REVOLVING DOORS, REVOLVERS, AND CURLING

Last night, Garry was taking his final cruise through the channels to see if there was anything he wanted to record. Then he stopped, looked, and said: “See that?”

“What?”

“The Revolver Nationals.”

I had to think a moment, but then I saw in my mind’s eye a contest. Taking place in a mall. With revolving doors and shoppers. Maybe on one of special, big sale days, like “Black Friday” which is the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Single revolving door

You would have two teams of shoppers, each trying to get the most people through the revolving doors in the least amount of time. You’d need organization, determination, speed, and endurance to participate. It would be a fantastic event. The only competitive requirement is that you’d probably have to be small, thin, and agile to make the team. After all, you’re trying to fit a lot of people into a pretty small space, then move them — en masse — without causing injury or panic … or blocking the doors.

Anyone could play, but women, being on the average somewhat smaller than men, would actually have an edge.

Garry looked at me. “No. Not doors. Guns. You know, revolvers?”

This was when I knew absolutely I am not tuned into the American psyche. I was probably deposited in a cabbage patch by a passing alien spacecraft.

They are talking about shooting guns and I’m postulating moving shoppers efficiently through revolving doors. Obviously, I’m not on the same wavelength as the rest of my contemporaries. I’m not even on the same frequency band. It’s possible I’m not living in the same dimension.

In my defense, there are all kinds of bizarre “sports” on very late night television.

A curling match at Eglinton Castle, Ayrshire, Scotland in 1860. The curling house is located to the left of the picture. Roger Griffith - Archival. Public Domain: 2 Feb 1860

A curling match at Eglinton Castle, Ayrshire, Scotland in 1860. The curling house is located to the left of the picture. Roger Griffith – Archival. Public Domain: 2 Feb 1860

Take curling, for example. Hunky guys using brooms to push big rocks on ice. Not while skating. Just … on the ice. Rocks and brooms. As far as I can tell, it’s the cold weather version of shuffleboard, though I don’t know how well it would be received by senior citizens who are America’s typical shuffleboard players. Most of us prefer a warm recliner if it’s cold enough to be out there pushing big rocks around on the ice.

Also, ice is dangerous. You could fall and break a hip.

72-smith-wesson-revolver-gunMoving shoppers efficiently through revolving doors makes at least as much sense as pushing rocks around an ice rink with a broom … or for that matter, slaughtering paper targets with bullets.

24 thoughts on “REVOLVING DOORS, REVOLVERS, AND CURLING

  1. I avoid revolving doors when possible. We have a supermarket in town that has them, so impossible to avoid, but there is always space as we do not run competitions with them. As far as curling is concerned, the Swiss have a good female team that have won a few gold medals. It is not my game, the heavy thing has to sail over the ice and it seems with the help of special brooms they have to go back and forth on the size to make the weight move quicker – I don’t get it, silly game.

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    • Revolving doors are being replaced with automatic sliding doors almost everywhere. Too many accidents. Handicapped people were always getting stuck with walkers and canes. And wheelchairs couldn’t get through at all. Kids were always getting trapped too. There are none in this town — but we don’t have any shops large enough to even consider them. When I was a kid, I really DID think they were a kind of sport … like escalators. Of course, these days, escalators scare me too.

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    • Now they are automatic. Except if it’s too slow or too fast, you are obliged to keep up or stop and wait. Is there any etiquette for that? And, as someone else pointed out, what if the power goes out? Getting stuck in an elevator is bad, but getting stuck in a revolving door? Oh, the humiliation!

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  2. Ive noticed some malls have both revolving doors and an extra entrance for people who cannot or will not use the other. Not only that, what happens if the power goes out?

    I watched in bored and bemused fascination while grown men with brooms and woolly hats tried to convince heavy stones to slide an inch or two further across the ice. Oh, please. The frenetic sweeping, the energy to move a stationery rock one inch to the right or left by sweeping in front of it…Them winter’s are LONG and DARK and I would suspect it gets pretty strange long about January, yessir.

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  3. Back in the day, ESPN had all kinds of crazy sports on in the middle of the night. Ever watch a World’s Strongest Man competition? I doubt anybody ever did…. until ESPN decided it was good enough to fill the gaps in its late night schedule…

    I’d have rather watched a revolving door competition than people playing poker…

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    • Thank you 🙂 This really happened. I was laughing so hard, I almost cried. I don’t like the doors either, but I think they’d make a great sporting event. A lot of people I know would be real competitors. You just need to give them the right sport 🙂

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  4. Pingback: REVOLVING DOORS, REVOLVERS, AND CURLING | SERENDIPITY

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