We have already spent a lot of time talking about USPS and voting and all that, but we haven’t gotten to our favorite amusing anecdotes about UPS and Fedex. Each has its own cute and funny methods or not getting your packages to you. When you live in the country, there is no escape. You are going to order a lot because you don’t have a full shopping experience locally.
A lot of things you need aren’t available within the 100 mile drive. We are imprisoned by plague and mentally damaged deliverers who seem to have really bad GPS units.
The “Package was handed directly to individual” is a frequent message. This has NEVER happened with either UPS or Fedex, though occasionally we have gotten mail from our regular mail person — when we had a regular mail person which we haven’t had for a few years now. It’s always a newbie. It isn’t hard to find places in the valley because we don’t have many roads and if you know all six of them, they may twist and turn, but they are still the same route number, even if the name of the street changes every 100 yards.
“Location unreachable” is hard to explain because we are very reachable AND have a big sign at the street that includes our house number. While we are rural, we’re clearly marked. Also, I’ve given very specific directions to every delivery service except USPS because they’ve been coming here forever, long before we moved to the neighborhood. Obviously they know where we are and we still get mail for people who haven’t lived here for more than 20 years.
I used to be a tech writer. Directions are me.
Then there are just the fun parts, like “tossing packages into the huge snowdrift in the middle of the dog’s yard.” Sometime in April, it’s mangled remains will appear. Then there’s “dropping it in the middle of the driveway.” If you don’t see it (it’s brown, it’s small, and there’s a leaf on it), you’ve probably already driven over it. “Leaving all things weighty at the top of the driveway right in the middle of the pavement.” Thus positioned, you can’t safely stop to put it into your car. That would be IF you are lucky enough to see it, after which you have to figure out how to wiggle your car around it. The drive is wider at the top, but it’s still an interesting bit of driver testing.
These days, we have a small fluffy white dog. We also (not very long ago) had two small Scotties of whom the FEDEX guy was terrified. I understand that there are people who are afraid of dogs. They probably aren’t our close friends, but we have “BEWARE OF DOG” signs on both our gates. Nonetheless, completely ignoring the “Beware of dogs” signs in huge pink letters on the gates or alternatively, leaving the packages on the table by the garage door (that’s why the table is there), he enters the forbidden yard and is paralyzed with fear by two Scottish Terriers. Was it because they were black? Was this doggish racism?
The signs are there to protect our canine companions from being accidentally left free to run into the road. We don’t have a lot of traffic, but it moves fast. They aren’t there to protect the delivery persons. Given his fear, he came into the yard and when attacked by Bonnie the Scottish Terrier (all 20 lbs of her) who was hoping for a biscuit, he ran back to the gate, tried to leap over the picket fence, broke off two pickets and raced up the driveway. By the time I managed to get downstairs, he refused to come back with the package. I guess he was also afraid of little old white-haired ladies.
Country living. It’s a joy until the truck shows up — or not.