PASS THE ALUMINUM FOIL (DIRECTIONS INCLUDED)

You think you know someone. You hang out with them, exchange emails, jokes, and anecdotes. Maybe you even work with them. Then, one day, out of the blue, you discover they believe you are going to Hell. Perhaps a conspiracy theorist or a believer in the upcoming zombie apocalypse. Or the next Messiah.

I lived in Jerusalem for almost 9 years. Big surprise, you meet a lot of people who are sure they are Jesus Christ come back to finish his work on Earth. One of them worked at the local pizza joint and seemed perfectly normal, until in the middle of a casual conversation, he would drop a bomb about his mission. And there you were, transported to wacko central.

I had a casual friend who was a piano player. He sang and played at fancy hotel bars, like the Hilton Hotel lounge. He was an American, so it was inevitable we would meet. We struck up a little chatty relationship. One night, he called and invited me over. He had something important to tell me.

aluminum foil 1

Important? Our relationship consisted of reminiscing about life in the U.S. in the 1960s — and I’d done his horoscope. I was (coincidentally) the astrology columnist and managing editor of a short-lived English-language weekly. Please, let’s not discuss astrology or my psychic abilities (or lack thereof). You don’t want to know and I don’t want to tell you.

Having nothing better to do at the time, I walked over to his house (just around the corner) and we got to talking. Suddenly, I knew. He was going to tell me one of two things: he was an alien and came from on another planet or galaxy … or … he was Jesus Christ.

It was the latter. Another Jesus. He wanted me, because of my brilliant psychic abilities, to be Paul and spread the word. I worked very hard to tell him that his timing was off and I would be sure to advise him when the right moment arrived. Then I fled into the night and home. He was one of several people who convinced me there was no future for me in the psychically predictive arts.

aluminum-foil-hat_directions

Then there was the guy I worked with at one or another of the many high-tech companies at which I was employed, who one day informed me of his intention to quit his job and move to an underground bunker. In anticipation of the coming apocalypse. I hadn’t even done his horoscope.

Not surprisingly, a series of these unwelcome surprises has made more than slightly wary of prospective friends. I’m afraid of what will be revealed as we get to know each other better.

The thing about people who believe in cabals, believe they came on an alien space craft or will be leaving on one shortly, and they are all sure God has assigned them a mission.

You can’t argue with them. They believe what they believe. Absolutely. Don’t bother with facts, their minds are made up.

What if they decide I am one of their (many) enemies? Pass the aluminum foil. I think I need a new hat.



Categories: Anecdote, Humor, Israel, You can't make this stuff up

Tags: , , , , , ,

48 replies

  1. How did I ever miss this the first time around. Lol.
    I tend to collect the kind that are ‘involved with the government’.

    Online, i have met more than one who, after a lovely friendly relationship (why does it always seem to be men) they suddenly blurt something out, like, “the last time I was in Washington…” or, “they have been saying at the White House…” and I start to mentally back up. Grain of salt time.

    Or the man behind me in the restaurant, who was having a lively convo until I tuned in and realized he was discussing, again, “when I get to DC next week and talk to Bill” and I thought, im not hearing another voice in this convo. (no ubiquitous cell phones in those days) When the waitress came by i said, very softly, “please tell me the man behind me isnt alone” and she just smiled. “he comes in here all the time. He’s harmless.” and she offered to move me if I was uncomfortable, but I said, no, I wasnt scared, just curious…

    Cell phones have become a boon to folks like this, all you do is attach it to your ear and you can talk away, anywhere, and No One Will Ever Know. I did see one man who was doing just that, only the cell phone must have been the new invisible model.

    Like

    • I can deal pretty well with the public wackos. The private ones with whom you think you are sort of friends, but suddenly (one day, out of the blue) announce they are Jesus come again or an alien from Out There. And they really LIKE you. You. You’re their kinda gal.

      Okie dokie. Waiter? Can you please bring the check now? I think we are done here.

      Like

  2. I think there are also different tinfoil hats. Believing to be Jesus is of course very insane, as same as believing to know about an upcoming apocalypse or to be sent from an spaceship to colonize earth (laugh).

    But there are also topics where a little bit of tinfoil on the head is very healthy 🙂 I remember internet discussions about government surveillance, and people have been called conspiracy theorists, today we know about NSA and what not. I think there is more we don’t know yet.

    Of course, both examples are extremely different. I am someone who would fit into the second category, I do think that governmens have a much different agenda than they want us to believe. I don’t believe to know more than others, but I prefer to be very cautious about things I read or hear and I am not afraid to question things in the media or told my governments. I also like to create my own theories about things that happen around me. 😀

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    • Oh, I agree. A healthy distrust of ones government is not only realistic, but a really good idea. Politicians have their own agendas and I doubt our best interests are even on the list, much less at the top.

      As for the crazies who are waiting for the mother ship to come and get them, I’d be delighted to take a ride if the ship happened to come my way. I just don’t believe it’s on the way. And my house is not zombie proof.

