A good friend finalized her divorce after 30 years of marriage. She has started a new life and is happier than ever.
I’ve rarely seen such a dramatic transformation in a person in such a short time. We’ve known her for 14 years and we’ve never seen this relaxed and happy version of her. She has changed physically too. She lost 25 pounds, changed her hair and looks like a different person. She has an inner glow about her. Her inner happiness and self-confidence shows. She’s not depressed, angry, or feeling bad about herself. The marriage was weighing her down.
I tried to get her to see the toxic nature of the marriage three years ago. She admitted that there was little left in her relationship except anger and resentment. They led separate lives with little positive communication and no love. He refused to acknowledge his contribution to the problems. He also refused counseling and showed no interest in changing in any way.
The one thing she had left in the marriage was hope. She still, somehow, believed it could work. She was not ready to pull the plug. Now she looks back and wonders why she couldn’t see the writing on the wall, those giant, black letters screaming “It’s over! Get out!”
She wasn’t ready to see it.
I had the same experience with my son. Tom and I saw that it was time to end his severely dysfunctional and destructive marriage years before he was ready to accept the inevitable. He too had a major transformation when he left the negative relationship. He became more relaxed. He seemed lighter, more positive. He laughed more and looked like he had shed a giant weight off his back and heart.
But he could not end his seven-year marriage – until he was ready.
Something happens inside of us when we are suddenly receptive to change. A light goes on or a switch is turned somewhere in our psyches. Suddenly, things gel. We see things differently. The blinders are gone and so is the hope. People cling to the familiar. We, as a species, hate and fear major changes in our lives. And divorce is one of the biggest and most difficult.
Sometimes with divorce, people can’t see past the pain and hassle of the separation and divorce process. They can’t focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Many people can’t even see the light. They don’t believe they’ll have a better life on their own. All they see is how they are feeling at that moment — lonely and heartbroken.
It takes people time to prepare for change. It can’t be rushed. I never pushed my son or my friend. I supported them through endless decisions to just give it “a little more time.” I led them to the water to see if they were ready to drink. When they weren’t, I backed off. That’s why I could be part of the divorce celebrations when they finally came.
I have to admit, my life is better now that both my son and my friend are divorced and happy. We wanted these divorces to happen, for personal, selfish reasons as well as for altruistic ones. So even if you desperately see that someone needs to end a relationship – shut up.
They will let you know when they are ready.
Categories: Marriage, Relationships
My son and daughter in law have been living entirely separately for at least three years, but divorce is expensive. I just worry that without the paperwork, it might wind up even MORE expensive in the end.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amid our concerns about finances, health, house and gardens — I think we are good as husband and Wife. I’m saying this — just over a week after the cochlear implant surgery. We’re good. Thank you, Marilyn.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad to hear you’re happy with your life choices, Garry!
Without a divorce, things can happen that you don’t want or expect – like the ex getting stuff if you die that you don’t want them to get. Or the ex having a say in your health care decisions because they are on record as your spouse.
Our son wasn’t particularly happy about getting a divorce but you are right the “divorce process” is expensive and stressful. Why can’t they just sign the papers and get it over with?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Our son put off getting a much needed divorce because he feared the process so much. He knew he’s be better when the divorce was final, but he couldn’t face the ‘gtting there’ part. He finally did it and has been relieved and hapy ever since. But he had to get to the point that anything was better than the way he was living. When he got there, he wondered why it took him so long!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The divorce is still in limbo here but he is much happier now.