes to mind and another of my favorite TV shows Get Smart.

    Liked by 1 person

Talk to me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.