4/1/2020 “Darwin Awards in Danger”
“The Darwin Awards are in danger of being canceled this year due to the unprecedented number of applicants and a severe lack of Darwin Award trophies. ‘In any normal year we might have a few hundred nominations, but this year it’s quickly moving into the thousands. Maybe soon it will be tens of thousands,’ said the president of the Darwin Awards Committee.
If you don’t know already, the Darwin Awards are given to those special people who lose their lives by doing something unbelievably stupid, thereby weeding out unbelievably stupid people from the gene pool. Past winners have included
A hunter who shot an Elk on a ledge directly above him. The Elk died and fell on the hunter, killing him instantly.
A poacher in Africa who shot a Rhinoceros, whereupon he was trampled to death by an elephant and then was eaten by a lion.
A man who attached a jet rocket booster to his car. He fired it off and instantly reached a speed of over 300 miles an hour. Until he hit a small bump in the road which launched his car into the air. He was found by police smashed into a cliff, 300 feet above the ground.
A man who found the fuse in his car that lit the dashboard lights had blown. He didn’t have a replacement fuse. But he noticed the fuse was the same size as a 22-caliber bullet. He, of course, had one of those, so he used it to replace the blown fuse. The bullet heated up, fired and shot his nuts off.
(Editor’s note: All of these are true)
The problem now, according to the President of the Darwin Awards is that we are in unprecedented territory. Hundreds of thousands of nominees spent Spring Break flooding Florida beaches and bars and clubs even though states like New York were experiencing more and more deaths at an exponential rate.
Those people have already gone home to places all over the country and are spreading the disease at an incredible rate. Hundreds of thousands of people jammed into the French Quarter in New Orleans to celebrate Mardi Gras. Then they left to go back to their homes all across the nation.
Pastors at a megachurch in Florida and pastors in other states have held giant church services where hundreds of people show up even though they have been ordered to stay home. The pastors in some cases have been arrested. In response, they say they are going to continue the practice with even bigger services.
People are holding Coronavirus parties. Right-wing militias are holding and planning large rallies because ‘nobody can tell us what to do! And this is all a hoax!”
“I mean, this is a level of stupidity that we have never seen in the history of the awards,’” said the Darwin Award President.
“‘Do we give each person an award? Or just the Governor of Florida who refused to close the state down? Or the Governor of Mississippi who overrode local mayors who told their towns to lock down and practice social distancing? Normally we give the award to people who died from being that stupid. But what about all the people who died because these incredibly stupid people infected them?”
The other problem is a severe shortage of Darwin Award trophies.
According to the Darwin Award President
‘We just don’t have enough trophies. We have a stockpile of a few hundred. But we’re going to need thousands. Maybe hundreds of thousands. Where are we going to get them? I’ve personally reached out to President Trump about this. His response was that he has done a great job sending out trophies. The best job in the history of trophies. If there is a shortage of trophies maybe those trophies are “going out the back door”. He said we should investigate that. State governors are now competing with each other over the ever-dwindling stockpile of trophies.
According to the Darwin Award President. ‘We are beginning to notice a pattern of distribution from the White House. The red states seem to be getting all their requests for trophies within days. But the blue states are getting few to none at all. Of course, this could be simply because the demand in the red states is exponentially higher than in the blue states.’
The biggest problem, according to the Darwin Award President is ‘We haven’t reached the peak of stupidity. The next few weeks are going to see an unbelievable uptick in the number of stupid things being done by stupid people that is going to get themselves killed.’
But one thing we do know. No matter how bad it gets. And even if he doesn’t die from being arguably the stupidest president in the history of Presidents, an honorary Darwin Award of the Century will go to the person who truly deserves it.”
Party on, assholes.
P.S This isn’t an actual news report. It doesn’t make it any less true.