I haven’t written any blogs lately. For the last four years I would just get up, look at the news, start screaming at the world and presto! A blog would pop into my head. Lately though, I read the news less and less. What used to be an entire day of doom scrolling the headlines has become a few minutes of scanning.
“Hey, did you hear what President Biden said today?”
“Neither did anyone else. Isn’t that awesome?!”
I was recently exposed to something that really shocked me. After all we’ve been through, I’m pretty shockproof, but this one really threw me. Mostly because I can’t believe nobody ever talked about this before. I mean, it’s always been there. Right in front of our eyes.
I only found out about this when my daughter Sarah asked a simple question. She didn’t even ask it to me. I overheard it as I was passing through the kitchen one day. She was doing a FaceTime chat with her mother. It was a simple question. But it stopped me in my tracks. What did she ask?
I know. Shocking doesn’t really convey how, well, shocking this question was. I’m heading into my 7th decade and this is the first time anybody’s mentioned this? How is that possible? Her next question was even more vexing:
“And if there are, how do you fight them?”
She made a really good point. How do you defeat a Jewish Vampire? The normal tactics wouldn’t work. Like, showing them a cross. Why would that bother them?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: Back you vile undead fiend! I have this!
JEWISH VAMPIRE: What’s that? A cross?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: Yes! It’s made of pure silver! You cannot resist it! The power of Christ compels you!
JEWISH VAMPIRE: No it doesn’t.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: The power of Christ compels you!
JEWISH VAMPIRE: Nope. Not really. I’m Jewish you moron.
The vampire hunter holds up a wooden stake.
JEWISH VAMPIRE: Hey! Be careful with that! You could put somebody’s eye out with one of those things!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: Oh. Uh, right. Well, how about that!
Down to his final protection, the vampire hunter throws holy water at the Jewish Vampire.
JEWISH VAMPIRE: HEY! What the fuck! Why did you just throw water at me??
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s Holy Water!
JEWISH VAMPIRE: Who gives a shit? It’s wet. I’m wearing suede you idiot! My mother gave me this jacket! She’s going to kill me!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: You’re already dead.
JEWISH VAMPIRE: It’s a figure of speech!!
So, what would you use to fight a Jewish vampire?
A Star of David? Maybe?
Garlic? Isn’t that for werewolves? Maybe for both?
Non-kosher food, like white bread and mayonnaise? Who knows?
This intrigued me so much, I started doing some research. Turns out, there’s a TV show from Israel that tackles this very subject. It’s called “Juda” and you can see it on HULU. The answers the show gives are sort of disturbing.
Juda is the only Jewish vampire. He was turned by a descendant of Dracula. It turns out the Dracula coven vampires are not supposed to drink Jewish blood. Because it’s not kosher? Juda becomes a Super Jewish vampire. He’s stronger than gentile vampires. He’s faster than gentile vampires. He can hang out during the day. This is the excuse gentile vampires use for not drinking Jewish blood. If they do, they will be wiped out. Wait a minute. “Jews will not replace us!” Where have we heard that before?
Great. Vampires are just a bunch of anti-Semite white supremacists. Proud boys with fangs. On the plus side, if you run into a vampire and don’t have a wooden stake handy, just tell him you’re Jewish!
GENTILE VAMPIRE: I’m going to suck your blood!
HUMAN: No wait! I’m Jewish!
GENTILE VAMPIRE: Shit.
Juda does have his own issues. He can’t enter a house with a mezuzah on the door. Also, Jews are not supposed to drink blood. Fortunately, he has a mysterious Rabbi who advises him and gives him a waiver as long he only drinks the blood of koshered animals. No human blood!
So, there you have it. I’m definitely going to check this show out. The answers are out there!
I just read this blog to my wife, Ellin. She’s Jewish and I was sure she would be thrilled to find out what I’ve uncovered. She just shrugged and said,
“You have too much free time.”
Maybe she’s right. We all have more free time these days. Isn’t it great?