      It is useful to know the difference between what one wants to be true and what’s really going on.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Correct, these folks are crazy, off the deep end, no question about it. BTW, the thing about the aluminum hat? It’s the only thing that’s absolutely true.., really, and it’s no use to try and talk me out of it.., I know it’s TRUE! I make mine a little different though.

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  4. Boy, did you ever get a lot of comments on that one, Marilyn. I thought there might be a great business potential in making foil hats.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have never met someone who thought they were Jesus, but it would be highly interesting. I have met a ton of people who think everybody else is going to Hell.

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  6. I think a lot of my friends are crazy in a very normal, loving way. None of them is really cuckoo. I met a few people with a fried brain in the old days, but nobody every got that close to me. I have never met anybody who believed him or her was Jesus, but I met a few people in my life who would pass as plain evil in a heartbeat. “Use household tape” priceless :-).

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  7. To me, the stories about God, Jesus and Allah, is just as wacky as zombie apocalypse, the flying spaghetti monster and being the next Messiah.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s always so disturbing to find out that someone you thought “normal” is so not. Love the tin foil idea!! 🙂

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  9. Crumbs. Run away! Run away!

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  10. I don’t know how I will deal with the lot if they ever cross my path. So far so good.

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    • The most bizarre thing is that they are among us and they seem absolutely normal until one day, you accidentally stray into their particular area of weirdness and discover a whole other person you never knew was there. It is very disconcerting.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. LOL This was a strange blog post to read at 1 in the morning Marilyn. It brought back deeply buried memories of ERic with his obsession with cooked beans, ukuleles and a desire to kill me because I used up too much refrigerator space so he didn’t have enough room for more bean containers.

    Living in Portland, Oregon I think I need an aluminum hat at times to protect me from all the whackos around me. Our city’s motto is “Keep Portland Weird”! Thought of a classic song come to mind: “They’re coming to take me away, ha, ha…..” Lovely topic though and the hat you made really is you! LOL

    Like

  12. “Then there was the guy I worked with at one or another of the many high-tech companies at which I was employed, who one day informed me of his intention to quit his job and move to an underground bunker. In anticipation of the coming apocalypse. I hadn’t even done his horoscope.” Oh your dry, dry sense of humor. This para is too hilarious for an early morning read. Woke me up all right though. And what better way than with a big, big laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Um… You do know that my jokes about having been created in a mad scientist’s lab are JUST jokes, right?

    I cannot count the number of people who’ve informed me they believe I’m going to Hell. It no longer surprises me.

    My ex sister-in-law used to insist that I was inherently evil and eternally damned (a strange thing for an atheist to believe) because, according to her, when twins are born, only one gets a soul. USUALLY, she said, it’s the left-handed twin who’s born damned, but sometimes it’s the other one. She said this because she MARRIED the left-handed twin, so of course the righty — yours truly — had to be the damned one this time. *shakes head* She also insisted that “test-tube babies” and other “fake people” don’t have souls, because Mother Nature. This is a large part of why my twin and I continued joking about us being clones far past when we’d have gotten bored with it otherwise. (Perhaps that was mean, but so was Katie always telling me I’m going to Hell because I have no soul. Seriously? TREES and ROCKS have souls, but one human twin out of every pair doesn’t? WTF?)

    Anyway. Sensible people knows that aluminum foil isn’t for making hats — it’s for covering cardboard to make play swords for children. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Doesn’t it worry you when people not only don’t get the joke, but are angry over your supposed meaning? I get worried about those people. I believe they have had a sense-of-humorectomy and are doomed to roam the earth missing the punchline for all eternity.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Now I know why you always had such insightful comments on my series of zodiac posts!

    Don’t worry… you will be one of the first I warn when I decide to unleash my squirrel uprising on the world. Please don’t tell the bobcat… we want to make sure the bobcats are totally taken by surprise.

    Liked by 2 people

    • My guilty secret is exposed. I have outed myself. I’m reluctant to talk about that aspect of me. Most people have no understanding of how “that stuff” works. Yes, I can “see” things … but exactly what I am seeing is a matter of some conjecture. Something happens that can’t be entirely explained, but what it is, I don’t know. Finally, I met way too many weird people. Worse, I got the kind of telephone traffic doctors get. Astrological middle-of-the-night emergencies — from friends. Typically, I never charge anyone anything no matter what because I’m truly awful about money — but if you are going to wake me at 3 in the morning because your second cousin needs a reading? Maybe you should at least suggest compensation?

      Liked by 1 person

  15. oh dear, I can’t say I’ve met any, but I think I will just run the other way! lol You poor thing.

    Like

  16. Haha — according to another friend, today happened to be Extraterrestrial Day!

    Like

  17. Still not sure how to best deal with these situations as they arise, but thanks for the advice! I tend to gravitate toward these types (my problem is finding them unique and interesting…), but I have to change that.

    Liked by 1 person

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