WHY AREN’T MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS?? – BY TOM CURLEY

I haven’t written any blogs lately. For the last four years I would just get up, look at the news, start screaming at the world and presto!  A blog would pop into my head. Lately though, I read the news less and less. What used to be an entire day of doom scrolling the headlines has become a few minutes of scanning.

“Hey, did you hear what President Biden said today?”
“No”
“Neither did anyone else. Isn’t that awesome?!”

Not much shocks me anymore thereby triggering the “Start screaming/write a blog” reflex. Until now.

I was recently exposed to something that really shocked me. After all we’ve been through, I’m pretty shockproof, but this one really threw me. Mostly because I can’t believe nobody ever talked about this before. I mean, it’s always been there. Right in front of our eyes.

I only found out about this when my daughter Sarah asked a simple question. She didn’t even ask it to me. I overheard it as I was passing through the kitchen one day. She was doing a FaceTime chat with her mother. It was a simple question. But it stopped me in my tracks. What did she ask?

How come there aren’t any Jewish Vampires?

Grandpa?

I know. Shocking doesn’t really convey how, well, shocking this question was. I’m heading into my 7th decade and this is the first time anybody’s mentioned this? How is that possible? Her next question was even more vexing:

“And if there are, how do you fight them?”

She made a really good point. How do you defeat a Jewish Vampire? The normal tactics wouldn’t work. Like, showing them a cross. Why would that bother them?

VAMPIRE HUNTER: Back you vile undead fiend! I have this!

JEWISH VAMPIRE: What’s that? A cross?

VAMPIRE HUNTER: Yes! It’s made of pure silver! You cannot resist it! The power of Christ compels you!

JEWISH VAMPIRE: No it doesn’t.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: The power of Christ compels you!

JEWISH VAMPIRE: Nope. Not really. I’m Jewish you moron.

The vampire hunter holds up a wooden stake.

JEWISH VAMPIRE: Hey! Be careful with that! You could put somebody’s eye out with one of those things!

VAMPIRE HUNTER: Oh. Uh, right. Well, how about that!

Down to his final protection, the vampire hunter throws holy water at the Jewish Vampire.

JEWISH VAMPIRE: HEY! What the fuck! Why did you just throw water at me??

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s Holy Water!

JEWISH VAMPIRE: Who gives a shit? It’s wet. I’m wearing suede you idiot! My mother gave me this jacket! She’s going to kill me!

VAMPIRE HUNTER: You’re already dead.

JEWISH VAMPIRE: It’s a figure of speech!!

So, what would you use to fight a Jewish vampire?

A Star of David? Maybe?

Garlic? Isn’t that for werewolves? Maybe for both?

Non-kosher food, like white bread and mayonnaise? Who knows?

This intrigued me so much, I started doing some research. Turns out, there’s a TV show from Israel that tackles this very subject. It’s called “Juda” and you can see it on HULU. The answers the show gives are sort of disturbing.

Juda is the only Jewish vampire. He was turned by a descendant of Dracula. It turns out the Dracula coven vampires are not supposed to drink Jewish blood. Because it’s not kosher? Juda becomes a Super Jewish vampire. He’s stronger than gentile vampires. He’s faster than gentile vampires. He can hang out during the day. This is the excuse gentile vampires use for not drinking Jewish blood. If they do, they will be wiped out. Wait a minute. “Jews will not replace us!” Where have we heard that before?

Great. Vampires are just a bunch of anti-Semite white supremacists. Proud boys with fangs. On the plus side, if you run into a vampire and don’t have a wooden stake handy, just tell him you’re Jewish!

GENTILE VAMPIRE: I’m going to suck your blood!

HUMAN: No wait! I’m Jewish!

GENTILE VAMPIRE: Shit.

Juda does have his own issues. He can’t enter a house with a mezuzah on the door. Also, Jews are not supposed to drink blood. Fortunately, he has a mysterious Rabbi who advises him and gives him a waiver as long he only drinks the blood of koshered animals. No human blood!

NO HUMANS FOR YOU!

So, there you have it. I’m definitely going to check this show out. The answers are out there!

I just read this blog to my wife, Ellin. She’s Jewish and I was sure she would be thrilled to find out what I’ve uncovered. She just shrugged and said,

“You have too much free time.”

Maybe she’s right. We all have more free time these days. Isn’t it great?



Categories: Humor, satire and parody, Tom Curley, Vampires and other creatures of the night, You can't make this stuff up

Tags: , , ,

28 replies

  1. I never knew that vampires were so discriminating about who they bit. Nice to see you back Tom.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s the obvious mysteries that we miss. Why was this question never asked before? What else have we overlooked?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m still working on getting English right.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ellin’s right, Pancho. You have too much free time on your hands.

      You could be busy like me — watching old westerns.

      Or, you could get your yacht people ready so we can gather to discuss Jewish Vampires, Joe Franklin’s legacy and the meaning of life.

      I’ll bring the eyeliner.

      Like

  4. Came over from Melanie. I’ve had a similar conversation with my daughter – why we can’t have Hindu vampires. Firsly because many Hindus are vegetarian, and they’ll dehydrate to a second death. Also because anytime we touch blood, we need to bathe – I mean, that ought to be exhausting, no?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. One of your more delightfully warped pieces. I’m looking forward to seeing if I can remember ANY Hebrew anymore. The language has evolved in the 30+ years since we left, now mixed with a lot of Russian and Ethiopian. And they talk so FAST.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much for the first truly hearty laugh I’ve had in ages. Now, where did I put that yarmulka? Wait. Only men, Jewish men, wear those, right? I wonder if Juda would drink Mormon blood. Yeah, I suppose he would, although it’s not Kosher. Just full of sugar. Great post! I’m sharing it with all my lovely watchers, as they can also probably use a good laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. Probably wouldn’t drink Mormon blood. To much caffeine. Keeps them up all day.

      Like

    • Melanie, these comments are crazier than the post. Is there something in the air?

      I know the author is on the lam from the Cuckoo’s Nest and missing a few marbles. He has the same PTSD that I do – from too many years in the TV News Biz.

      But YOU folks — Try a Kosher Vodka Bloody Mary with a cherry on top of the celery stick.

      Too Jewish? Sorry, Melanie — Walk this way! Dare you to share this. DOUBLE dare you to share this with your whack – a do friends. Too soon? Okay, let’s all sing KUMBAYA.

      Like

  7. Best chuckle of the day Tom, thank you.
    Leslie

    Liked by 2 people

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