Last night, Garry was taking his final cruise through the channels to see if there was anything he wanted to record. Then he stopped, looked, and said: “See that?”

“What?”

“The Revolver Nationals.”

I had to think a moment, but then I saw in my mind’s eye a contest. Taking place in a mall. With revolving doors and shoppers. Maybe on one of special, big sale days, like “Black Friday” which is the Friday after Thanksgiving.

You would have two teams of shoppers, each trying to get the most people through the revolving doors in the least amount of time. You’d need organization, determination, speed, and endurance to participate. It would be a fantastic event. The only competitive requirement is that you’d probably have to be small, thin, and agile to make the team. After all, you’re trying to fit a lot of people into a pretty small space, then move them — en masse — without causing injury or panic … or blocking the doors.

Anyone could play, but women, being on the average somewhat smaller than men, would actually have an edge.

Garry looked at me. “No. Not doors. Guns. You know, revolvers?”

This was when I knew absolutely I am not tuned into the American psyche. I was probably deposited in a cabbage patch by a passing alien spacecraft.

They are talking about shooting guns and I’m postulating moving shoppers efficiently through revolving doors. Obviously, I’m not on the same wavelength as the rest of my contemporaries. I’m not even on the same frequency band. It’s possible I’m not living in the same dimension.

In my defense, there are all kinds of bizarre “sports” on very late night television.

A curling match at Eglinton Castle, Ayrshire, Scotland in 1860. The curling house is located to the left of the picture. Roger Griffith – Archival. Public Domain: 2 Feb 1860

Take curling, for example. Hunky guys using brooms to push big rocks on ice. Not while skating. Just … on the ice. Rocks and brooms. As far as I can tell, it’s the cold weather version of shuffleboard, though I don’t know how well it would be received by senior citizens who are America’s typical shuffleboard players. Most of us prefer a warm recliner if it’s cold enough to be out there pushing big rocks around on the ice.

Also, ice is dangerous. You could fall and break a hip.

Moving shoppers efficiently through revolving doors makes at least as much sense as pushing rocks around an ice rink with a broom … or for that matter, slaughtering paper targets with bullets.

Categories: guns, Humor, Sports, Television

Tags: curling, humor, revolvers, revolving doors, sporting events, Sports